DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Jack" for three years. When we started out, I fell head over heels in love with him. Then he lost his job and his personality changed. He was at home with the kids and I worked, but he became really resentful and cranky about my working. He stays in a bad mood and loses his temper over the least little thing. He always apologizes, but the pattern never changes.

It has been almost three years since he worked a steady job. If he found one he didn't like, he would call in sick or go in late. If our children get sick, he accuses me of putting my job first. Abby, I get him everything he wants. When he mentions something that he likes, I make sure he gets it. I have always put my children and him before myself.

He says he's always in a bad mood because he's always in the house. I'm tired of being yelled at every day. I'm also tired of his verbally abusing the children. They are more surprised not to get yelled at than when they do. We have been married a year and a half. He curses at me at the drop of a hat. He's never physical -- just verbal.

I have never told this to anyone other than you. If I say anything to him, he gets angry and asks if I want him to leave. Can you help me? -- HURT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be clinically depressed, or he may simply be a lazy, verbal abuser. The quickest way to find out what's ailing him would be to get him to see a doctor for a physical examination and a frank talk. If his problem is depression, he can be helped back to a more productive and happier life through medication and therapy.

However, if it turns out that your husband is just a freeloader who exerts control by constantly putting down the people around him, you will have to ask yourself some hard questions. First on your list should be, "Are my children and I better off with him or without him?"

DEAR ABBY: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it's like asking them to hold a block of ice.

Should I say something as I'm shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? If it's the latter, would, "I have a medical condition" suffice? Thanks for your help. -- ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ICE PRINCESS: If someone mentions your cold hands, explaining that you have a medical condition is an honest and acceptable response. Alternatively, you could smile and say, "Yes ... it means I have a warm heart."

PS: In the summer, I would think that shaking hands with someone whose hands are cold would be refreshing!

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From day one, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. She is never home. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us.

I have caught her cheating three times. For 19 years, I have sat back and taken it. Well, I'm sick of it. Please tell me what to do. -- TIRED OF BEING ALONE, NEWBERRY, S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Draw the line. If your wife isn't willing to behave like one, end the marriage. However, when you do, make sure that you have custody of the children. You have all suffered enough.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman who was known by my nickname, "Pudge," while I was in high school because so many other girls had the same common name.

After high school, I went back to my given name, and I have carefully told all my old friends that, while my nickname was cute for a 15-year-old, it no longer suited me. Most of them have made the change out of respect for me.

What should I tell my doctor's receptionist, who did not know me before, but insists on using my nickname? I have told her I prefer my given name, but she refuses to use it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think she should address me as I introduced myself. I see this doctor four times a year, so I see her often. She also uses the nickname on mail sent to my home. The best she has ever done is to preface it with "Mrs." What should I do? -- NO NICKNAME, PLEASE

DEAR N.N.P.: Because you have already spoken to the receptionist, and your request has been ignored, your next step should be to address your complaint to the doctor. Tell him how annoying it is that she continues to address you by a nickname you'd prefer to forget, and even puts it on your mail. And be sure to let him know that you expect him to put a stop to it, because if he doesn't, you will take your business elsewhere. That should "cure" the problem.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man I met on the Internet. He moved here to Idaho after our marriage. (He's from Minnesota).

We have traveled by road or by plane four or five times over the last five years to Minnesota to visit his relatives. However, my in-laws have made only one attempt to come to visit us. My father-in-law has since passed away. We flew to Minnesota for his funeral.

We have attempted many times to coax my mother-in-law to come to Idaho to visit us and the four grandkids we have had over the last five years, but she claims she's afraid of flying. When we suggested taking a bus, she came up with another excuse.

We invited his mother to Idaho for Christmas and again she refused, saying e-mail, Internet photos and phone calls are enough for her. She is very involved with her friends, card games, weight-loss programs, Red Hat Society, etc. She is only 72 and healthy and wealthy.

I am very hurt that she makes no effort at all to see us. We can't afford to fly six of us there even once a year to visit. Have you any suggestions? I think she is being selfish, but don't know how to fix the problem, and my husband is very hurt by it. -- FORGOTTEN IN IDAHO

DEAR FORGOTTEN: You can't change another person; you can only change the way you react to that person. Your mother-in-law appears to be selfish and self-centered, but much as you would like to, you can't change her. Continue to send her cards, photos and updates on her grandchildren's progress. However, you and your husband will be less hurt and disappointed if you accept the fact that his mother is flawed, do not personalize it any further and go on with your lives. Trust me on that!

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old gay male who has always wanted to be a father. Last night I informed my parents about my decision to adopt a boy who is 7.

My parents reacted as if I'd walked in and told them that I had murdered someone. My mother said she was disgusted and became almost physically ill. My father was less dramatic but no less displeased.

I have no past history that would cause them to react this way, nor do I have any criminal past (or present) that would cause them to react so vehemently against adoption. I don't understand what their problem is.

I know they worry that the child will come with familial baggage and I'll be expected to support others -- or that any inheritance I receive will go "outside the family." However, my blood family ends with me, whether or not I adopt.

My parents are considerably older. Is there something I am not aware of from the World War II era that would cause my folks to be so opposed to adoption? I'd appreciate some advice as I navigate this difficult time. -- TAKEN ABACK IN GEORGIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Your mother could still believe the homophobic and mistaken notion that a gay man adopting a boy means he will molest the child. That would explain her extreme negative reaction to your good news.

My advice is to talk frankly with both of your parents and make sure they understand that according to an article published by the American Academy of Pediatrics back in 1994, "Most child abuse appears to be committed by situational child abusers who present themselves as HETEROSEXUALS." (The italics are mine.) Also, "Children raised in gay or lesbian households do not show any greater incidence of homosexuality or gender identity issues than other children."

Further, according to the American Psychological Association, "there is no evidence to suggest that lesbians or gay men are unfit to be parents or that psychosocial development among children of gay men and lesbians is compromised in any respect relevant to that among offspring of heterosexual parents. ... Indeed, the evidence to date suggests that home environments provided by gay and lesbian parents are as likely as those provided by heterosexual parents to SUPPORT and ENABLE children's psychosocial growth." (Italics are mine.)

Not knowing your parents, I don't know the basis of their beliefs. However, it might be helpful if you were to contact P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and get their literature to share with your parents. You can contact P-FLAG by going to www.pflag.org or writing to 1726 M Street N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.

Please don't put it off. While it's not impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, it can take time to broaden the horizons of people whose minds have been closed for half a century or more. My advice is to start ASAP. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: When my father and I are in his car and he's taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, "BOO!" I have told him I don't like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it's funny, but I don't. Am I overreacting? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: No, you are not. Your father's behavior is inappropriate and a little sadistic. He shouldn't be touching you in a way that you have asked him not to. Tell your mother that he's making you uncomfortable, and if that doesn't end it, tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school.

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