DEAR ABBY: An old friend of mine, "Marla," moved away six years ago. Imagine my surprise when she showed up on my doorstep last Easter. I had just started a new job and was bogged down with work. Marla had always said I was welcome to come and stay at her new home "any time." So, when she mentioned she was going to try to find a hotel, I said, "Of course not! Stay with me!"

Abby, Marla knew I had to put my best foot forward at work and that I had no vacation time coming. But she insisted that I go out with her to bars and stay until they closed. When I reminded her I had to take it easy and get to bed early, she loaded on the guilt. It was clear she was only concerned with her good time and how much her plane fare had cost her. I was relieved to see her go.

Last night, Marla called and announced that she's coming back next month, so I should "mark my calendar." She did not ask if it was convenient for her to visit me. She met a guy while she was here, and I suspect that's the reason for her visit. I'm afraid she's assuming my spare room is hers again. I don't want to offer it to her. She'll drive me nuts. On the other hand, we've been friends a long time. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Please give me some advice -- and hurry! -- NOT MRS. HILTON

DEAR NOT MRS. H.: You have described a person who is centered on her own "needs" to the exclusion of those around her -- and by definition that's a user, not a friend.

Pick up the phone and tell Marla you would love to see her one night while she's in town, but you are unable to have her stay with you. Do not apologize for it or allow her to put you on the defensive. Do it now, so she'll have plenty of time to make hotel reservations, or you will be blamed for inconveniencing her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leonard," just learned that his cousin "Neil" -- who is also his best friend -- and Neil's wife, "Julie," have been telling family members they think Leonard is in love with Julie! Julie says Leonard is "mean" to her sometimes because he has a crush on her.

Julie is very manipulative. She has worked to drive away Neil's mother. Now she's obviously trying to do the same with Leonard. We're not surprised that she'd do this, but what hurts my husband is that Neil actually believes her!

How should we respond to this? Should we call them and try to straighten this out? Or should we leave it alone and let them think what they want? Leonard is extremely upset about this, and I'd like your opinion. -- OFFENDED IN HAWAII

DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband should talk to his cousin "man to man" and assure him that, although "Julie is a great girl," she is mistaken. He is in love with you and only you. As tempting as it might be, you should not bring it up with Julie, whom I am sure would love to be the center of attention in the argument that would ensue. If other family members mention it, laugh it off. And for the foreseeable future, limit your contact with this couple.

DEAR ABBY: I am having a senior block (not moment) here. With so many troops in Iraq, and the news reports -- I can't remember what the abbreviation "GI" stands for. Help! -- IRENE IN BLISSFIELD, MICH.

DEAR IRENE: According to my Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), GI is the abbreviation for "government issue": "... of, relating to, or characteristic of U.S. military personnel."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently suffered through our second miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy because telling everyone about our loss the first time was so painful. We did, however, tell our parents. My mother proceeded to call all of her sisters, etc., even though I told her we didn't want anyone to know in case it happened again.

The same week I miscarried, I received a baby shower invitation from my cousin (my mother's niece). Attending a baby shower right now is the last thing I want, but I was planning on sending a gift. Mother accused me of being "selfish" and said I need to "get over it" because "everyone has miscarriages." She also threatened that no one will come to my shower one day.

How could someone, especially my mother, be so insensitive to my feelings? Am I supposed to sit at the shower and be tormented just so I'm physically present? Right now, I'm extremely disappointed, angry, embarrassed and afraid there may be something wrong with me. We're presently awaiting lab results.

If I someday do have a shower, I hope no one will attend only for the sake of pleasing someone else. Your thoughts, please. -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: Your mother's remarks were grossly insensitive, and they were also a demonstration of how ignorant she is about the problem you're experiencing. Many people are completely unaware of how emotionally devastating it is when couples who want a baby are unable to produce one. Every monthly cycle brings with it the emotions you have so aptly described.

As to whether you should attend the baby shower, call your cousin and explain to her what has been going on. I'll bet she knew nothing about your loss when the invitation was sent, and will understand your absence. You have my deepest sympathy, and I pray that one day soon your dream of motherhood will be fulfilled.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 and live with my parents, my sister, my grandmother, my aunt and my 6-year-old cousin, "Nina." (Don't ask -- it's a long story.)

Nina doesn't have brothers or sisters. Her parents are separated. She and her mom are always fighting, and Nina is almost always crying. She really needs help. Nina almost lost her memory because my sister pushed her and she fell and hit her head on a metal bar.

I can't stand the crying anymore. It's driving me crazy. I need advice, and you I can trust. Please help us. -- LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD, MESQUITE, TEXAS

DEAR LOYAL 10-YEAR-OLD: When three generations -- plus extended family -- live under one roof, there are bound to be tensions. I admire you for spending time with your little cousin, trying to make things better for her. However, you are only 10, and the entire responsibility shouldn't be on your young shoulders.

Please show this letter to your parents and tell them you wrote it. Your aunt is going through a difficult time right now, but she shouldn't be taking her unhappiness out on her child. If there are supervised activities that would get you and Nina out of the house, together and individually, it would do you both a world of good. And if your parents can step in and convince Nina's mother to get some help, it could change the atmosphere around your house for the better for all of you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old woman, married just over 19 months. My husband, "Troy," is caring and supportive -- but he's prejudiced against people who are overweight. He makes obscene jokes when he sees large people in public and generally has a bad attitude about people with weight issues.

We have recently discussed starting a family. Frankly, I'm scared to death of becoming pregnant because of Troy's feelings about weight. I admit to being vain -- I'm 5-foot-10, a size 6, and I work hard to stay that way. Troy loves the fact that I'm built this way, and he never fails to compliment me or make me feel sexy.

I am terrified about how he will react to me during and after the pregnancy. Troy says he'll love me just the way I am, no matter what that is, but 10 minutes later he'll make a comment about how glad he is he didn't marry a fat woman. I have tried talking to him about weight gain during pregnancy. He says pregnancy is "different," and I'll lose all the weight after the baby is born.

We both want children and can support a child financially, but I'm very concerned about what the pregnancy could do to our marriage. Have you any advice? -- BABY BLUES IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR BABY BLUES: Your concern is justified. Your husband's bias against large people has you between a rock and a hard place. How nice to hear that he will love you "just the way you are, no matter what that is" -- but what if you aren't able to "lose all the weight" after the baby is born?

You and your husband should schedule an appointment with your ob/gyn to discuss pregnancy and all of its ramifications, with an emphasis on the changes it brings about during and after gestation. It takes a man to be a husband and father -- and frankly, it appears your mate has some growing up to do before he becomes a father.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man, "Evan," who has two children ages 4 and 6. I love Evan dearly and we get along well in every area except one -- his younger child, "Melissa." She is very badly behaved, and I suspect she has ADHD -- but Evan and his ex-wife refuse to take her to a doctor.

After we are married, Melissa will be sharing a bedroom with my daughter, "Sasha." Melissa is very destructive, and I know Sasha will not be happy when Melissa trashes her toys and belongings.

The main reason Evan and I have not gone forward with our plans is Melissa. I don't know what to do. I'm losing patience with my fiance and his unwillingness to address his daughter's problems. There are problems in every situation with Melissa -- home, school, baby sitters, family functions, outings. I dread taking her anywhere. A 4-year-old is controlling my future, Abby. Please help me. -- STEPMOM-TO-BE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STEPMOM-TO-BE: One way to prevent Melissa from controlling your future is to take back control for yourself. The child clearly has issues that need to be addressed, and your fiance appears to be stuck in denial. Think again how this will affect your daughter if Melissa doesn't get the help she's crying out for. If I were in your shoes, I'd give my fiance an ultimatum: Have his daughter medically and psychologically evaluated, or no wedding. (In your case that would be a win-win situation.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)