DEAR ABBY: As far back as I can remember, my family has been in turmoil over spousal abuse, bitter sibling rivalries, and worse. Not surprisingly, I entered into a relationship with an abuser. My father's advice: "Go back, take your beating, and give that baby a home!"

Years later, after issues of childhood sexual abuse came up, I made a near total break. I have spent years in therapy, learning to protect myself and my child.

My family worships the god of respectability and public appearances. Despite years of spousal abuse, my mother has supported my father completely.

When Dad was near death, I made a final visit with my 7-year-old daughter and a support person. Abby, as my daughter played her violin for "Grandpa," he exposed himself to her. I attended his funeral for my mother's sake -- another mistake. My daughter was snubbed by her cousins and I was verbally attacked by an aunt.

In recent years, I limited our contact with my family. Mother's health is now failing, and she's in severe pain. I wish her no more suffering, but the situation hasn't changed. Do you think I should attend her funeral, or mourn privately for her passing? -- WANTS TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT

DEAR WANTS: Do what is right for you and your daughter, and discuss the ramifications of attending your mother's funeral with your therapist. Funerals sometimes bring out the worst in people, and from your description of them, your family could serve as poster models for dysfunction. If you feel the need to pay your respects, as far as I'm concerned, you and your daughter can visit her grave the following day. I see no reason to set yourself up for any further demonstrations of hostility.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school, the oldest of three children. My 14-year-old brother, "Adam," is causing our whole family grief. My parents can no longer control him and they're lost as to what to do. Although Adam is still in junior high, he stays out until nearly midnight almost every night.

Dad and Mom commute two hours to work five days a week. They're physically and emotionally tired from worrying and waiting for him every night. Adam threatens to hurt us physically because he's the strongest person in the family. He won't listen to any of us and becomes furious if we ask where he spent the day. I'm writing this on behalf of my parents, because it hurts me to see the pain my brother is causing them. -- WORRIED SISTER IN SAN JOSE

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Your brother's behavior is a cry for help. It's essential that your parents stop ignoring it and assert themselves. Most cities have a curfew for youth, and your brother may be breaking the law.

Your parents need to find out whether his problem is anger, drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, emotional problems, etc. One of them may have to cut back on working/commuting for a while to assure that he can get counseling and supervision.

Under no circumstances should intimidation or violence be tolerated. Please tell your parents to consult their doctor for referral to a mental health professional for your brother, and possible family counseling for all of you.

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DEAR ABBY: One of my close friends, "Darci," is afraid that she might be pregnant. Darci is only 15. She has been going out with "Neil" for about seven months. She lost her virginity to him two months ago. Neil is a sweet and caring person, but in no position to be a father. I don't hang out with Darci outside of school, but she confides everything to me. She told me that last weekend she came close to committing suicide and Neil had to talk her out of it.

Abby, a friend of mine took her own life last spring, and I'm really frightened. I'm tempted to buy a home pregnancy test for Darci, but she seems to be hoping her problem will just go away. Last Sunday she was getting high to forget about her problems. I am afraid for her life and her future.

Please give me some advice. I want to help her. Darci's parents, therapist and boyfriend know about her suicidal thoughts (and past tendencies), but as far as I know, only Neil and I know about the potential "bundle of joy." All I want is for her to be safe and happy. I'm lost about what to do. -- SCARED OF THE RESULTS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SCARED: The first thing to do is to help the girl find out whether she's pregnant. If she is, then her parents and her therapist should be told what's going on to ensure that she doesn't harm herself. If, by some miracle, she's not pregnant, you should make sure she goes to Planned Parenthood and learns about responsible behavior and birth control so this doesn't happen again.

P.S. You mentioned that this troubled girl's parents and therapist know about her suicidal thoughts. They should be notified that her boyfriend had to talk her out of hurting herself only last weekend.

DEAR ABBY: Two months ago, my husband's 77-year-old aunt, "Maude," moved in with us after the loss of her husband of 20 years. She is in great health, energetic, a sweet, loving and giving woman. Maude is a little on the nervous side, though, and I'm constantly having to remind her that we love her and we want her here. She helps a little around the house, as she can. My 4-year-old son loves her.

What can I do to assure her that she's safe here, that we love her and want her here? Maude's hearing isn't so good, and I'm constantly being misunderstood and having to repeat myself with every conversation. How can I help her to feel at peace? -- LOVING NIECE IN ARIZONA

DEAR LOVING: The first thing you should do is make an appointment to have Aunt Maude's hearing checked, and find out if hearing aids can improve your level of communication with her. Once that's done, try to find ways to utilize her expertise. That's the best way I know to make someone feel useful and important.

DEAR ABBY: In your column on June 4, "In Love Again" wrote: "My pastors are also angry with me. I tried telling them how I feel; they don't listen."

In your reply to him you wrote, "You may be misjudging your friends and your pastors ..."

Abby, I urge him to take the advice given by the late Sen. Hugh Scott of Pennsylvania in "How to Go Into Politics": "Never get into an argument with a preacher or a newspaper; the preacher always calls on heaven as witness that he is right, and the newspaper always has the last word with its readers." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR ARTHUR: And that, I suspect, is reason that blogs were invented. Blogs are virtual megaphones to the world.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are very worried about the safety of our two toddlers -- a 3-year-old boy and a 15-month-old girl. Their twin 7-year-old cousins have no manners, discipline or consequences in their lives. They have recently begun seeing a psychiatrist because they have been found with knives, or making stabbing motions toward themselves screaming, "Kill me now!"

Every member of the family agrees they are out of control, but nobody does anything to correct their behavior. When we told my mother-in-law we didn't want our children around the twins without direct supervision, her response was she "couldn't watch them every minute." We said fine, we would bring the kids over and one of us would directly supervise them. This led to an uncomfortable silence that lasted a few days, until today when my wife took the kids to her parents' for a birthday party. The afternoon went by with the twins' usual defiance, rudeness and belittling of any adult in sight.

After she returned from my in-laws', my wife proceeded to tell me their bay window had a hole in it because one of the twins had shot a loaded gun through it. I am stunned that while we have been discussing the safety of our children, her parents have been leaving a loaded gun lying around. (Publish this for the world: If you need a gun to defend your bird feeder, especially when it's smack dab in the middle of two houses -- get rid of the bird feeder.) My wife said her father yelled at the twins, although he had left his loaded gun in plain sight.

How can I make it clear to my in-laws that they must step up their level of supervision, and that my sister-in-law's kids are headed for serious trouble? -- WORRIED DAD IN VERMONT

DEAR WORRIED DAD: To paraphrase an old saying, there are none so blind as they who will not see -- so stop trying to "reason" with them. To leave a loaded gun lying around with children in the house is reckless endangerment. Because it should be clear to both you and your wife by now that your children are not safe at her parents' house, visits with their grandparents should be at your house or on neutral turf. And their time with their cousins should be limited and strictly supervised, if permitted at all.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to an impotent doctor in New York for three years. He told me I was the cause of his problem -- that I was too fat (I weighed 115 pounds), and that he wasn't attracted to me. As time passed, I realized that he was being cruel to me to deflect attention away from his real problem, his impotence.

Finally, on the day he got his green card (I sponsored him), he left me, so I had the marriage annulled. I stayed with him despite his problems because I thought that is what a devoted wife should do. I had no idea he had been using me all along to establish his career in the U.S.

Have you any advice for getting past this? Most women in their 20s have never had to deal with such a problem, so it's difficult to discuss with family and friends. -- TAKEN FOR A RIDE IN NEW YORK

DEAR TAKEN FOR A RIDE: You were, indeed, taken advantage of and you have my sympathy. Instead of a healer, you married a heel. Please don't jump to conclusions. I'm sure there are many victims of fraud in their 20s -- and you may qualify for counseling through your state's victim/witness program. Your local police department should have information about it, and I believe you would qualify.

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