DEAR ABBY: This letter concerns your advice to the mother of the young woman "Allie," who had been drinking and got into a car accident that killed the other driver. The mother said her daughter felt terrible about it and asked if her daughter should send a sympathy card to the grieving family. You told her that instead of a sympathy card, an abject letter of apology was more appropriate.

My daughter was released from jail last Valentine's Day after serving seven months of a one-year sentence. She was at fault for the death of a man because she tried to pass a car and ended up in a head-on collision. My daughter was speeding, sober and nearly died herself. She, too, was very sorry and insisted on sending the family a letter –- against her attorney's advice.

A letter will not make the deceased's survivors feel better. They will use it against her in court. The courts will punish Allie. That girl doesn't need a lynch mob; she needs to leave it alone.

Today my daughter wishes she hadn't written the letter. Accidents happen, and they change lives forever! -- LET GO AND LET GOD

Dear L.G.: I have a stack of letters echoing your sentiments on this subject. When I wrote my answer, I did not take into consideration that there could be legal ramifications. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While I have no sympathy for drunk drivers, that girl should not contact the other family at this time. Although the mother didn't say so in her letter, her daughter, "Allie," will likely be charged with some form of homicide. Any letter she writes might be seen as an admission of guilt by the prosecuting attorney. Allie should apologize only when any trial is over. -- NANCY IN GAYLORD, MICH.

DEAR NANCY: Thank you for pointing that out to me and my readers.

DEAR ABBY: As a risk manager, I can tell you that putting an apology in writing would be detrimental to the girl in the lawsuit that is sure to be filed soon. Everything she says can and will be used against her.

I suggest that "Allie" get counseling for her feelings, and also enroll herself in an alcohol abuse program. Doing it before it is court-ordered will benefit her, and it will also confirm the guilt she feels. -- LUCI IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR LUCI: Counseling is an excellent idea, as soon as the girl is up to it.

DEAR ABBY: I can tell you from experience that the family of that victim will not feel better after receiving a letter of apology. It will only hurt the survivors by highlighting that the young woman survived, but their child, wife, sibling, etc. did not. Whatever peace they may have attained so far (if any) will be shattered and their emotions inflamed.

Speaking as a family member of a victim, I assume the other driver is sorry. I am not interested in letting that person unburden him– or herself to me or having any personal contact with them. It is almost insulting that the person would think a written note would make me feel better. (It goes without saying that cards should not be sent to the grief-stricken family -– notes only.) Your advice should have been that any kind of communication at this time would be inappropriate without knowing more of the facts. -- STILL GRIEVING IN HOUSTON

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your family member. And thank you for discussing your feelings on this painful subject. I retract my answer to that question.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My dad's girlfriend, "Coral," moved in with us last month. Ever since she moved in, things have changed. Coral is a vegetarian. She says sugar is poison, and milk and eggs are bad. The week she moved in, she went through our fridge and pantry and threw out everything that wasn't "organic." She says there won't be any bad foods in the house from now on.

Coral does all the shopping now. All she buys is gross stuff like beans and soy. She says no meat is allowed. I can't stand it! I can't have anything I like anymore. I saved my allowance and bought ice cream. Coral found it and yelled at me and said no TV for a week.

Dad doesn't like it either, but he says it's unfair to disrespect Coral's wishes and beliefs. He says, "Don't worry. We'll go out and eat sometimes, and you can have what you want." Please tell me what to do. -- STARVING IN ALTOONA, PA.

DEAR STARVING: Respect is a two-way street. Coral may have your best interests at heart, but if she's trying to win friends and influence people, she has gotten off to an unfortunate start. How much better it would have been had she gradually started encouraging you to change your eating habits instead of ramming her biases down your throat.

You should not be hungry all the time, and your father should not allow his girlfriend to punish you for acting like a normal child. Please clip this item, show it to your dad and tell him you wrote it. Coral is entitled to her beliefs, but she should not impose them on you the way she has.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old mother of a 7-year-old daughter. I was married and divorced by the time I was 23.

Eight months later, I met my current boyfriend, "Keith." We have been together for five years. I am pregnant with his child, and we are anxiously awaiting our home's completion in September and our baby's birth in November.

Keith recently told me he is no longer in love with me, and the only reason he's staying is to make it look good to my family. He said he doesn't want it to look like he abandoned me in the middle of my pregnancy. I have been there for him through thick and thin. I am in complete shock because I believed our relationship was strong.

I play the role of the happy mother-to-be, but I cry myself to sleep every night. Keith says he will live with me for one year starting in September. Then he wants me to refinance the house in my name alone. He says he will help me financially.

I'm afraid to turn to family or friends for fear of "I told you so" lectures. What I don't understand is why Keith is telling our friends how "happy" he is about the house and the baby.

I'm trying to stay strong for the sake of my 7-year-old and the baby, but I'm deep into this financial burden and don't see any way out of it. Please tell me what to do. I don't know if I can handle being a single mother again. -- LIVING A LIE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LIVING A LIE: The longer you live this lie, the more depressed you will become, so please stop doing it. If ever a woman needed the support of family and friends, it is now.

Although your boyfriend says he will support you financially, my advice is to consult a lawyer to guarantee that Keith follows through.

Keeping this mess a secret will only be detrimental to you in the long run, so please don't continue isolating yourself. The surest way for you to get the help you need is to quit living this charade, and speak up and ask for it from those who love you.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I love my mother very much; however, during the past few years she has changed drastically. My siblings and I are at a loss as to what to do.

A few years ago, my parents found a new hobby -- motorcycling. My 50-something parents are now the proud owners of a Harley Davidson, and they're having the time of their lives.

The problem is my mother has changed her physical appearance. She now wears her hair halfway to her waist, permed and bleached a strange shade of yellow. She wears only clothing that says "Harley Davidson" on it. These shirts are designed for girls in their 20s, not women in their 50s. Mom may be happy, but she looks like a classic Motorcycle Mama -- and it's embarrassing.

Should I say something? Should I tell her I want to see her dress like my mother, not some leather biker queen? It has reached the point that I don't invite her places because I'm afraid she'll show up wearing her HD gear. How can I ask her to dress more appropriately?

Please don't mention my name or state. Mom would kill me if she knew I wrote about her. -- EMBARRASSED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Look at the bright side. You are blessed with parents who are active and in good health. Many families are not so lucky.

That said, because your siblings are in agreement, approach your mother as a group and have a "mini-intervention." Tell her you love her and you're happy she and your father are enjoying themselves, but when you invite her places with you, you wish she'd dress more conservatively. You're entitled to your feelings -- and your preferences.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call "Zack" for nearly a year. Zack is smart, funny, attractive, well-educated, and has a well-paying job that could provide us with a very good lifestyle if our relationship becomes permanent.

Several months ago, after a few drinks, Zack confided in me that he had always fantasized about me spanking him. Having had a few myself, I decided to make his fantasy come true. Afterward, we had the most amazing night.

I have indulged Zack once a week ever since, and I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but I rather enjoy it. It gives me a feeling of power.

Should I continue in this relationship? I don't think I'm being abusive because Zack has requested the spankings. We are both in our late 20s. He was never spanked as a child and seems to have a wonderful relationship with his folks. -- QUESTIONING IN CANADA

DEAR QUESTIONING: Because you both enjoy it, I see no reason not to continue the relationship. Whatever happens between consenting adults in the privacy of their bedroom, as long as it hurts neither one, is no one else's business, including mine.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently at a party where I felt very uncomfortable. The guests were all speaking fluent Spanish and I could barely understand a word they were saying. The party was hosted by a close friend and was being held for a mutual acquaintance. How could I leave the party without ruffling anyone's feathers? -- UNEASY IN RANCHO SANTA FE

DEAR UNEASY: It's easy! Just smile and say, "Gracias y adios."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)