DEAR ABBY: I'm confused. My husband and I received the following invitation in the mail today:

"We Are Having an Anniversary Dinner for

'BYRON AND EDITH'

"(Sorry, you're not invited!)

"Instead, we would like you to send an anniversary card postmarked by Sept. 3. The card will be given to Byron and Edith at the dinner to add to the surprise."

Abby, we weren't the only ones who got an "invitation" like this. Have you ever heard of anything like this? Is this something new? I think the people who got these invitations were even more surprised than Byron and Edith will be. -- NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING IN OHIO

DEAR SEEN EVERYTHING: No, this is not something new. Social blunders have been happening for years, and this is one of them. How much more diplomatic it would have been had the request been phrased something like this:

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. 'Seen': In honor of Byron and Edith's anniversary, we 'kids' are planning an intimate family gathering. Because you have been treasured friends for so long, we wonder if you would contribute to a 'memory book' we are assembling for them as an added surprise. It need not be long or elaborate -- just an experience you have shared with Byron and Edith that was significant. Please send it before Sept. 3. Thanks in advance. -- Daughter 'Julie'"

DEAR ABBY: I'm not some young "chiquita." I'm a mature woman in my 50s. My live-in, "Eli," and I have been together for six years. We were happy, but over the last few months my man has become irritable and lethargic.

I did some snooping and discovered that Eli is up to his neck in credit card debt. His job isn't paying well now, but he continues to live as if his income hasn't dried up. He can't seem to accept that he can no longer afford special gifts for himself, his adult children and me.

Should I tell Eli I know he's paying an ungodly amount of interest and can't pay off his credit cards, or let him continue to drown in debt? I'm financially able to help him, but I don't know how to offer, because Eli won't share his need for it. Even if I did, I wouldn't know what to expect in return if I made the offer. Please tell me what to do. -- CONCERNED FOR ELI IN KANSAS

DEAR CONCERNED: Eli's irritability and lethargy could be depression related to his credit worries. Or it could be something else. Try to coax him to talk about what "might" be causing it, and suggest the two of you consult his doctor to be sure there's nothing physically wrong.

If you can't get him to open up, you may have to admit you know about his money problem. However, do not offer to bail him out. Instead, urge him to solve his problem by making an appointment with a credit counselor.

You can help him to find a reputable credit counseling firm by checking with the Better Business Bureau for the debt management companies he's considering. Also, be sure to ask if the company is a member of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling or the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies. Both of these groups impose "best practices" standards on their members. This will prevent your partner from being exploited.

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DEAR ABBY: I was disappointed by your answer to "Wondering in Illinois," who is jealous of his wife's best friend, "Cassandra." You accused her of having a "girlfriend" (and I know you meant in the romantic sense rather than platonic). You told him they were due for a long talk.

In my opinion, the problem is the husband's raging jealousy. What's the evidence of lesbian activity? Their vacations together? The phone calls? Obviously, this woman is having the kind of fun with her friend that she hasn't had with her nasty, suspicious husband in a long time. (I bet he hardly has two words for her if a game is on television.)

Isn't one of the signs of an abuser when he starts wanting to control his wife's friends? I think her husband needs to get a life and some friends of his own. -- KEELAH IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR KEELAH: When I advised "Wondering" that he didn't appear to be the first on his wife's list of priorities, I was UNDERSTATING the problem. The wife's girlfriend gives her lavish gifts and pays for their trips together; they make frequent bets with oil massages as the payoff, spend hours a day talking or text-messaging, ignore the husband to the point of rudeness if he's around, and the normal routine of the household is forgotten because of the distraction. It's not one thing -- it's the aggregate. I stand by my answer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree that "Wondering" needs to find out what's going on. A friend of mine was married 11 years to his high school sweetheart. She, too, began spending a lot of time with a female co-worker, and he was often excluded. In time, he began to resent the massages, trips, dinners together and other activities they shared without him. When he confronted her, she accused him of "trying to come between her and her best friend."

He got the shock of his life when he walked in unexpectedly one afternoon and caught them in a compromising position. His wife then demanded a divorce. Twelve years later, his former wife and her "best friend" are still a couple.

If "Wondering's" wife isn't romantically involved with her friend, it's time he finds out what's lacking in their relationship that she's getting from the girlfriend. -- ALSO WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALSO WONDERING: Good point. If there isn't a romance going on, marriage counseling could do them a world of good. A marriage can be healed only if both parties want it to be and are willing to cooperate.

DEAR ABBY: It does appear that the wife may be having an affair with her friend. I am a member of the Straight Spouse Network, an organization started by Amity Pierce Buxton to help the straight spouse understand the coming-out process of their gay spouse.

The Straight Spouse Network is a worldwide organization whose membership comprises current or former heterosexual spouses/partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples. Our members provide personal, confidential support and resource information to spouses, couples and families. We are the only support network of this kind in the world. -- MARIANNE IN GULFPORT, FLA.

DEAR MARIANNE: I am familiar with the Straight Spouse Network, which is allied with PFLAG, and have mentioned it in my column before. Dr. Buxton, who chairs the SSN, is a respected researcher and author of an excellent book, "The Other Side of the Closet" (John Wiley & Sons), that explains the gay spouse "dilemma" and offers strategies on how families can cope when the gay person "comes out." Not surprisingly, that's a complicated and emotionally wrenching process. The network's Web site is www.ssnetwk.org.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl. My childhood was not a normal one. I was molested by a man that I called Dad. Last summer he was sentenced to 15 years to life -- which is a severe punishment for him.

Abby, his family lives right across the street from me. Many times when I see them, I want to go over and say I'm sorry for what I have put them through. But I wanted it to stop -- so I told. Do you think I should apologize to them? -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If anyone is owed an apology, it is you -- not the family of the man who sexually abused you. YOU are the victim in this situation, not the molester, who is where he belongs for his criminal act, and not his relatives. You did the right thing by telling what he did.

It's common for victims of sexual crimes to feel guilt. Too often they blame themselves and wonder if they did something to deserve it. It doesn't help that abusers reinforce this notion by saying, "See what you made me do?" Of course, that is the big lie. Adults are supposed to control their impulses. Counseling could help you understand this, and I hope your mother or guardian will see that you get some through a victim's assistance program or the Department of Mental Health in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Duncan" for five years. It's my second marriage. I thought we were getting along well, but now I'm wondering if he's having an affair.

There is this woman, "Lucy," he claims is only a friend, who lives about 70 miles from us. I started getting suspicious when she called him one night when the two of us were in bed. (He immediately hung up the phone.) He gets up after I go to sleep to talk to her via the Internet.

I caught them once doing things they shouldn't have been doing. When I confronted them and threatened to leave, Duncan begged me not to go and said their friendship was "harmless." I forgave him, but now Lucy calls him at 3:30 every morning, and he gets out of bed to talk. I heard him tell her that he'd be taking a business trip in a few days and would call her back.

Now, Abby, I warned my husband I would leave if I found out they had any more contact. He doesn't know I know about her calling and that he's going to contact her.

Should I listen to my intuition? How should I handle this? -- SMELLS A RAT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SMELLS A RAT: Tell your husband the cat is out of the bag. You know what's going on and will not tolerate it. Offer him the option of marriage counseling. Cybersex IS cheating, and the daily 3:30 a.m. phone calls are, at the least, an emotional affair. This isn't "harmless fun"; it's a threat to your marriage. And if your husband doesn't end it, follow through on your word and leave.

DEAR ABBY: I am 77 years old. My darling husband of 54 years died three years ago. I am still wearing my wedding rings. Is this proper? I have always enjoyed wearing my wedding rings. -- PUZZLED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PUZZLED: You are entitled to wear your wedding rings as long as you wish. Many widows and widowers continue to wear their wedding ring(s) on their left hands until they feel they are ready to date again. Then they switch the ring(s) to their right hand, or remove them.

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