DEAR ABBY: "Jeff" and I have been married nine years. Before that, we lived together for four years. We have 13 years invested in this relationship. He is 42; I am 38.

Jeff is a good person. He doesn't lie, cheat, drink, abuse me or gamble. So what's my problem? The sex was great in the beginning of our marriage, but in the last six or seven years there has been nothing. Zilch! Jeff has no sex drive at all.

Jeff says, "Sex isn't everything." When I suggested seeing a doctor, he flatly refused. When I suggested counseling, all he said was, "No way!" Abby, I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, screamed and slept on the couch. All to no avail.

Am I oversexed? His refusal to get help is really getting me down. Have you any ideas? -- FRUSTRATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are not oversexed. Your husband has a problem. However, unless he is willing to admit it and agree to do something about it, there is nothing that you, I or anyone else can do about it.

Therefore, I suggest counseling -- for YOU. It will help you objectively to evaluate whether or not you can accept living in a sexless marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Opal," was given $1,000 by my father-in-law for an 80th birthday party luncheon for my mother-in-law. Opal made all the plans. She decided to hold it at her home, since she's wealthy and the place is large and gorgeous.

Well, it seems that Opal went way over budget. Last night she called and asked us to pitch in to cover the extra costs. My husband and I were appalled that she'd exclude us from the planning and then expect us to help cover her extravagance.

We are middle-class, casual folks. My husband recently lost his job, and we're in the middle of relocating to another state where he's starting a new one. We're not broke, but we have already paid for plane tickets to attend the luncheon, and that's a large expenditure for us.

Please tell us what to say to Opal. Issues have come up in the past regarding money and my husband's family, and we have learned from experience not to go in on gifts with Opal anymore. -- IN A BIND IN OHIO

DEAR IN A BIND: Tell Opal you sympathize with her predicament. However, because your husband lost his job, you're in the middle of an expensive move, and the plane tickets were all you could afford to spend, that you're sorry but you can't afford to contribute. Your reasons are rational and pragmatic, and the truth will set you free.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is being married in two months to a wonderful Asian man. We love our future son-in-law as if he were our son. My husband and I do not have a problem with this issue. As long as our daughter and granddaughter are happy and being provided for -- which they are -- this marriage has our blessing.

We have received several comments from relatives that they do not attend mixed marriages or believe in them. Should these people receive an invitation? We don't want to hurt any family members, but they have hurt us. Knowing they are against the marriage, should they be invited? -- HURT IN TEXAS

DEAR HURT: You're off the hook. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who has gone on record as "not attending mixed marriages" should be crossed off the list. Not only would they add nothing to the occasion, they could also detract from it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions.

When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture.

I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport? -- NEGATIVE ABOUT THE PHOTOS, MANHATTAN, KAN.

DEAR NEGATIVE: You're not a poor sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one ever taught her that true humor lies in the ability to laugh WITH people rather than AT them.

Because this has been her pattern for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than anything in the photos.

DEAR ABBY: You answered a question from a reader who asked how to respond when her 300-pound friend wanted to ride her horse but was too heavy for the animal to safely carry.

What should I tell my daughter-in-law who weighs at least that much when she wants to sit on my living room sofa and chairs? She has already split the wood frame on one of them. It was less than seven months old. I had it repaired, but I can't afford new furniture. The chairs are not big enough for her body. I would prefer she sit on the kitchen chairs, which are heavy.

Their living room furniture is less than five years old, but it already looks 20 years old. The fabric is sagging and the springs are broken.

I asked my son to say something to her, but he hasn't. I feel he should be the one to tell her. They'll be visiting again soon. What should I say to her? Or should I insist that my son tell her? -- MINNESOTA MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MINNESOTA M.I.L.: Before your son and daughter-in-law arrive, put one of the sturdy kitchen chairs in the living room. When your daughter-in-law comes in, guide her to the chair you want her to use. If she questions you about it, explain that after her last visit you had to have the chair she used repaired and that this one is sturdier. Say it kindly, but if she takes offense -- so be it.

DEAR ABBY: How do you ask a friend not to include you in fund-raising and parties? I have never been much of a party-goer. I dislike them and avoid them if I can. But I get tired of saying no. If I go, I can hardly wait to get back home -- and sometimes I get several invites to parties for pets, jewelry, pots and pans, etc., which I neither need nor can afford. Do you have any comments on this? -- STUCK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR STUCK: You are only as "stuck" as you choose to be. As I see it, you have two choices: Refuse the invitations as they are received, or tell these hostess/entrepreneurs that you do not want to be invited to parties of this kind. Then, if they persist, recognize that "real" friends don't subject friends to temptation -- and take a giant step backward.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother has a family heirloom that has been handed down several generations within my deceased father's family. Over the years, she has apparently told each family member he or she could have it upon her passing -- or so they say.

About four years ago, I was talking to Mom long-distance, and she asked what I'd like to have upon her passing. I replied, "Nothing, except some of the things I have given you over the years -- and I wouldn't mind having the heirloom." She said everyone wanted it, but because I had always shown an interest in family history and no one else in the family had, I should be the one to have it. She said Dad would have liked that.

I said, "If you want me to have it, please write my name on it, because I won't get it otherwise." She said she didn't feel that our family was "that way."

Some time later, I was visiting and noticed my name was permanently and discreetly written on the heirloom. Mom now says that the family is in an uproar, and she does not remember writing my name! The family is claiming I either wrote my name on the heirloom myself, or coerced her into doing it. (Not true!)

Mother has serious health problems, one being memory-related. She refuses to tell other family members that she made up her mind long ago and wrote the name herself. I think she knows she wrote it, but wants to avoid family strife, and that's why she won't acknowledge her actions -- which means I'm taking the brunt of this.

I feel Mom was of sound mind when she made her decision, so what's the problem? I'm not a dishonest person, and it upsets me immensely to be falsely accused when I'm guilty of nothing more than saying I wanted the heirloom. How do I get this cleared up? -- WRONGLY ACCUSED IN MISSOURI

DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: By promising the heirloom to various family members over the years, your irresponsible mother has guaranteed that there will be dissension upon her death. That everyone who was promised the item now wants it is understandable.

Because she is memory-impaired, she may actually NOT remember having put your name on the item or when it was done. The question you must answer is, which is more important to you -- the heirloom or your family? If it's the latter, then a possible solution would be to draw straws for it when the time comes, or have it appraised and everyone who wants it bid on it so the money can be divided among the losers.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 17-year-old niece who lives next door. She's a great kid, and she started a part-time summer job a half-mile down the road from our house back in June.

The problem is her father is unable to drive her, and her mother isn't in the picture. I have been driving her to and from her job every day, Monday through Friday. I suggested that she pay me $5 a week for gas, but no one seems to agree with me. I say, if she's old enough to work, she's old enough to have that responsibility. What do you think? -- STANDING ON PRINCIPLE, KNOXVILLE, MD.

DEAR STANDING: If you need the money, then you should be paid. However, if you don't, then charging $5 for the favor you're doing your niece doesn't begin to cover what she owes you -- and you are being foolish to put a price on it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)