DEAR ABBY: Last week, my 1-year-old son, "Tommy," crawled up on the couch where his father, "Monte," was resting. Tommy smacked his daddy in the face with a toy. Monte slapped Tommy back so hard he left a welt on his face. I grabbed the baby and said some things I perhaps shouldn't have. Monte got so mad at me that he threw me on the couch and began choking me.

A neighbor called Monte's father, "Lyle," to the house. Lyle asked what happened. When I told him Monte had slapped Tommy in the face, Monte called me a liar. Then Lyle turned around and came after me, cornering me in the kitchen. He got in my face and screamed that I was at fault for Monte losing his temper. He said it was because of my "nagging." I was cornered three times. Each time I tried to move away, he'd start up again.

Monte just stood there and watched me holding the baby and getting screamed at. He didn't lift a finger to defend me. I am so hurt. It's one thing to have a fight with my husband, but his father had no place getting in my face. Monte said his dad was trying to prove a point -- that a person can only take so much. Monte said he patted his father on the back for what he did. I am no longer talking to his father. Please help me. I am desperate for guidance. -- SHAKING IN OHIO

DEAR SHAKING: To slap a 1-year-old baby and leave a welt on his face is child abuse. Throwing you on a couch and trying to choke you is spousal abuse. What his father did is verbal abuse. Monte is standing behind his father because he thinks this is normal behavior. Unless you take your baby and get out of there, your son will turn out just like his father and grandfather. So leave now, before you or your baby are physically, as well as emotionally, damaged.

If you are afraid to leave, call the National Domestic Violence toll-free hotline: (800) 799-7233. Counselors there will help you formulate an escape plan. (For people with hearing impairments, the TTY number to dial is (800) 787-3224.)

DEAR ABBY I have been married to "Grant" for eight years. Soon after our marriage I learned he was a compulsive liar.

Grant told me while we were dating that he had a sister. I later learned the woman was a friend. He said he was divorced from his second wife when we met. They weren't divorced until one month before our wedding, something I discovered only when I found his divorce papers.

Grant's first wife swears they are still married. He says they're divorced, but he lost the divorce papers.

A year ago, I found out my husband was never in the Marines like he said, and after eight years of believing he had a BA in business, I just learned he dropped out of college after his freshman year.

I have just about had it with his constant lying. He has also cheated on me. I want a divorce, but I don't want to look like a failure to my family and friends. Grant is begging me to stay. He promises he'll change, but I have heard that all before. What should I do? -- WIFE IN CRISIS

DEAR WIFE: Consult a lawyer. Tell him or her exactly what you have told me. Because your husband misrepresented himself before your marriage, you may have grounds for an annulment. Your attorney should also check to see if there is any record of his first divorce, because if there isn't one, you and Grant are not married, which solves your problem. Cross your fingers.

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DEAR ABBY: Just before my daughter returned to college, my wife and I took her and her boyfriend, "Justin," out to dinner. It was the first time we'd met him, although they have been going out for about six months. They attend colleges a good distance apart, and see each other about once a month but talk daily.

As the dinner conversation progressed, I asked Justin what his major was and what he plans to do after college. He said he wants to be in the film industry. I asked what he planned to do if it didn't work out. He responded, "Go into the family business." I asked what business Justin's family was in. He responded that his family didn't have a business, that he had meant our family business. Then he said, by the way, he would change how we were running it to produce more cash by slowing down our expansion plans. I was speechless. My daughter told us later that she and Justin had never discussed it before.

My wife and I are in our 40s. We don't plan on retiring soon, or letting any of our own kids take over running the business. My wife says we should drop it. I think we should make it clear to Justin that our family business should not be his backup plan. If he did marry our daughter and wanted to come to work for the family business, he might be welcome. However, he certainly would not have the control he thinks he would. What are your thoughts on this matter, Abby? -- NOT READY TO RETIRE IN N.Y.

DEAR NOT READY TO RETIRE: I'll say this for Justin, he has youth and enthusiasm going for him; he speaks his mind and his contingency plan shows he has an eye to the future. Your wife is telling you to let it drop in the hope that the romance will go nowhere. However, on the chance that it will go forward, you'd be doing the young man a favor to bring him back to planet Earth regarding your business.

P.S. If I were you, I'd think long and hard before deciding to welcome him into it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19, and six months pregnant by a 28-year-old man. My pregnancy was a shock. At the time I became pregnant I had a job, but three months ago the business downsized and I was laid off.

My boyfriend is in jail and will be for the next two years. He has promised that we'll be together when he gets out, but I'm not sure if I believe him. He has two other kids with two other women, and he didn't stay with either of them.

My aunt has been paying my rent for me or I would be out on the street. I'm afraid, because I don't know how I can survive and support another living person. I had considered going to college, but how can I work, go to school and take care of a baby all by myself?

I don't want to have to depend on my aunt for everything. She says I should place my baby for adoption, but I'm not sure she's right. I took the responsibility of making this baby, so I believe it's my responsibility to face the consequences of raising it until the day I die. Can you help me decide what to do? I guess you could say my life is one big mess, and I don't know how to get out of it. -- SCARED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SCARED: A baby is supposed to be a blessing, not a "consequence." You are an intelligent young woman, and you are asking the right questions. Your aunt may have the right idea. Sit down with a pencil and paper and ask yourself, "What can I give to this baby?" Then ask yourself what a couple who wants a child but is unable to have one of their own could do for it. It is possible that the most loving gift you could give your baby is a family who would love it and provide for it in a way that you cannot.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old lesbian. I have a wonderful partner and we have an amazing 10-year-old son. My problem is, we seem to offend people when we refer to ourselves as a "family." I have had people correct me, sometimes even suggesting that I refer to my family as "my friend and my son" or "my friend and her son" (depending on who they think is the biological mother).

Abby, this woman is more than my friend. She's my partner, my life mate, my support and my co-parent. We try to be sensitive to people's beliefs and not call each other "wife" or refer to our union as a "marriage," but how far do we have to take this? We are a family. Our son calls us both "Mom."

We aren't "in your face" with our lifestyle, but to deny our partnership is to deny our son his family. We generally refer to each other as "my partner," which I think is an inoffensive term, but even that can send some people into a snit.

How should we handle people who want to redefine us? Why is it so hard for them to acknowledge that, untraditional though we may be, we are a family? -- TRYING NOT TO OFFEND IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING NOT TO OFFEND: Forgive me if this seems negative, but some people are so rooted in their fundamentalist ideology that they cannot and will not change. Please don't waste your time or breath trying to reach or teach them. The way to handle people who want to force you into their mold is to avoid them. Try it. You'll be a lot happier, and so will they.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson, "Curtis," will be 5 this year. I have promised him since he was old enough to walk and talk that I'd take him to Disney World for his fifth birthday. It has always been taken for granted that we'd include my youngest daughter and her best friend, "Trish."

At the time we discussed the trip, Trish's parents had good jobs. However, fast-forward several years and things have changed. Both of them have lost their jobs. Their home was foreclosed on, and they now live in a rental house and struggle to make ends meet.

I am also having a hard time financially, but I have been diligent in saving what I can to take Curtis to that magical place he has always dreamed of. We plan to fly there and stay on the grounds, which can be quite expensive.

Would it be rude to ask that Trish's parents at least pay for her ticket into the theme park? We never discussed who would be paying. My family thinks it would be rude, and would jeopardize Trish's chances of coming with us. When people invite my kids anywhere, I have always offered to repay the family for the expenses involved. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. What should I do? -- READY TO GO IN HOUSTON

DEAR READY TO GO: It would not be rude to tell Trish's parents when your trip is scheduled, and what the costs involved will be. As a matter of fact, it would be presumptuous of them to expect you to foot the bill for their daughter. If the cost is too great for them at this time, a nice gift from Disney World would at least let Trish know you were thinking of her while you were away.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)