DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed by your answer to "Wondering in Illinois," who is jealous of his wife's best friend, "Cassandra." You accused her of having a "girlfriend" (and I know you meant in the romantic sense rather than platonic). You told him they were due for a long talk.

In my opinion, the problem is the husband's raging jealousy. What's the evidence of lesbian activity? Their vacations together? The phone calls? Obviously, this woman is having the kind of fun with her friend that she hasn't had with her nasty, suspicious husband in a long time. (I bet he hardly has two words for her if a game is on television.)

Isn't one of the signs of an abuser when he starts wanting to control his wife's friends? I think her husband needs to get a life and some friends of his own. -- KEELAH IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR KEELAH: When I advised "Wondering" that he didn't appear to be the first on his wife's list of priorities, I was UNDERSTATING the problem. The wife's girlfriend gives her lavish gifts and pays for their trips together; they make frequent bets with oil massages as the payoff, spend hours a day talking or text-messaging, ignore the husband to the point of rudeness if he's around, and the normal routine of the household is forgotten because of the distraction. It's not one thing -- it's the aggregate. I stand by my answer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree that "Wondering" needs to find out what's going on. A friend of mine was married 11 years to his high school sweetheart. She, too, began spending a lot of time with a female co-worker, and he was often excluded. In time, he began to resent the massages, trips, dinners together and other activities they shared without him. When he confronted her, she accused him of "trying to come between her and her best friend."

He got the shock of his life when he walked in unexpectedly one afternoon and caught them in a compromising position. His wife then demanded a divorce. Twelve years later, his former wife and her "best friend" are still a couple.

If "Wondering's" wife isn't romantically involved with her friend, it's time he finds out what's lacking in their relationship that she's getting from the girlfriend. -- ALSO WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALSO WONDERING: Good point. If there isn't a romance going on, marriage counseling could do them a world of good. A marriage can be healed only if both parties want it to be and are willing to cooperate.

DEAR ABBY: It does appear that the wife may be having an affair with her friend. I am a member of the Straight Spouse Network, an organization started by Amity Pierce Buxton to help the straight spouse understand the coming-out process of their gay spouse.

The Straight Spouse Network is a worldwide organization whose membership comprises current or former heterosexual spouses/partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples. Our members provide personal, confidential support and resource information to spouses, couples and families. We are the only support network of this kind in the world. -- MARIANNE IN GULFPORT, FLA.

DEAR MARIANNE: I am familiar with the Straight Spouse Network, which is allied with PFLAG, and have mentioned it in my column before. Dr. Buxton, who chairs the SSN, is a respected researcher and author of an excellent book, "The Other Side of the Closet" (John Wiley & Sons), that explains the gay spouse "dilemma" and offers strategies on how families can cope when the gay person "comes out." Not surprisingly, that's a complicated and emotionally wrenching process. The network's Web site is www.ssnetwk.org.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl. My childhood was not a normal one. I was molested by a man that I called Dad. Last summer he was sentenced to 15 years to life -- which is a severe punishment for him.

Abby, his family lives right across the street from me. Many times when I see them, I want to go over and say I'm sorry for what I have put them through. But I wanted it to stop -- so I told. Do you think I should apologize to them? -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If anyone is owed an apology, it is you -- not the family of the man who sexually abused you. YOU are the victim in this situation, not the molester, who is where he belongs for his criminal act, and not his relatives. You did the right thing by telling what he did.

It's common for victims of sexual crimes to feel guilt. Too often they blame themselves and wonder if they did something to deserve it. It doesn't help that abusers reinforce this notion by saying, "See what you made me do?" Of course, that is the big lie. Adults are supposed to control their impulses. Counseling could help you understand this, and I hope your mother or guardian will see that you get some through a victim's assistance program or the Department of Mental Health in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Duncan" for five years. It's my second marriage. I thought we were getting along well, but now I'm wondering if he's having an affair.

There is this woman, "Lucy," he claims is only a friend, who lives about 70 miles from us. I started getting suspicious when she called him one night when the two of us were in bed. (He immediately hung up the phone.) He gets up after I go to sleep to talk to her via the Internet.

I caught them once doing things they shouldn't have been doing. When I confronted them and threatened to leave, Duncan begged me not to go and said their friendship was "harmless." I forgave him, but now Lucy calls him at 3:30 every morning, and he gets out of bed to talk. I heard him tell her that he'd be taking a business trip in a few days and would call her back.

Now, Abby, I warned my husband I would leave if I found out they had any more contact. He doesn't know I know about her calling and that he's going to contact her.

Should I listen to my intuition? How should I handle this? -- SMELLS A RAT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SMELLS A RAT: Tell your husband the cat is out of the bag. You know what's going on and will not tolerate it. Offer him the option of marriage counseling. Cybersex IS cheating, and the daily 3:30 a.m. phone calls are, at the least, an emotional affair. This isn't "harmless fun"; it's a threat to your marriage. And if your husband doesn't end it, follow through on your word and leave.

DEAR ABBY: I am 77 years old. My darling husband of 54 years died three years ago. I am still wearing my wedding rings. Is this proper? I have always enjoyed wearing my wedding rings. -- PUZZLED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PUZZLED: You are entitled to wear your wedding rings as long as you wish. Many widows and widowers continue to wear their wedding ring(s) on their left hands until they feel they are ready to date again. Then they switch the ring(s) to their right hand, or remove them.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister needs help. Her husband, "Dale," who has been in the Reserve for 15 years, is being deployed to Kuwait next month, and she's a mess. She went to the emergency room this morning because she thought she was having a heart attack. It was an anxiety attack. One minute she's distraught because he's leaving; the next she wants to divorce him.

"Andrea" was always proud of Dale's service. She has happily bragged that she's an officer's wife, about the pay, the retirement that will come their way, and the travel deals they have enjoyed staying at Army properties all over the country. Until now, she has supported the action in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Now, however, she has kicked Dale out of the house because she believes he has chosen the Army over their family. She says he won't be allowed to call or e-mail her or their two kids while he's on active duty.

Andrea refuses any suggestion of support services through the Army because she doesn't think the session will be kept confidential. Although I want to support her, I believe she's denying Dale the support he deserves. It infuriates me that she has been in favor of the military action as long as it involved other people's families and not her own.

Andrea and Dale have been married 20 years. She has never lived alone, nor does she have the means to support herself. She has been seeing a therapist for the past few months for depression, but her next session isn't for a few weeks. How can I help? What can anyone else do to help? -- CONCERNED SISTER

DEAR SISTER: Please put aside your anger and give your sister all the emotional support you can, because she's extremely needy right now. She has been hit with cold reality. Her behavior is irrational because she is frightened. Her husband is headed for a war zone from which he might not return. With her husband gone, she may also have to find a job to supplement his salary. She should be talking to her physician and clergyman as well as her therapist. (She may need medication as well as therapy to see her through.)

I hope your sister comes to her senses before it's too late, or she may spend the rest of her life regretting her immaturity and self-centeredness. Her attempts to punish her husband are counterproductive and could sabotage his peace of mind and safety. This is not a matter of choice. Her husband is fulfilling an obligation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our late 20s, and we agreed to be the godparents of our niece when she was born. My husband's brother and the mother of our niece are not married. The baby now lives with her maternal grandparents because her parents are young and irresponsible. Both of them are on drugs, and at least one of them has charges pending.

Are we still responsible as godparents now that the parents no longer have custody? There is nothing in writing, and this is getting to be a very sticky situation. The little girl is in good hands now. Please advise us. -- UNSURE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNSURE: Do you want to serve as the child's godparents? If the answer is yes, pick up the phone and inform the grandparents that you were asked to be. If the parents of the baby are as irresponsible as you say, it may be news to them. If the grandparents are agreeable, I'm sure you can work it out between you.

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