DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old niece, "Brittany," married her boyfriend of many years last month in a lavish production of a wedding financed entirely by her father (my brother). On the invitations, it was mentioned that their home was fully furnished, so in lieu of gifts, they'd appreciate money for their honeymoon to the Dominican Republic.

Most family members generously complied and chipped in $300 to $500 each. My widowed grandmother, who lived on a fixed income, even sent them $50.

Four days after their return from the honeymoon, Brittany threw her husband of two weeks out of the house and moved in with her new boyfriend, whom she'd first met when he "entertained" at her bachelorette party three weeks prior. To say we are all surprised is putting it mildly.

No one has heard from Brittany since, and no explanation was offered. My mother recently got her on the phone, and Brittany quickly ended the conversation by claiming that all the money had been "spent" and that her now ex-husband had any funds that remained. (We know this can't be true because the distraught groom recently approached my brother and asked him to pay for the annulment.)

Doesn't etiquette dictate that Brittany return all gifts -- including cash -- as the marriage ended just days after the checks cleared the bank? Is this why there's a 12-month window in which to send wedding gifts? -- ANGRY IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ANGRY: Your feelings are justified. The answers to your questions are yes and no.

The rules of etiquette do dictate that unused wedding gifts be returned in a case like this. However, if the checks didn't clear the bank until after the unhappy couple returned from the honeymoon, the money was probably spent to pay off their credit cards.

Your assumption that there is a 12-month window in which to give wedding gifts is a popular misconception and incorrect. Wedding gifts should be given at the time of the wedding, or after the couple returns from the honeymoon at the latest.

DEAR ABBY: I married my husband, "Ralph," two years ago. We moved from New York to Arizona after he retired, one month after the wedding. We both have grown children and grandchildren back east.

The issue is: I'm not allowed to hang pictures of my family in the new house. I'm allowed to have four pictures in the office, one picture in the den and one in the living room. If I receive a new picture in the mail, I must choose which of the old ones will be removed and replaced with the new one.

Ralph feels that only "old people" put pictures up all over the house. I requested that we come to some agreement on this. He said that as far as he's concerned, the issue has been resolved.

Abby, I can't tell you how much I miss my family back east. To display their pictures brings me so much joy. Because I feel like I am a child who can't make any decisions in "his" house, I refuse to buy anything for "his" house, and things are still in boxes after two years because I refuse to decorate "his" house. What do you think? -- STUCK IN ARIZONA

DEAR STUCK: I think that if ever I heard about a newly married couple who needed professional mediation, it is you two. Ralph is being inflexible, and you are being childish. Please schedule an appointment with the best marriage counselor you can afford. And if Ralph refuses to cooperate -- go without him.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: Seven years ago, I told you about a new program called the Legacy Project that had been created to honor American veterans by preserving their wartime letters. I asked you to send a photocopy of a favorite war letter that you or a loved one had written.

The response was overwhelming. Since its inception in 1998, the Legacy Project has received an estimated 75,000 never-before-seen letters from every conflict in our nation's history -- including e-mails from Iraq and Afghanistan.

I thought you'd like to know that the Legacy Project has just announced that the entire collection will be donated to the prestigious Gilder Lehrman Institute in New York City, where the letters will be archived for posterity.

In honor of Veterans Day, I will share with you one of the letters from the collection. It was handwritten by a young soldier named Justin Merhoff, who currently serves in the U.S. Army and will soon be deployed to Afghanistan. It was addressed to his grandfather, Hugh Merhoff:

"Dear Gramps: I want to write you and let you know what I am doing these days. I found out that my unit was responsible for manning five of the 22 funeral honors teams that represent the 10th Mountain Division.

"Since I've never been to a funeral before, I did not know what to expect. There were times that I had to try not to cry after seeing the family go through the turmoil that death brings. These emotions were new to me and were hard to take at first. What really got me was that there were guys who were not U.S. citizens but were fighting for our country. I might never have met these soldiers, but they are all my brothers and sisters in arms. We will forever, even in death, be bound to each other by our service to our country.

"This whole experience has helped me better understand what happened during World War II, Korea and Vietnam, and the sacrifices made by those who served honorably -- and by their families. I know that you say you do not consider yourself a veteran because you were drafted and did not see action. You used the time you served to your advantage and became a doctor. You saved countless lives. You are the reason I am in the Army today. You instilled in me the values that you learned during your service, and it has made me a better soldier. Most important, it has made me a better person. -- Love, Justin"

READERS: If you would like to read more letters like this one, and learn more about the Legacy Project, please visit its Web site at www.WarLetters.com.

DEAR ABBY: A long time ago -- many years, for sure -- you had a definition of "maturity" that I kept and liked a lot. I can't find it. Can you dig it up, please? -- MOTHER IN OSCEOLA, ARK.

DEAR MOTHER: Consider it dug. It was penned by my mother:

This is maturity: To be able to stick with a job until it's finished; to do one's duty without being supervised; to be able to carry money without spending it; and to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my college sweetheart, "George," for 20 years. He's a great husband, a good father, and we are very compatible. He's the kind of man who brings me flowers for no reason, and who would rather be home cooking dinner with me than almost anywhere.

Recently a woman called to tell me that George was "screwing around" all over town, and she thought I should know I was married to a "pervert." She hung up before I could comment. Abby, George swears he is not having an affair and has always been faithful. He insists that she's just a crazy person.

Of course, I have to believe the man I have known for 24 years over a complete stranger, but this has been devastating. It has made me question my choice to be a stay-at-home mom, and made me nervous in crowds thinking that someone is watching me -- or us -- when we're out together.

George is trying hard to be there for me and says he'll go to marriage counseling with me or whatever I need. I know he loves me and our three children. But I can't help feeling violated and depressed, and I'm resentful that this stranger has the power to make me question my own happiness. Please help me. -- THREATENED IN N.Y.

DEAR THREATENED: Take your husband up on his offer of counseling, because you HAVE been the victim of an assault -- an emotional assault. In a sense, you have been violated. A wise person once told me that depression is "anger turned inward." A therapist can help you direct your anger where it belongs -- at the anonymous caller.

Please don't let the venom some stranger attempted to spread poison your marriage. You know rationally that your husband loves you and demonstrates it in every way he can. Whoever made that call may be angry at you or your husband for some perceived slight. She may be a kook. She could even be a high school student who was dialing randomly for kicks. It's not as unusual as you might think.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married three years. After the wedding, I chose to keep my maiden name for both personal and professional reasons. Everyone in my life has honored my decision with one glaring exception -- my parents.

On my wedding announcements, my son's birth announcement, legal documents -- even plane reservations -- they have either given me my husband's last name or hyphenated my name. I have called and begged them to stop doing it. (It caused problems with the plane tickets, and all of my wedding announcements and birth announcements were wrong.)

Every time I ask them to stop, they tell me I am the one causing the problem, and then they either get angry or promise not to do it again -- and then go ahead and do it.

Obviously, I am hurt and frustrated by their refusal to honor my decision. How should I handle this without causing a huge family fight? -- STILL "JANE SMITH"

DEAR JANE: You can't control what your parents call you, or how they refer to you. But you can control who places an order for formal announcements and makes plane reservations for you. As to legal documents, I would think you would have to be correctly identified in order for the document to be valid.

The way to solve this problem is to stop relying on your parents to do things for you and take control of your life. You don't have to be confrontational, but the more independent you are, the less what they do can affect you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)