DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I'll call "Cassandra." Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra's expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

They spend as much as three hours a day communicating, whether it be via phone, e-mail or text-messaging. They see each other a minimum of once a week, plus at church, and we live 50 miles apart.

When they're together, I can repeat a question four times or more and never be acknowledged. They make special dinners and buy each other gifts. The items my wife receives are many times what we can afford. When they're on the phone or e-mailing, dinners have been burned and normal things that should be done around the house don't get done.

Do you think there is something I should be concerned about here? -- WONDERING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WONDERING: Yes, I do, because you do not appear to be first on your wife's list of priorities. You and she -- and probably her girlfriend -- are overdue for a long and very frank talk.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I expect our first child in three months. His mother is already pressuring us to let her baby-sit, and eventually have the child for summers and vacations. The problem is, her negligence and poor judgment while raising her own children led to them both being physically and sexually abused. She continues to be friendly with anyone who will be friendly with her, including the family members who abused her children.

There is no way I'll ever let her be alone with my child. My husband supports my feelings. But we don't know how to tell her that her services are not needed or wanted without causing hurt feelings. -- SETTING LIMITS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SETTING LIMITS: When she asks to baby-sit, tell her nicely that you already have made other arrangements. Ditto for extended vacations. Explain that she's welcome to visit when it's convenient for all of you. However, if she insists on knowing why she can't take the baby, repeat exactly what you have told me. Your child's safety is more important than your mother-in-law maintaining the fantasy that her children's upbringing was normal.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for three years. His 27-year-old daughter, "Jan," wants him to give her a wedding reception because at the time she was married, two years ago, they were not on speaking terms. (She was married by a justice of the peace with no family present.)

Jan now has two small children. I think at this late date, a wedding reception would not be appropriate. I have suggested we give her a generous cash gift as a belated wedding gift -- and she can do what she wants with the money, including throwing herself a party. My husband dreams of giving her the memories of a reception with her dad. What do you think? -- AGAINST IT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR AGAINST IT: Considering that Jan was not even speaking to her father at the time of her marriage, it's presumptuous of her to be hitting her father up for a reception now. A cash gift would be more generous; and a "wedding reception" under these circumstances would be a charade.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm the father of a 13-year-old daughter, "Shelby," who I'm unable to reach. When Shelby was very young, I noticed that she would be very disrespectful to her mother at times. Of course, I would explain that that kind of behavior was unacceptable, and generally it would stop. Other times, it caused an argument between my wife, "Fran," and me. Fran felt it was just a stage and required no punishment, whereas I thought it did.

Now that Shelby is older, her behavior has gotten much worse. She screams at Fran all the time, calls her names, throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, does poorly in school -- the list goes on and on. What's more, she's now starting to raise her voice at me when she doesn't get her way.

When I try to explain to Shelby that there are consequences for her actions -- such as grounding or taking away privileges -- she starts screaming and crying, which instantly draws the ire of her mother. Fran is always making excuses for why Shelby behaves the way that she does.

Basically, I cannot discipline my own child because every time I try, Fran and I argue until I get so weary I give in. I have tried explaining that Shelby's unhappiness is due to her not having any limits. I have told Fran I'm worried about the path our daughter is headed down. I have tried to make Fran understand that if Shelby can treat us this way, she'll treat anyone this way.

Can you recommend anything or anyone that can help? -- BEATEN-DOWN DAD IN N.C.

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: I sure can -- marriage counseling for you and your wife. Please don't put it off. If Fran won't go with you, go without her. The dynamics between the two of you are unhealthy, and your daughter's behavior is a reflection of it. Children DO need limits. However, until you and your wife are on the same page as far as raising your daughter, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently accepted to study abroad at one of England's most respected and academically challenging universities for my junior year of college. Of course, I shared the good news with family and friends, and all shared my excitement -- but a few actually pulled out calendars and started planning when it would fit into their schedules to visit me.

Abby, the academic and financial burdens of this challenge will be intense. I simply won't have time to play tour guide or host, yet I don't want to upset anyone. How can I fend off these overeager (and pushy) relatives without making them feel slighted? -- HESITANT IN HOUSTON

DEAR HESITANT: Neither encourage them nor discourage them. Tell them the truth -- that you'll be handling a heavy class load, and you aren't sure you'll be able to entertain them when they visit. However, assure them that once you're settled in, you'll inquire about reputable tour companies, and share information when they arrive so they can get the most out of their visit.

DEAR ABBY: When I go to lunch or dinner at a restaurant, I'm confused about where to place my purse or handbag during the meal. What's the correct thing to do? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: It depends upon the size of the purse and the size of the table. If you're carrying a small, dressy evening clutch bag, place it on the table. However, if you're carrying a large handbag, put it on the floor next to your chair or beneath the table so the server won't trip over it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter, "Morgan," who is 4. I recently found out that Morgan's father wants to start having visitation with her again after being out of her life for more than two years. We've gone to court, and I have been ordered to let this happen even though Morgan doesn't remember him.

Morgan has a problem with people; she gets very scared and upset when anyone gets too close to her, and becomes hysterical when someone tries to take her from me. She hasn't started preschool yet because the teachers told me they couldn't deal with her because she would cry until she made herself sick or passed out!

Now Morgan will have to be around her "father," and the courts say that after a few months of supervised visits he will be allowed to take her for unsupervised visits. I know how extremely hard this is going to be for my daughter, and it tears me apart to see her cry.

My question is, how do I explain to Morgan who this person is (she has had a "daddy" -- my husband -- since she was 1), and that I have no control over the fact that she has to see him and spend time alone with him? Is there anything I can do to help her? -- HURTING IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR HURTING: Because your daughter's extreme separation anxiety has prevented her from entering preschool, my advice is to take her to a child psychologist for evaluation and therapy. You will be doing her an enormous favor.

Sometimes parents telegraph their fears to their children. Therefore, in order to manage your own anxiety about what's coming, some sessions with a therapist would be beneficial to you, too. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Paul," suffered a spinal cord injury three years ago. He has made a partial recovery and is able to walk using a walker.

We can't afford to go out often, so when we do it is a special treat. Several times when we have been asked where we prefer to be seated, we have replied, "Non-smoking," and were led past several empty tables in that section.

I know the hosts may want to fill certain tables first, but it's painful for Paul to walk, and he works as hard at walking 10 feet as you or I might at running 10 yards. By the time we reach the table, Paul is worn out, and I often must disturb other diners by asking them to move their chairs to accommodate his walker.

I'm disappointed that the wait staff in these supposedly "nice" restaurants aren't more courteous and conscious of Paul's disability. I suppose since he's not elderly and looks healthy, they may not notice that he's working so hard to walk.

Paul doesn't like to draw attention to himself or ask for special privileges. But isn't this a question of consideration for others? If you work in a restaurant, or know someone who does, please tell them to be observant and courteous to patrons using walkers or canes. -- LOVING WIFE IN MISSOURI

DEAR LOVING WIFE: Your husband's problem may have more to do with his reluctance to draw attention to himself and ask for what he needs than indifference on the part of the restaurant staff. Restaurants and other businesses in the hospitality industry are usually happy to accommodate customers with special needs -- but in order for them to do so, they must be notified in advance. In your case, that means telling the person taking reservations that it's difficult for your husband to navigate past other diners and to please reserve a table for him that's easier to reach.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)