DEAR ABBY: My mother has a family heirloom that has been handed down several generations within my deceased father's family. Over the years, she has apparently told each family member he or she could have it upon her passing -- or so they say.

About four years ago, I was talking to Mom long-distance, and she asked what I'd like to have upon her passing. I replied, "Nothing, except some of the things I have given you over the years -- and I wouldn't mind having the heirloom." She said everyone wanted it, but because I had always shown an interest in family history and no one else in the family had, I should be the one to have it. She said Dad would have liked that.

I said, "If you want me to have it, please write my name on it, because I won't get it otherwise." She said she didn't feel that our family was "that way."

Some time later, I was visiting and noticed my name was permanently and discreetly written on the heirloom. Mom now says that the family is in an uproar, and she does not remember writing my name! The family is claiming I either wrote my name on the heirloom myself, or coerced her into doing it. (Not true!)

Mother has serious health problems, one being memory-related. She refuses to tell other family members that she made up her mind long ago and wrote the name herself. I think she knows she wrote it, but wants to avoid family strife, and that's why she won't acknowledge her actions -- which means I'm taking the brunt of this.

I feel Mom was of sound mind when she made her decision, so what's the problem? I'm not a dishonest person, and it upsets me immensely to be falsely accused when I'm guilty of nothing more than saying I wanted the heirloom. How do I get this cleared up? -- WRONGLY ACCUSED IN MISSOURI

DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: By promising the heirloom to various family members over the years, your irresponsible mother has guaranteed that there will be dissension upon her death. That everyone who was promised the item now wants it is understandable.

Because she is memory-impaired, she may actually NOT remember having put your name on the item or when it was done. The question you must answer is, which is more important to you -- the heirloom or your family? If it's the latter, then a possible solution would be to draw straws for it when the time comes, or have it appraised and everyone who wants it bid on it so the money can be divided among the losers.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 17-year-old niece who lives next door. She's a great kid, and she started a part-time summer job a half-mile down the road from our house back in June.

The problem is her father is unable to drive her, and her mother isn't in the picture. I have been driving her to and from her job every day, Monday through Friday. I suggested that she pay me $5 a week for gas, but no one seems to agree with me. I say, if she's old enough to work, she's old enough to have that responsibility. What do you think? -- STANDING ON PRINCIPLE, KNOXVILLE, MD.

DEAR STANDING: If you need the money, then you should be paid. However, if you don't, then charging $5 for the favor you're doing your niece doesn't begin to cover what she owes you -- and you are being foolish to put a price on it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 62 and my husband is 93. Our next-door neighbor, "Sam," likes to expose himself. Other than that, he's a good neighbor and always ready to help out.

One day, a couple of my women friends were over visiting, and Sam stood in his doorway naked as a jaybird, waving at them. Maybe he thinks it pays to advertise. Mostly, he does this when my husband has gone inside the house.

His behavior worries me. If anything should happen to my husband, do you think Sam would try to force himself on me? Could he attack me and try to rape or murder me, or is he just a nice guy who likes to expose himself, and not the least bit dangerous?

I don't want to be a bad neighbor, and I don't want my name revealed, but this neighbor is really making me uneasy. Should I report what he's been doing to the police? -- SCARED IN HAWAII

DEAR SCARED: Listen to your intuition -- it's the impulse that made you write to me. It is an alarm bell. I don't know your neighbor, so I can't predict whether he's a rapist in the making. However, I DO know that his behavior is deviant and highly inappropriate -- and for that reason, the police should be notified. Immediately!

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Emily," became engaged last week. She is planning her wedding, which will take place next year.

Emily's choice of a wedding date is causing a lot of hurt feelings among our family. She wants to be married on what would have been our father's birthday.

Daddy passed away while we were young, and it has been hard on the family. A lot of us feel she's being selfish to choose a day that belongs to our father and make it her own. Emily insists that she's trying to honor Daddy -- although some of her other actions suggest that she's acting out of spite for the rest of us. A lot of the family are saying they don't want to attend.

I would hate to see my sister heartbroken on her wedding day, but do you find her choice of date appropriate or selfish? -- ASKANCE IN SOUTHERN CALIF.

DEAR ASKANCE: I, too, would hate to see your sister heartbroken on her wedding day, and I'm having trouble understanding how her being married on her deceased father's birthday would be selfish or disrespectful to his memory. From my perspective, she has chosen a day that has been tinged with sadness and is trying to give it a happier connotation. Because her father cannot give her away, she's including him on her special day in a different way. More power to her.

DEAR ABBY: My mom and dad are divorced. Mom has a new boyfriend and my dad has a girlfriend. When I'm with my dad and his girlfriend is over, I feel left out because he doesn't pay as much attention to me as he used to. The sad thing is, when I'm with my mom I feel the same way.

Do you think it would be fair if one day out of the week my mom would take me somewhere for, like, an hour, and THEN my mom and I do something with her boyfriend? The same goes for my dad, too. -- LOST IN THE SHUFFLE

DEAR LOST: From the mouths of babes. I think it's a terrific idea. But I also think your one-on-one time with each of your parents should be more than one hour a week.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Most of your responses I agree with, but the one you gave to "Hurt and Offended," who was with her fiance in a restaurant when a man she works with approached and asked, "What's your bra size?" was somewhat "off." You told her to report it at work.

Abby, it happened in a public place -- not at work. I agree, the question was rude and out of line. (Maybe the guy is a jerk and thought he was being funny.) But it can't be sexual harassment if it happened outside the workplace. Rather than report him, I think she should drop it unless it happens again. -- JAMES S. IN WISCONSIN

DEAR JAMES S.: You didn't read the woman's letter closely enough. In the second paragraph she went on to say, "I have seen these men every day and had work-related discussions with them. Two of them have made reference to the incident, but neither has apologized." By referring to the incident at work, the men HAVE "brought it into the workplace." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt and Offended" has done all that she needed to do. She said she had talked to her co-worker, who is the men's supervisor. As a supervisor myself, even if I'm told something in confidence and asked to take no action, I MUST take action -- even if I don't supervise the offenders. Their actions were intolerable.

The supervisor she spoke to had better learn the law and take appropriate action immediately, or the company could be held responsible. -- MALE SUPERVISOR, SEBASTOPOL, CALIF.

DEAR MALE SUPERVISOR: Thank you for pointing it out. She should also make a point of documenting any further references made by those co-workers.

DEAR ABBY: If "Hurt" allows those co-workers of hers to get away with what they said to her, she can be sure they'll do it again to some other woman. Although the writer feels she would have "nothing to gain" by confronting them, I do not agree. I was raped at 15, and finally -- at age 50 -- I was able to say to the person what I needed to say. I have felt a whole lot better ever since that day.

In my opinion, she should go to her supervisor and tell him or her that she would like to have a meeting with everyone who was involved. She should ask that the supervisor be present. The following issues should be presented:

(1) The question she was asked was rude, and embarrassed both her and her fiance that night.

(2) How would they have felt if she had made a comment concerning their anatomy in public and in such a manner?

(3) If they were in her situation, how would they have felt if their wives, mothers or sisters were treated in the same way?

They need to be told that what was said was not cute or clever, not a joke, and above all, will not be tolerated by her again. In reality it was sexual harassment, and will be handled as such if it recurs.

There are courts of law that take care of such situations. And those clowns need to know that she will go to one if they pull that stunt again. -- FREE AT LAST, AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR FREE AT LAST: I applaud you for having the courage to confront the person who raped you. I hope that "Hurt and Offended" will understand the parallel between your experience and hers, and have the courage to stand up for herself as you did.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)