DEAR ABBY: I recently received a modest inheritance. My husband and I are about 10 years from retiring. The money is just enough to put away for a secure retirement, not enough for a lavish lifestyle.

The problem is my mother-in-law, "Vera." She is 70, healthy and active. She manages very well in her paid-for home. Vera has now begun looking at assisted-living communities that, for a hefty monthly rent, provide chef-prepared meals in a dining room, activities and transportation. She's assuming that my husband and I will pay this rent, since we are now "wealthy" in her estimation.

Abby, if we take on this responsibility, the money will be spent by the time we retire, and Vera will still need to pay her rent. I never discussed this inheritance with my mother-in-law. It came from my side of the family and is really not her business. We didn't brag or start making showy purchases.

My husband feels as I do about putting it aside for retirement, but we're both stumped about how to handle his mom. Have you any suggestions? -- "THE HEIRESS" IN UPSTATE N.Y.

DEAR "HEIRESS": Before your mother-in-law's fantasy about dwelling on easy street becomes any more grandiose, you and her son must schedule a reality session with her. If she's planning on upgrading her lifestyle from what it is now, she should first consult her CPA or financial planner to make sure her assets will cover the cost. It may be a rude awakening for the lady, but better now than later.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a real bind. I have an employee who decides on her own hours even when a schedule is posted every month. Some days, she doesn't show up for work at all, and other times she leaves before her shift is over.

When I confront her about it, she gets angry and threatens me with, "I'm going to phone Labor Standards on you!" Can she be fired for this kind of behavior? -- IGNORED IN CANADA

DEAR IGNORED: Here in the United States, it is recommended that the matter be handled by calling the employee in, reminding her of the posted work schedule, and "counseling" her that she must be at work during work hours. Afterward, a memo -- signed or initialed by the employee -- would be placed in her employee file. If this doesn't remedy the situation and the woman is still noncompliant, there would be grounds for dismissal, and the Labor Board would probably agree the dismissal was justified.

Because I am not familiar with the law in Canada, I urge you to discuss the matter with someone familiar with labor law there.

DEAR ABBY: When we're together, my middle-aged daughter insists on talking about her mother, from whom I've been divorced for many years. Our daughter always mentions her in a caring way, as if it really mattered to me what's going on in my ex-wife's life. I should point out that the divorce was a bitter one for all parties.

My daughter isn't happy that I don't show an interest in her mother. I have tried to explain why I feel the way I do, but she keeps saying, "She IS my mother!" What's your take on this, please? -- PERPLEXED IN CACTUS COUNTRY

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your daughter is either insensitive to your feelings, or she's trying to drum up some interest on your part regarding her mother. The next time she tells you, "She IS my mother," tell her, "Well, she's no longer my wife -- so please stop inflicting her on me" and change the subject.

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DEAR ABBY: I have what I consider to be a moral dilemma. My husband's grandfather, "John," is going to marry his "girlfriend" of more than 30 years this fall. I was very close to John's wife, "Doris," who died in November of last year.

Although John has done much for our families and we would like to support him in these, his later years, I have no respect for a woman who waits in the wings for decades until her "boyfriend's" wife dies, and then expects to marry him.

My husband and I, and other family members, would rather not attend the wedding, or have "Vivian" in our homes -- let alone our lives. Your advice and opinion are greatly appreciated. What should I as an in-law do about this situation? -- CONFUSED IN L.A.

DEAR CONFUSED: For starters, try becoming less judgmental. Although I don't approve of the extramarital affair, John did not dump his wife for the other woman. Doris is dead, and as much as you loved her, nothing will bring her back. My advice is to swallow hard, remember all that John has done for your families, and give Vivian a fair chance. She may not be as bad as you think she is. Besides, if you punish your husband's grandfather for marrying his longtime "friend," you may wind up shooting yourselves in the collective foot.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Nora," and I married 20 years ago. She brought into our home -- and my life -- two young teenagers whose lives I shared with the normal amount of step-stress until they graduated from college. Both are now married with children.

My youngest daughter, "Mary," is now in her 20s. She's a college grad with a career. Her roommate is moving soon, and Mary (with whom I'm very close) would like to reduce her minor debts plus save enough to afford a cross-country relocation.

Mary casually suggested that she move in with Nora and me. Because I haven't shared a home with her since she was 5, I was delighted. Our large home would afford Mary her own private quarters and, since she's so quiet and respectful of our privacy, I was overjoyed that my daughter would want to share her life with us before she moved.

Imagine my shock when my wife, after years of my caring for her offspring, refused to even consider having Mary live with us, even for a six-month period! Nora's attitude has driven a huge wedge into our relationship. I would appreciate any advice you can offer, although I now dread the tension I suspect would occur even if my wife relented. -- DISILLUSIONED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Your wife's reaction to the idea of your daughter moving in for six months may have been a reaction to the fact that she wasn't consulted before you agreed to it. When you married Nora, you knew she had teenagers and they were part of the package you were taking on.

I can't help thinking there's something missing from your letter. You did not mention what your wife's objections were. Could she be concerned that the six-month visit might extend even longer? Is there something about your daughter she's uncomfortable with? Whatever her concerns might be, you should at least understand what they are.

Because this issue has drive a "huge wedge" into your marriage, I recommend some sessions with a marriage counselor before the situation deteriorates further.

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DEAR ABBY: I live in a family-oriented neighborhood. My problem is my next-door neighbor flies his gay pride flag in his front yard. Because we have a lot of families with young children who do not need to be subjected to that kind of thing, I have asked him numerous times to remove it.

His response is it's a free country and he does not subject anybody to his lifestyle.

I strongly feel that in a neighborhood devoted to children's morals and the way life should be, he should not be allowed to have that flag in his front yard for everyone to see. I threatened if he didn't take it down, I'd call the police. I feel it's harming the children to see that flag flying, especially on a busy street that everyone travels on. What should I do? -- RIGHTEOUS IN NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR RIGHTEOUS: First of all, calm down. Your neighbor is hurting no one, and "young children" will not understand what the flag symbolizes. Unless there are codes, covenants or restrictions in your neighborhood governing the display of flags, your neighbor has a right to hoist his banner. Rather than picking a fight about something so insignificant, you should concentrate on cultivating your own garden and stop obsessing about what's going on in his.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "William," recently told me -- after a few cocktails -- that the reason he's afraid to get married is because he wouldn't get to have sex with anyone else. He told me that in high school and college, he was known to his friends as "the guy that always got any girl he went after" -- and I guess he's struggling with losing his freedom.

William is 27 now. Should I be seeing a red flag here? Does this mean he would be a womanizer if we do get married? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR WONDERING: I suspect the fear of taking a vow to "forsake all others" is one that's pretty common among boys. However, when the adolescent finally grows up, he usually realizes the value -- and importance -- of monogamy in a marital relationship.

Whether his attitude is a red flag for your future depends upon how much of your boyfriend's identity is tied up in being "William the conqueror." If he constantly has to prove to himself that he can get any girl he goes after, he may be using sex the way some people use alcohol or drugs -- and that's a problem that can destroy almost any marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married in a few weeks. She chose to have a small, intimate wedding, followed by a dinner reception. The cost is $60 per person. She strictly limited the number of invitations according to her budget.

Abby, she now has more acceptances than invitations sent! It seems that many of the people who are coming have added other relatives to their response cards. One family added two teenagers, another added cousins of the groom that he has never even met. The guest list has grown by one-third.

Is there a way to handle this -- or are we in big trouble when the bill comes? -- HORRIFIED IN BEAUMONT, CALIF.

DEAR HORRIFIED: There's a way to handle it, but it must be done immediately. Whoever issued the invitations for each side of the family must call those relatives who have added others to their response cards, and inform them that for budgetary reasons, their guests cannot be accommodated. If any of those rude people offer to pay for the extra guests they added -- and a few may do that -- make sure to get the money up front.

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