DEAR ABBY: When I was 4, my two older siblings and I were taken from our mother and her live-in boyfriend by Social Services. All three of us had been victims of molestation. We had also been exposed to illicit drugs. If that wasn't enough, I later learned that our grandfather was also our father. I spent half my childhood in three different foster homes until, finally, at the age of 8, I was adopted by a caring family.

Eleven years went by, and I never heard from any of them. Then one day, my father received a call from one of my sisters. The two of them had been looking for me. He told them where I could be found. At first, I was overjoyed to hear from them. Of course, I made contact with my birth mother after that.

We have now been communicating for 10 years, and it has been nothing but pure hell. Every time we speak, I'm reminded of the horrible events that occurred when we were younger. So much so, that it has affected my sex life with my husband.

I don't want to subject my family to this anymore. How can I tell them I want to cease all contact with them without causing a huge uproar? Please help me. -- MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISERABLE: I'm surprised you waited this long to ask that question. Your reasons for waiting to be left alone seem reasonable to me. Inform your siblings and your unfit birth mother that contact with them is so painful for you that it has affected your marriage, and you must stop it. Do not apologize for your feelings or allow yourself to be made to feel guilty. Explain this to your adoptive parents as well so they can't be used as pawns. And if necessary, block unwanted calls, e-mails, etc.

Because it appears you did not get counseling as a result of the sexual abuse you suffered as a child, and it has adversely affected your relationship with your husband, I urge you to do it now. Your physician can refer you to a trained psychotherapist who can help you deal with your past. For the sake of your marriage, please don't wait any longer to do this.

DEAR ABBY: While sitting with my husband in the hospital following his surgery, a nurse entered his room. We all chatted while she took his pulse, etc., when -– without warning –- she removed his covers to check the surgery site and totally exposed his genitals.

I was shocked and embarrassed, and have trouble ridding myself of the image of my naked husband lying there in front of another woman. I wish the nurse had given me the chance to leave the room.

Is there something wrong with me for having so much trouble with this? What can I do to avoid this in the future? -- RED-FACED IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR RED-FACED: On a scale of 10, I'd say you are probably an 8 on the "uptight" scale. You seem to have forgotten that the woman in the room with you was not a lap dancer, but a health-care professional performing her duties. Your husband was her patient, and in her eyes, was probably as sexless as a CPR dummy. To avoid embarrassment in the future, leave the room when the nurse enters.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I invited our family to Thanksgiving dinner and everyone wanted to bring their dogs. That would have meant I'd have 15 people and six dogs in my home.

My husband and I told our families that it is not OK to bring their family pets. Now they're upset with us. Did we really do the right thing? -- CONFUSED IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Let me put it this way: You didn't do a doggone thing wrong.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about cell phone conversations in a public eatery. Granted, most of the time it can be avoided -– and should be. However, there are exceptions, and bystanders should not be so judgmental. I'm a hospice nurse and am often on call, yet not at the office. I must take the calls I receive and often work through complex problems on the phone, no matter where we are or what we are doing. Sometimes the calls are quite lengthy; sometimes there are none at all.

Bystanders who might judge my cell phone use do me a great disservice, and likewise people in other professions. My family is just glad that I can go out and enjoy time with them, even when I'm "working." They appreciate what I do and are proud that I give these worthy patients attention when they need it. Please consider that when you are a bystander, you might not know the "rest of the story." -- NURSE IN ADA, OKLA.

DEAR NURSE: While your cell phone use in restaurants might be necessary, you know as well as I do that most conversations aren't. You are the exception. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After reading about obnoxious cell phone use in your column, I had to share something I saw. I was waiting in line at a bank while a mother on a cell phone was doing her transactions. Her 10-year-old daughter was at her side.

The mother was in not one, but two conversations: "Yeah, yeah, that's right. No, no, I was talking to HIM. OK, fine! No, no, I was talking to HER." Finally finished and still talking, the woman walked outside, and I went to the teller's window.

I quickly finished my business and noticed the daughter was still standing next to me. I took her outside and found the mother getting into a convertible, still on the cell phone, as was the (male) driver. As the child and I neared the car, I realized the two adults were talking to each other! -- ANDY IN TUCSON

DEAR ABBY: I informed my 17-year-old daughter that when we are together, it's offensive and rude for her to be on the cell phone. I don't mind a quick, "I'm having dinner with my mom; I'll get back to you later." I give her the same respect, even when her father calls me. In other words, all members of this family extend the same courtesy to each other. -- THERESA IN SUGARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I work in retail, and this has happened to me. When a customer approaches me while talking on a cell phone and tries to hand me the merchandise, I smile and say, "No, don't give it to me yet! Finish your call. It must be important." Then I just stand there. I'm always polite and cordial, and you'd be amazed how quickly they get the "hint." -- LOVES MY JOB

DEAR ABBY: An old boss invited me out to lunch; however, within only a few minutes of our being seated, he took a cell phone call. I sat there for 20 minutes trying not to listen in, then finally I got up, walked out and went home. He called me later, upset that I had "abandoned" him. My response: "I thought we were having lunch together, but you were busy." We've had lunch several times since, and he always turns his cell phone off as we take our seats. -- READER IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion. If you notice someone ignoring his or her dinner companion and talking at length on a cell phone, it might be a kindness to invite the ignored person to join you. Not only could you make a friend, the rude person might get the hint that such behavior is unacceptable. -- TERI IN LYNN, MASS.

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DEAR ABBY: This year it's our turn to have Thanksgiving dinner for my parents, my two brothers and their families at our home. My parents and brothers all live in the same city, about three hours from my family.

My father recently had major surgery. He's recovering at home and can't drive. My mother can drive. However, she drinks a little, although she has never caused an accident.

Abby, I'd still like to host Thanksgiving dinner at our home. We don't have a spare bedroom, but I don't think it would be a problem to make sleeping arrangements for my parents, my brothers and their families. All together, there would only be eight adults, a preschooler, a 6-year-old, 8-year-old twins and two teenagers in our house -– and it would be only for two nights. (Members of our families always stay with relatives when they travel, so a motel is out.)

My wife thinks it would make more sense (even though she enjoys cooking) if we stayed in a motel close to my parents' home this year and treated everyone to Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant close by. How can I convince her that my plan to have everyone at our home will work? -- PERPLEXED IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your plan is well-intended, but it might not be what's best for your father right now. When anyone is recovering from surgery, it's not unusual to tire easily, and when the patients are older, they do not bounce back as quickly as younger people do. Once fatigue sets in, it is important that the patient go to bed and rest. With eight adults, a preschooler, a 6-year-old, 8-year-old twins and two teenagers all under the same roof, that would be impossible.

Another possibility is for you and your wife to stay in a motel, but offer to host the dinner at your parents' home.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man. He is 38 and I am 43. He is living with his parents until he can get his dad's business license.

His parents are mad because he goes out, and have demanded that he break up with me. They have not even met me, yet they are accusing me of being after a meal ticket. Abby, I have my own place, my own car and a job that I enjoy. He lives with his parents and is starting over with almost nothing, not even his own car. I am heartbroken.

What should I do? People say I need a man, not a boy. -- HEARTBROKEN IN TEXAS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I don't know how expensive a business license is, but this one is costing a "wonderful man" his independence. What you should do is find a man who is not financially dependent upon staying in his parents' good graces. If you pin your hopes on this one, you will STAY heartbroken.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old in middle school. I would love to show how responsible I am by doing chores for other people for a little extra money on the side.

I am very mature and get good grades, but I'm afraid that people will underestimate me because of my age. Do you have any suggestions? I read your column and love it. Please help. -- CURIOUS IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR CURIOUS: I respect your ambition and your entrepreneurial spirit. Proceed only with your parents' permission, and with neighbors they know. One way to accomplish your goal would be to distribute a list of the chores that you would like to do, along with a price list for your services. Include your contact number, and you'll be off to the races. If you are told by people that they have doubts about your level of maturity, use your parents as your first reference. Good luck!

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