DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my fiance, "Dave," and I befriended a neighbor of his I'll call Jane. We didn't know her very well. I tried to talk with her once when she joined us outside, but her focus was solely on her husband. Not long afterward they separated, and Jane was devastated. Their marriage had been filled with financial, emotional and infidelity problems, but she loved him.

Jane gravitated to Dave and me for emotional support. She needed cash, so I hired her to watch my girls twice a week so Dave and I could go out.

Things were fine for a while, but then she began showing up all the time. On nights that I worked, Jane would hang out at Dave's. Finally, we both told her it made me uncomfortable, and she seemed to get the message. She found another part-time job, became involved with church, and began reading books about boundaries, emotional strength and spirituality. I was happy for her.

Then Jane began confiding in Dave. She'd tell him about the men she was meeting at work, exposing herself to them for money, sex for money, intimate relations with married men, wanting to get tattoos in places I won't mention. When Dave told me, he made me promise not to say anything to Jane because he didn't want problems in the neighborhood. I ended my social relationship with her. She still baby-sits for me because it's hard finding help for my disabled girls. But our relationship is strictly business.

I would like to tell Jane how angry I am that she discussed her sexual behavior with my fiance while pretending to be my friend. Then again, I have the situation at home and I do need time off. Jane is asking Dave why I don't visit with her anymore. He makes up excuses. Although I promised Dave I wouldn't say anything, I feel an urgent need to get this off my chest.

Now, when and what do I say to someone who has shown no respect for me, my relationship with my fiance or our friendship? -- FURIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR FURIOUS: Say something to this woman ONLY after having made other arrangements for someone to baby-sit your children. After that, my advice to you is to keep your promise to your fiance and tell her only that you have made other arrangements. If you think you can win a spitting contest with a woman who has no character, no morals and no shame, you are deluding yourself.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my beloved daughter, Katie, died of a stroke. She was only 33. Her favorite time of year was the Christmas season.

Last fall, I began to worry what the first Christmas without her would be like. I knew we should still celebrate, but how would I bear the grief? I decided to do a project for my daughter. I asked all the relatives to bring a small stuffed animal to our Christmas gathering. Then I hung up Katie's stocking and we all stuffed it full with the little animals. I called them Katie's Critters.

On the anniversary of her birthday, Jan. 15, I took all the critters to our local WIC center. They were overjoyed to receive them!

I plan to continue this project every Christmas so we can remember our darling Katie and how much she loved the season of giving. -- SHERRIE W., VICTOR, N.Y.

DEAR SHERRIE: Your letter touched my heart. What a wonderful tribute to a loved one -- and I'm sure Katie's Critters have brought a smile to every person who has touched them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I wear wigs and hairpieces because I have thinning hair. They are always clean and well-groomed, and I have been told they look very nice. That's the problem! People -- strangers, co-workers -- often approach me and say things like, "Your hair always looks so nice. Who's your hairdresser?" or "How do you keep your hair looking so perfect in this humidity?" or "Do you color your own hair?"

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I wear wigs, but I don't feel I should have to explain it to total strangers. On the other hand, I don't feel right just saying thank you. I feel I'm deceiving people. And when I tell people I'm wearing a wig, the compliments stop. What should I say to these people, Abby? -- BE-WIGGED AND BE-WILDERED IN OHIO

DEAR BE-WIGGED: You are no more obligated to reveal to a stranger or casual acquaintance that you're wearing a wig than you would be to tell someone who compliments you on your figure that it's really silicone or sea sponges. It would not be dishonest to reply that you don't go to any hairdresser in particular (it's the truth) and add, "How nice of you to say that." Then shut your mouth and smile like the Mona Lisa. It's not dishonesty; it's discretion.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced more than four years. The marriage was an extremely unpleasant chapter in my life, but I have moved on. The problem is that my mother refuses to take down a photograph of me and my ex-husband that hangs in her home. She says it's a good picture of the two of us, and she won't take it down.

I tell her repeatedly that it reminds me of an unhappy time in my life, something I'd prefer not to relive, and I don't want to see it when I visit. Mom says I'm being childish and I should "get over it."

Is it childish to ask her to remove something that has negative connotations to me, even though it's in her home? -- KIMBERLY IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR KIMBERLY: I don't think so, and frankly, I see your point. I find it fascinating that your mother finds it necessary to cling to something she knows makes you uncomfortable.

Is it that the picture is unusually flattering of you? If that's the case, consider having a lovely studio portrait done of yourself, complete with hair, makeup and professional lighting and present it to her for her wall.

If that doesn't do the trick, I wouldn't blame you if you limited your visits to your mother's.

DEAR ABBY: I share an office with someone whose religious beliefs prohibited her from eating during the day for 30 days. I found it awkward at lunchtime whenever I brought food into the room and she was sitting there, obviously starving, but could not eat due to her religious beliefs.

Should I have moved my lunch to another space, although I tend to eat at my desk and work through the lunch hour? I felt like I was being completely rude, although I asked her if my lunch bothered her and she replied no. Your thoughts would be appreciated. -- DIDN'T WANT TO BE RUDE, ROCKVILLE, MD.

DEAR DIDN'T: Fasting is a sacrifice your office mate makes willingly, and she has already told you that having your lunch in front of her doesn't bother her. If she was uncomfortable, I'm sure she was free to leave during the lunch break. However, because it made YOU uncomfortable, in the future, eat your lunch elsewhere during the 30 days she's fasting.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The holiday season has begun and most people have started planning for family feasts, gifts, home decorating and travel. Not everyone, however, will be able to leave home, enjoy a holiday trip, or be with family and friends. For many people who are frail, elderly, sick and have disabilities, the holidays mean staying home without the festivities enjoyed by others.

May I offer some simple suggestions to brighten the holidays for our homebound neighbors?

1. One way to literally make the holidays brighter is to help replace burned-out lightbulbs inside and outside their homes. This can be extremely helpful for someone who has difficulty standing or turning bulbs in light sockets. (The same is also true for replacing batteries in smoke detectors.)

2. Help with holiday decorations. Because putting up decorations can be difficult for frail elderly people, a little assistance with lights and ornaments that usually remain in boxes could brighten their holidays.

3. Give a holiday gift of nonperishable food items. For elderly individuals on fixed incomes, a special gift of jam, instant hot cereals, fruit or a selection of teas or coffee could be a "luxury."

4. Check to see if the heat inside the home is adequate and that precautions have been taken to ensure that faucets are working during sub-zero temperatures.

5. A lap robe or quilt can be a welcomed gift for someone whose home is not well-insulated or heated when the temperature falls.

Many elderly people find it difficult to ask for something, valuing their self-reliance and independence, even if it means ignoring a need. If you think a homebound neighbor could use assistance or a special gift, please reach out and make the effort to help. -- LINDA MASON, VISITING NURSE ASSOCIATION OF TEXAS

DEAR LINDA: I hope your suggestions will stimulate people to think about how they can help those who have difficulty helping themselves. To your terrific suggestions, I would like to add: Loneliness is the ultimate poverty. If you can, spend some time visiting. For someone who lives alone, the holidays can be a constant reminder of family or friends who are no longer living. A little company can go along way toward easing these feelings of loneliness.

And if you're feeling lonely yourself, consider volunteering to deliver Meals on Wheels. Holiday vacations can create a shortage of the volunteers needed to bring meals and human contact to homebound elderly, and those who are sick and disabled. Besides delivering food, the drivers can also provide much-needed holiday cheer. There is no greater "upper" than bringing joy to others.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy I'll call Evan for about six months. A woman he dated for a long time died unexpectedly. She had left him four months before I met him, and until recently, Evan claimed he "hated" her.

Now that she's gone, Evan talks only about how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, and how he wishes she had never left him. I'm trying hard to be supportive, but it's difficult to listen to -- and, frankly, I'm somewhat hurt by all of this. How do you recommend I handle it? -- DISTRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR DISTRESSED: Your boyfriend is grieving not only for someone he cared about, but also for a lost fantasy. You're here, she's gone, so my advice to you is to be patient. Let him vent until you've "had it up to here," and then gently (do not gloat when you do it) ask him to "remind" you why his relationship with her ended. The answer might bring him back to reality.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)