DEAR ABBY: My daughter is a tall, thin, blond-haired, blue-eyed bully. She calls other girls at school fat and ugly to the point of bringing them to tears. The mothers complain to the teacher, who calls me and her father. Today her teacher told me that a schoolmate asked my daughter for a piece of candy, and she replied, "You don't need it. You're fat enough already." The kicker, Abby -- my daughter is only 5!

I don't know where she learns these things. We have always taught our children never to call names or pick on others because they are different. She has certainly never heard things like that at home. Her older brother is a sweet, well-mannered child who has never given us a moment's trouble.

Before this, I always thought that bullies were from homes where they were neglected or abused in some way, so they took it out on other kids.

But my daughter comes from a happy, loving family, and I can't for the life of me figure out how she can be so mean-spirited at such a young age. I didn't think kids that age were even aware of their appearance, but my daughter will tell you in a heartbeat that she's "beautiful" or "skinny." Her father and I talk and punish, but it does no good.

Is she just spoiled, or is this something serious we should be worried about? -- DISTURBED MOM IN DELAWARE

DEAR MOM: If your daughter were my child, I'd be concerned for a couple of reasons. She seems never to have learned that while "pretty" is an asset, it's more important to be a nice person. Regardless of how attractive people may tell her she is -- or she thinks she is -- she has developed an extremely unattractive personality trait. And her fixation on "skinny" could lead to an eating disorder when she's older.

I am also concerned because your daughter seems unwilling or unable to learn when you correct her. A child psychologist might help you understand what's going on. If I were you, I would have her see one NOW. You need to understand why your child has no empathy for others, and why she doesn't learn from being reasoned with or punished.

DEAR ABBY: I met a guy through an online dating service. We talked on the phone and e-mailed each other for a couple of weeks. He said he wanted a picture of me, so I sent him a couple.

I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then he sent me an e-mail and a text message. His message said, "U R moving way 2 fast for me." I have tried to e-mail and call him, but he doesn't answer. I stopped calling and sent him a couple more e-mails, but again -- nothing.

I'm not sure what to do next. I liked talking to him because we both are looking for the same thing in a relationship. I would still like to meet him and straighten things out and see how we get along. Do you think there is a chance we could get together? -- LONELY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR LONELY: What you should do next is go back to the online dating service and continue fishing, because this "catch" has lost interest. What he was trying to say in his e-mail, but didn't have the courage to tell you on the phone, is that the chemistry is wrong for him. My advice for you is, the sooner you move on, the better you'll feel, because pursuing this relationship further is a waste of your time.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Aaron in Syracuse" asked whether it was rude of him to ask, "May I ask who's calling, please?" when he answers the phone at home. His wife says it's nosy and people will think he's screening his calls.

Abby, the person who should decide if calls need to be screened and callers identified should be the recipient of the call. If the calls are for Aaron's wife and she doesn't want or need him to identify the caller for her, then he should not do it. On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be bothered by calls and requests that he "screen" for her, that's different.

Because he insists on doing it over her objections, I wonder if he's motivated out of inappropriate curiosity, jealousy or insecurity.

Please note: My view is specific to adults in the household. Whether parents identify callers for their minor children is a matter for parents to decide. -- CYNTHIA IN ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR CYNTHIA: You have a point, but the mail that came in response to "Aaron's" query indicates that various readers saw the problem in a different light. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my years of work answering a company telephone, I have discovered that saying, "May I SAY who is calling, please?" conveys the idea that the need to know is to relay the information to the call recipient.

"May I ASK who is calling" has a note of nosiness to it, and does not imply that the need to know is just to relay the name. Before I learned this trick, people would sometimes take offense at the question. However, using the word "say" instead of the word "ask" has never resulted in offense taken. -- DIANE IN GARDINER, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: You missed a golden opportunity to educate your readers on proper phone manners! I have always stressed to my teenagers, and their friends, that when they make a phone call, they should identify themselves first, then ask for the person they wish to speak to, as in, "Hello, this is John. May I please speak to Kenny?" Not only will this prevent the problem of the person wondering who is calling, it's just common sense and good manners.

I stress to them that in the business world, it shows not only good manners, but also consideration for others, both of which seem to be in short supply these days. -- WELL-MANNERED IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Aaron" -- however, there is one exception. When I was in my teens, my mother became an ordained minister. From that time on, if someone called for her and didn't identify him/herself, we didn't ask, as there might be confidentiality issues for the caller. -- MARGARET IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR ABBY: About 40 years ago, a grand old New York department store opened a suburban branch in our area. They had a team from the telephone company come in and give a few classes in telephone etiquette to all the new employees.

We were instructed to say, "May I TELL her who is calling?" in a pleasant tone, and I have done it ever since. People are invariably politely responsive. Also, we were told never to "mute" the receiver against our diaphragm while calling someone to the phone, because the chest cavity acts as an amplifier. Imagine a caller hearing, "It's that pest again!" or something worse vibrating through the phone. I enjoy your column. -- TAMPA READER

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate and best friend, "Herbert," for a year and a half. There's only one downside to our marriage. Herbert speaks horribly about himself several times a day. It began after our wedding and used to be limited to bill-paying time. But over the last few months, he has been doing it several times a day.

He says he's a bad provider. (He's not! We're no worse off than millions of other newlywed couples.) He says he's ugly. (Again, he isn't. I find him very attractive.) He says he is lazy and that I married someone who, "if it weren't for bad luck, would have no luck at all." The list goes on and on.

At first, I'd disagree, but recently I have gone from arguing with him to suggesting counseling. Of course, Herbert will have none of that. He says we can't afford counseling, which brings on another round of his opinion that he's worthless.

Abby, it's exhausting to defend someone who constantly attacks himself. What are my options here? I adore Herbert, but it would be nice to be able to talk about something other than, "No, you're not worthless. No, you're not a bad provider."

Please don't reveal my name or location. If he knows I've written to you, he'll start it again. Help! -- GOING MAD IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR GOING MAD: You have married a man with low self-esteem -- a bottomless pit. It would be interesting to know how he was treated as a child, because your husband appears so accustomed to verbal abuse that if he doesn't get it from someone else, he must do it to himself. Thus, you are forced into the position of having to constantly inflate his sagging ego -- which I'm sure is exhausting and frustrating.

The next time he starts in, try this: Say, "I would never tolerate anyone else talking this way about the man I love, and I refuse to tolerate it from you, either. Are you trying to make me respect you less? If you don't stop, you'll destroy our marriage." Then insist on some sessions with a licensed professional to sort this out. It's NOT too expensive; it's something you can't afford to do without. Almost any luxury sacrificed will be worth it. And if he still refuses, go without him. I promise if you do, you'll gain much-needed insight.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old man who recently reunited with his birth mother. I had a very close relationship with my adoptive family and was not desperate to meet my birth family, but I have enjoyed making the connection and like them very much.

I am being married next year, and because my adoptive parents are deceased, and because my adoptive sisters (both in their early 50s) mean so much to me, I plan to have them escorted down the aisle in place of my mother.

My fiancee believes I should also have my birth mother escorted down the aisle. I am afraid this would hurt the feelings of my sisters, who, while being supportive of my new connection, are still a bit sensitive about "losing" me to this new family. What do you think? -- MUDDLED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MUDDLED: I agree with your fiancee. Talk to your sisters about this now, and impress upon them that they are not "losing" you to your birth mother. She is joining THEM in your life, and this is a time of celebration that should be enjoyed by all -- not a turf battle.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)