DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, "Roy," learned he was HIV-positive last year. The only people who know are his doctors, his preacher, me and my current husband. Roy doesn't want our two grown daughters to find out because he doesn't want to be confronted with "questions." There are things about my ex and his lifestyle that I certainly don't want our girls to know about. However, I know that they love their daddy and would not dwell on how he got the virus but would act as his No. 1 support group.

If and when Roy's condition should progress into AIDS, I feel his daughters need to be there supporting him, not left out of the loop. I can't even begin to imagine how I could keep something like that a secret. What can I do? -- CAN'T DECIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: For the time being, keep your husband's condition confidential. If and when his condition progresses into AIDS, revisit the question with him. At that time, I agree with you that your daughters should be told -- and he should be the one to do it. However, it is your husband's life and your husband's death, and his wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I love dearly, but she does something that's driving a wedge between us. She copies everything about me -- from my perfume to my hairstyle to my jewelry.

I have always tried to have my own style, something that sets me apart from others, and to have my best friend copy me makes me furious. When we go to trade shows we look like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and it's embarrassing.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't like it. People are starting to make fun of her behind her back. How can I communicate to her that she needs to find her own sense of self? -- CARBON-COPIED IN SANTA MARIA

DEAR CARBON-COPIED: I have received questions on the subject before. What your friend is doing can be very annoying, and friendships have ended over it. So speak up before it escalates.

Schedule a get-together with her someplace where you can talk privately and frankly. Tell her you realize that imitation is a form of flattery, but that she's making you uncomfortable, and people are beginning to notice and comment. Then cross your fingers and hope she complies -- because there is no guarantee she will.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Ralph" recently became engaged. He relied on my mother to tell the rest of us (his siblings) his good news.

Ralph was wondering why nobody called to congratulate him the minute we heard. I say he should have been the one making the phone calls and telling us himself instead of Mother. It isn't like we have a lot of siblings. There are only four of us, including Ralph. Because we disagree on the proper etiquette, I told him I'd write you to find out what that is. -- UPSET SISTER, BRIDGEWATER, MASS.

DEAR UPSET SISTER: Let me guess what has been going on in your family for years -- your mother has been the family message center. If I'm right, then when Ralph told Mama, he expected her to spread the news.

A message to all of you: Mama isn't going to be here forever. So open the lines of communication and start speaking up for yourselves NOW. Not only will it bring you closer, it will prevent misunderstandings in the future.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Deeply Concerned in Evanston" wrote you about the danger of a small child being left alone with a dog her niece had adopted from an animal shelter, because the dog was aggressive with other dogs. You advised that "anyone who would leave their little one around an animal who has shown aggressive tendencies was 'barking up the wrong tree,' and small children should not be around animals unless supervised." I agree. And as a former E.R. nurse -- as well as a former explosives-detection dog handler for the U.S. Air Force -- I would like to clarify.

The writer's concern that dogs may act in a prey response to small children was only partially correct. Dogs are pack animals. Their family is their "pack." In the pack, the dominant animal will offer a corrective bite on the nose of a younger dog to correct unacceptable behavior. That is why young children are so often bitten in the face. The dog feels it is offering "correction" to the child. And that is why it is imperative that dogs and young children never be left together unattended.

It is extremely important that the dog AND THE FAMILY learn dog obedience from the earliest possible age. Parents should find obedience classes that encourage or require the entire family to participate in training. If the child can speak clearly, he or she is old enough to give commands. This should be reinforced by the parents until the children can do for themselves. This shows the dog that it is subordinate to even the smallest human in the household. Consistency is the key: It is far more effective to consistently spend five minutes a day, EVERY day, than to spend one hour, once a week.

Do not allow the dog to exercise dominance over the family. This includes climbing on furniture (placing himself higher than his pack), jumping, or otherwise getting on, above, between or in front of family members.

For more information, I highly recommend two books by the Monks of New Skete, New York: "How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend" and "The Art of Raising a Puppy." They are the best I have ever read on this subject.

Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to get accurate information out there. I hope that it prevents unfortunate accidents for kids and their dogs. -- MYLES A. LYNCH, BLOOMFIELD, N.Y.

DEAR MYLES: I'm the one who should be thanking you -- for an enlightened letter that any aspiring dog owner can understand. Well-adjusted, well-trained animals do not happen by accident. They're the result of many months of effort and discipline on the part of both the dog and its owner.

P.S. I also know that the books you mentioned are very well-thought-of in the world of dog enthusiasts.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please define a "potluck" dinner? I thought it was a smorgasbord-type meal to which everyone contributed, and guests consumed whatever was brought. Lately, however, many hosts carefully plan the potluck with assigned dishes. I think that takes the fun out of it. -- ELIZABETH IN MANCHESTER, CONN.

DEAR ELIZABETH: My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Edition) defines "potluck" as "the regular meal available to a guest for whom no special preparations have been made," or as "a communal meal to which people bring food to share." And you're right; they can be fun -- as long as the participants don't all bring the same thing. The hosts may be trying to ensure that the guests enjoy a balanced meal, with a certain number of appetizers, salads, entrees and desserts to choose from -- and that seems like sensible planning to me.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old college student and have been dating "Cody" for six years. Four years ago, my mother decided she didn't like him. She told me to either dump him or to forget about going to college.

Not wanting to give up either one, I began to secretly date Cody. I'll be graduating in one more year, and I know that Cody will ask me to marry him. Should I wait another year -- until I'm out of college -- to tell my mother so she can't keep me from obtaining my degree? Or should I tell her the truth now, so it won't be such a big shock that I'm engaged? I can't just be engaged to a guy I supposedly haven't seen in years. -- UNDECIDED IN TEXAS

DEAR UNDECIDED: You are an adult. Please start acting like one, and inquire at your college about alternative financing for your last year of college. You may qualify for some kind of scholarship, or you may need to take out a student loan and get a part-time job so you won't be dependent upon your mother to complete your education.

If you are mature enough to become engaged, you should be strong enough to level with your mother. She may not be as dumb as you think she is, but don't expect her to be thrilled to learn that she has been lied to. On a more positive note, you and your fiance will have finally cleared the air and asserted your independence as adults, and that's a step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: Some neighbors asked me to care for their pets while they vacationed in Europe for three weeks. The boy across the street was to do the first four days, but I was asked to do the bulk of the work.

Although I was assured that all I had to do was empty the litter box and feed the cats, I found an extensive list of chores in my mailbox the next morning. One cat has cancer; the other two also needed medication. The meds were complicated and had to be administered twice a day. The cats vomited profusely several times, and went to the bathroom every place except the litter box. I cleaned up after them, administered all the medications, and even consulted the vet at one point.

When my neighbors returned, they paid the boy $30 for the four days he worked and didn't offer me one nickel. Worse, they paid him in front of me! I badly needed the money, but even if I didn't, don't you think they should have offered me something? I'm furious and am tempted to tell them off, but I don't want to sink to their level. What should I do? -- POOPER SCOOPER QUEEN IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR QUEEN: Bide your time. They'll ask you again. And when they do, state clearly that you want to be compensated monetarily -- and how much you expect to be paid.

DEAR ABBY: Every time we visit my in-laws, they feed my wife food that's laced with peppers. Abby, my wife gets sick when she eats peppers, and I gently remind them during the cooking process about this. Yet the little suckers still appear in everything that's offered to her.

Short of stealing all the peppers in the house before a meal is made, what else can I do? -- UPSET IN HOUSTON

DEAR UPSET: Make sure your wife is well-fed before she visits the in-laws. And keep a stash of fruit and energy bars in the car if the visit is going to last more than three hours.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)