DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my parents still have a videotape of my first wedding. I was married to that louse for a miserable four months. Several years later I met and married my present husband, a sweet guy. We have been together for 10 years and have three beautiful children.

I have asked my mother to destroy the tape, but she refuses. She says she keeps it because several of the wedding guests on the tape are now deceased. I would love to see those deceased relatives again, Abby, but not that cursed wedding. And I certainly don't want my children to see it. What should I do? -- DISMAYED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DISMAYED: Your mother's reason for keeping the tape seems logical. Stay calm, and ask her to please not share it with your children. That's a reasonable request. When the time comes that your mother joins the relatives on the tape, you can dispose of the "evidence" of your youthful mistake without causing a family feud.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee of one year who has only recently started dating after a severely broken heart and pocketbook. I was married 19 years and had never dated anyone besides my former husband. Dating is confusing and difficult for me. It's hard to decide who to date or if it's worth it. It definitely isn't like choosing a meal from a menu -- men are tricky characters.

I have been seeing one guy steadily. I'll call him "Chad." We are intensely in love. Chad wants to devote all of his time to me. He had lots of hobbies before he met me, but he has dropped all of them. He gets jealous about any time I spend with my friends. Chad says he doesn't need friends, and implies that I shouldn't either.

My friends are dear to me, and some of them are lifelong. I don't mind spending lots of time with Chad, but I'm not going to completely neglect my friends. How can I get this point across to him, or should I move on? -- DATING DILEMMA IN ARKANSAS

DEAR DATING DILEMMA: Pushing for a quick involvement and trying to isolate the partner from his/her friends are usually a tip-off that the "pusher" is insecure. They are also warning signs of a potential abuser. If you continue to date this man, he will alienate your friends to the point that you will have nobody but him. I recommend that you move on.

DEAR ABBY: Is there any rule of etiquette when it comes to approaching a stranger's baby? My friend, "Alicia," was holding our 3-month-old daughter, "Kimberly," while we were in a store. A friend of hers came over and asked to hold the baby. When Alicia said she should ask Mom, the friend said Alicia was holding the baby and took Kimberly without asking me first. This made my husband and me uncomfortable and angry. We took Kimberly from Alicia's friend and left very upset.

This is our first child, and it is our job to protect her. We feel we should be in control of who holds our baby. Your thoughts, please. -- CHRIS IN FINDLAY, OHIO

DEAR CHRIS: There is a rule of etiquette: No one should touch a baby without the mother's permission. Your reaction was a normal one. The woman who took your daughter from your friend's arms without permission had a lot of nerve.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I saw something today that broke my heart. A woman who appeared to be in her late 30s was sitting in a restaurant with a woman who looked to be in her mid-70s. It may have been her mother. The entire time I was in the restaurant -- about an hour -- I saw not one sign of verbal or visual contact between them.

The reason? The younger woman was on a hands-free cell phone, talking office talk from the moment their orders were placed. The older woman sat eating her meal, clearly with little interest and no animation. When they were finished eating, the younger one paid the server, and then gestured "let's leave" by pointing toward the exit. She got up quickly, motioning for her mother to hurry.

I found the episode upsetting, and I hope she reads this: Life is so short. Take your mom to lunch whenever you can, but talk with her, laugh with her, connect with her. Show her the respect and kindness she's due. Your cell phone will be around long after your mother is gone, and there will be no memories to bring you comfort. -- ALWAYS MADE TIME FOR MOM IN BALTIMORE

DEAR ALWAYS: I wish that what you saw was an isolated incident, but it isn't. For years, I have seen what appears to be an entire generation of people behaving similarly. My husband and I were having dinner in a restaurant recently. At the next table were a young woman (late 20s, early 30s) having dinner with a gentleman who appeared to be her grandfather. During the meal, he did not utter a word. She did all the talking -- loudly -- into her cell phone, making one business call after another. As he paid the bill and they left the restaurant, the woman was still on the phone. She didn't even thank him for the dinner.

A few months before that, we were in another restaurant. A table away was a very attractive couple who were seated across from each other in romantic candlelight. They spent their entire meal deeply involved in earnest conversation on their cell phones. But not a word was said to each other.

Is this the "new" intimacy? It seems that fewer and fewer people are connecting with the people they are with. And this includes parents who are out with little children. How sad.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle an argument between my husband and me. We were recently vacationing at a hotel resort with our young daughters. In the pool with our children one afternoon was a father and his two young daughters, both under the age of 10. After about 30 minutes the father left the pool and went back into the hotel, leaving his daughters playing alone in the water.

I stayed in the pool with my children for another half-hour before telling them it was time to go back to our room. There was no lifeguard on duty; signs had been posted everywhere that said children under the age of 16 needed to be supervised at all times. Worried about the girls' safety, I told them they needed to get out and get an adult to watch them if they wanted to swim some more. (The alternative was going to the front desk and reporting it.)

Back in our room, my husband informed me that I was being intrusive by saying anything at all. He said that if the father thought they were safe, I shouldn't have interfered in his parenting decision. Abby, I would have felt horrible if something happened to the children. Was I being intrusive, or did I do the right thing? -- CARING MOM, GREEN BAY, WIS.

DEAR CARING MOM: Unless both of the little girls were knowledgeable enough about water safety to understand exactly what to do in case of an emergency, they should not have been left in the pool without adult supervision. You did the right thing. The father was guilty of child endangerment.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 76, my wife is 65. Our neighbor "Roy" is retired, but probably less than 60 years old. The fence between Roy's property and ours is 6 feet tall, but the wood has shrunk and there are gaps of about half an inch or more between the boards.

Abby, Roy likes to work nude in his back yard and has told my wife he does this. Otherwise, he seems like a decent fellow. He has given my wife nectarines from over the fence, which is as close as I want his naked presence to my wife. Roy insists he has the "right" to go naked in his own back yard. Unfortunately, my wife agrees, and tells me she's not looking. I have asked her not to accept any more gifts over the fence from Roy and to keep her contact with him to a minimum. Am I being foolish? How would you recommend I handle this? -- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT IN CALIF.

DEAR TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: With a 6-foot fence around his property, Roy is probably within his rights to garden "au naturel." One way to handle the problem would be for you to develop an interest in horticulture. Perhaps the appearance of that fence could be improved by planting bougainvillea, or poison ivy on your side of it. Or a lovely cactus garden ... the possibilities are almost endless if you put your mind to it. P.S. Just be sure to wear gloves.

DEAR ABBY: Hello! I am 11 years old. I have known my best friend, "Dawn," since preschool. She has always been one step ahead of me. If I managed to get one step ahead of her, she'd get jealous and mad.

Recently my mother got pregnant. A few days ago she heard the heartbeat. Dawn was there when Mother was telling me and my brother the good news. Dawn said, "Oh, it's not dead yet?" She thought it was a funny joke. She has been saying things like that ever since she heard about the pregnancy.

Abby, I have told her once to stop all the chaos. I'm afraid to tell her again. My parents are now telling me they no longer want me going to Dawn's house. Please help me. -- WONDERING IN DODGE CITY, KAN.

DEAR WONDERING: The person who needs help isn't you, it's Dawn, who appears to be insecure, jealous and lacking in judgment. Her remark was extremely inappropriate and not in the least bit funny. Your mother should have explained that to Dawn and also discussed it with her mother. My advice to you is to do some serious rethinking of your relationship with Dawn. Best friends support each other; they don't one-up each other or put each other down. Your parents are looking out for your best interests in wanting you to limit your time with her.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Simon," and I are being married in three months. Although my parents are paying for the wedding and reception, we would like to acknowledge his parents in the invitation. The problem is Simon's mother passed away last fall, and we're trying to find an eloquent way of including her name on the invitation. Any suggestions? -- "STUCK" IN SHREVEPORT, LA.

DEAR STUCK: The invitation could be worded this way:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smythe

Request the honor of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Louise "Stuck" Smythe

to

Simon Wallace Penn Jr.

the son of Simon Wallace Penn Sr.

and the late Sylvia Palmer Penn

etc.

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