DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I got into an interesting discussion today. The topic: What would you do as far as burial is concerned if your spouse passed away and you remarried? Everyone had a different opinion.

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. If something were to happen to him and I remarried, where would I be buried? I would feel as if I were betraying both husbands if I chose one over the other. What is your opinion, and is there a "correct" answer to this? -- AURORA FROM MILWAUKEE

DEAR AURORA: There is no one "correct" answer to that question. What is right for one couple may not be right for another. Some widows (and widowers) remarry with the understanding that he or she will be buried with the first spouse. The logical and primary reason is that this will give the children from the first marriage one place to pay respects to both parents. Also, it's not uncommon for cemetery plots to be purchased years in advance.

However, because you would feel as if you were betraying both of your husbands if you chose to be buried with one over the other, allow me to offer a suggestion: Ask that your remains be cremated and divided equally between both husbands, providing it is all right with whoever survives you.

DEAR ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart, "Brent," at 17 and had a daughter with him. We have been together 5 1/2 years and married almost three years. I moved across country to a military base to accommodate his career.

Our main problem is that we argue a lot because he is never home. Brent is always hanging out with his friend. It's not that I don't trust him; I just want him to spend more time with me and his daughter. Sometimes I think we're not the same people we both fell in love with.

Brent has talked about counseling, but he never follows through. He won't give me a divorce, but he refuses to do anything to help the situation. I am trying to decide if I should pack my bags and leave with my daughter, and return to school and work on my degree. Please help me. I have everything on the line. -- MARRIED BUT ALONE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR ALONE: Rather than packing your bags, check out schools in your area, and start working on your degree right where you are. At least you will have a roof over your head, and it will distract you from your loneliness. Once you have your degree, you will be better able to provide for your daughter should the need arise.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Rose," asked me something I'm not sure about -- so I'm turning to you.

An elderly friend of hers was ill, so Rose bought a get-well card and the people at her senior center all signed it. Before she could mail it, the friend passed away, so Rose asked me if it would be OK to send the get-well card along with a sympathy card.

I told her she should have the friends at the senior center just sign the sympathy card and send it. Now I'm having second thoughts. Do you think I said the right thing? -- UNSURE IN CAMPBELL, CALIF.

DEAR UNSURE: Absolutely. It was a little late to send a get-well card.

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DEAR ABBY: For the past two summers, my husband and I have traveled out of state to visit my best friend from high school, "Grace," and her live-in boyfriend. Our other girlfriend, "Dina," joins us with her live-in boyfriend.

Dina hasn't been getting along with her boyfriend and seems to have emotionally latched on to my husband. (We've been married two years.) During the last visit, Dina wouldn't drink a glass of wine unless she shared my husband's glass. She laughed at everything he said, complimented his looks, took photos of him nonstop, and fawned all over him. My husband is flirtatious with all my friends and, although he didn't do anything inappropriate during the weekend, I felt threatened and told him so.

I feel Dina's actions were disloyal and disrespectful of our 30-year friendship. For sure, I don't want to do the couple thing again next summer. Is this a friend I should keep? -- FURIOUS IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR FURIOUS: You may have known Dina for 30 years, but a friend like this you need like poison ivy. After the performance she put on, it's no wonder she's having trouble with her boyfriend. Although it's possible she may have been trying to make him jealous, I wouldn't blame you if you and Grace decided to limit your visits to a foursome from now on.

DEAR ABBY: My close friend of 20 years, "Martha," recently obtained her real estate license. She went to work for an agency out in the suburbs about an hour from my home.

When I decided to sell my house, I listed it with a large agency that specializes in my neighborhood, with an agent I have also known for 20 years who happens to live a few blocks away. When Martha heard about it, she went ballistic because I didn't list with her. She said it was a slap in her face.

I tried to explain that listing my home with an agency out of the area that doesn't "work" this neighborhood or advertise in the local newspaper made no sense. Now I have lost a friend.

Was I wrong to list with the best agency -- which, by the way, sold my home in 10 days? Or should I have listed with Martha on the chance that the right buyer might happen to find my home for sale? -- MISERABLE IN HOUSTON

DEAR MISERABLE: You made a business decision that turned out to be the right one for you for a couple of reasons. Not only did you sell your home quickly, but you also found out that your "friend" was more interested in a commission for herself than what was good for you. Please don't be miserable. I'd say you're a very fortunate woman.

DEAR ABBY: I am a special education teacher. I see on a daily basis what happens when pregnant women abuse drugs or alcohol. Fetal alcohol syndrome can have devastating effects on unborn babies, and the victims are the children.

What is an appropriate thing to say to a visibly pregnant woman who is seen smoking or drinking? I don't want to sound hostile or unnecessarily offend anyone, but I feel that saying something to the mother would be in the best interests of the child. -- CONCERNED TEACHER, COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS

DEAR TEACHER: An appropriate thing to say to the mother-to-be would be: "I am a special education teacher. I see every day what happens when pregnant women abuse drugs or alcohol during their pregnancies. Their babies are born addicted, or underweight, and brain-damaged -- and the damage can last their entire lifetime. You may not be aware of it -- but I am sure your obstetrician can give you more information on this subject."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful woman, "Leora," for 35 years. We have five grown children any parent would be proud of. Throughout our marriage, I worked while Leora took care of the children. I retired about three months ago. Now I am home with Leora all the time and have just realized that she bathes only about three times a week. This has not only upset me, but also disgusts me!

I know she used to bathe the children every night when they were little, and she insisted they bathe regularly growing up. When I asked her about this, she said she has "always bathed when she needed it," and that might be nightly -- or not. She attributes this to being raised on a ranch where water was scarce. Abby, we live quite comfortably. The cost of water is not an issue.

I told her that people have to bathe daily in order to be clean. She asked if I could ever tell she hadn't bathed daily and the answer is no, but I know now, and it bothers me.

Please tell her that people have to bathe daily to remove dead skin cells, etc. She seems to think if I couldn't tell for 35 years that she hasn't bathed every day the topic is not an issue. It's getting to the point that I don't want to sleep in the same bed with her knowing she hasn't bathed that day. -- SEPARATE BEDROOMS IN THE FUTURE

DEAR SEPARATE BEDROOMS: You say you retired three months ago and now you're at home with your wife "all the time." If ever I heard about someone who needed to get out and find a hobby, do volunteer work or start a new business, it is you. For the sake of your marriage, please stop obsessing about your wife's hygiene.

For people with oily skin, or in professions where their skin becomes sweaty or soiled, a daily bath is a must. However, for people with dry or delicate skin, a sponge bath may do the job very well. If you haven't noticed until now that your wife didn't bathe every day, it's time for you to ask yourself why you are digging for trouble. At the rate you're going, you could wind up with more than separate bedrooms.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "John," wears women's underwear and hose. He likes it, and I realize it doesn't mean he's gay. That's not the problem.

His ex-wife, "Anita," insists on starting conversations with me about it, preferably within earshot of others. She asked, in front of their attorneys after a recent court hearing, if I "liked" the fact that John wears women's silk panties! (She owes child support and doesn't feel a need to pay it.)

I realize Anita is doing this to embarrass John and me, and I don't know what to do when she starts these "conversations." I've never met anyone so cynical, defensive, verbally abusive and in need of counseling. She's also an alcoholic in denial, but she doesn't have to be drunk to start these conversations. This is one of the reasons Anita doesn't have custody of their minor children.

I have tried ignoring her, but she'll stand there and talk to the back of my head, and the comments get increasingly personal and intrusive. How can I stop Anita in her tracks? -- EMBARRASSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: One way to stop her would be to turn around, look her in the eye and say, "Anita, I know you are bitter and angry, but the kind of underwear he chooses is up to him and is no longer your business. So knock it off." And then smile.

DEAR ABBY: I'll be brief. Can a person get an STD from oral sex? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN ORANGE COUNTY

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Yes, and that is why it is so important to know the person and his or her health status before beginning a sexual relationship.

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