DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law was born during the Depression. My question is, what is a safe amount of time to be able to eat meat from the freezer?

We have noticed items that are more than 5 years old that my father-in-law insists are still good, "... you just cut off the freezer burn." We're afraid he's going to poison himself. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, WELLINGTON, COLO.

DEAR CONCERNED: According to Mike Herndon, media spokesman for the Food and Drug Administration, meat can be frozen "almost indefinitely." However, it must be stored constantly at zero degrees to be safe. Freezer burn does not make food unsafe, but may affect the quality.

The following are freezer storage times for quality only: uncooked roasts, steaks or chops, four to 12 months; whole poultry, 12 months; poultry parts, nine months. Also, it's a good idea to check for odor after meat and poultry have been frozen for too long. If there is a rancid smell, obviously, do not use it.

DEAR ABBY: A new employee, "Nicki," was recently hired at the company where I work. A group of us eat lunch together, and we have tried to make Nicki as welcome as possible by asking her to join our table.

Usually our conversation consists of talk about our families or a movie we saw recently, but Nicki always seems to interject a piece of information that is so private as to be inappropriate. Recently she confided that her husband had cheated on her, and that he had been arrested for theft.

Lunchtime has become less pleasant because this woman seems to have no boundaries. How can I politely let her know that giving too much information about her private life makes me (and other employees) uncomfortable? -- SQUIRMING IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR SQUIRMING: The woman has my sympathy. She is trying to bond with you folks in the only way she knows how. It would not be impolite to take her aside and quietly tell her that it isn't necessary to air her dirty laundry in order to make friends at the company. You will be doing her a favor. Please do it now.

DEAR ABBY: When our grandchildren come to visit, their parents do not discipline them. When our children visited our parents, we made sure they behaved. As a matter of fact, we did it no matter where they went.

What do you do when the parents do not attend to their children? When I served Christmas dinner, they did not insist that their 6-year-old join the family. He was allowed to continue playing videos. How do I let them know there are rules here?

It hurts my feelings when my grandchildren treat my good furniture as a playground. I don't see them often, but I'd rather skip having them in my home and visit them. However, my children rarely offer to host the holidays. What's a person to do? -- CONFUSED GRANDMA IN INDIANA

DEAR CONFUSED: I'd suggest a two-pronged approach. Ask your children to inform the grandkids that when they visit their grandparents there are certain rules of conduct that must be observed -- and that includes sharing mealtime together and not jumping on or off the furniture. And then, if the youngsters don't behave, take them aside and explain that they may act that way in their parents' home, but not in yours because you have rules -- and tell them exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them.

The longer you remain silent, the longer your problem will continue.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece's face onto the girl in the picture.

I then went through my husband's things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year.

I no longer feel comfortable with him physically, and I don't care if we get divorced. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem?

We have a son who is almost 4. Is divorce easier when the children are smaller, since they won't remember as much? Please help me. I just don't know what to do. -- GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Your husband has serious problems. By substituting your niece's face for that of the girl in the picture, he has shown that he has an incestuous interest in a minor. And by attempting to videotape you during intimate moments without your consent, he has shown that he has no respect for your feelings. If he refuses to get professional help, show the picture to the parents of your niece.

Divorce is never easy on children, but your son will accept it more easily if you do it now rather than when he is older and expects you to explain the reason in logical terms.

DEAR ABBY: I have six good friends who live together. When they answer the phone, I never know who I'm talking to. I always say, "This is Vanessa," but they never reply by volunteering their names.

Is it reasonable to expect them to identify themselves? I have considered asking them to, but never have. I'm not sure if it would be presumptuous or not. -- CONFUSED IN COLUMBIA, MO.

DEAR CONFUSED: When you identify yourself, I would think that the response would be, "Oh, hi, Vanessa! It's 'Julie.' How are you?" However, since that's not the response you're getting, it's certainly not presumptuous to ask, "... and who is this?" Or, "With whom am I having the pleasure?" That's what I'd do.

DEAR ABBY: My father lives in another state and drove here to see our new baby girl. He saw her while she was in the nursery at the hospital.

When I returned home from the hospital, my father wanted to come over immediately. I was very tired, and when I suggested that his wife and her son not come along, he refused to come. Abby, their boy screams and is out of control most of the time, and I didn't want him disrupting my two other children.

Was I wrong to ask that it just be my dad? It has been eight months since he has been down here, and I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? -- FRAZZLED MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRAZZLED: It couldn't hurt to offer an apology. Your father considers his wife and stepson to be part of your family, too, and probably didn't recognize how disruptive this child can be.

In the interests of family harmony, and before this festers any further, pick up the phone and call.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO GET EVEN" IN ROANOKE: Violence is not the answer, nor any kind of retaliation. To quote Nelson Mandela: "Education is the most powerful weapon. You can use it to change the world."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Jack" for three years. When we started out, I fell head over heels in love with him. Then he lost his job and his personality changed. He was at home with the kids and I worked, but he became really resentful and cranky about my working. He stays in a bad mood and loses his temper over the least little thing. He always apologizes, but the pattern never changes.

It has been almost three years since he worked a steady job. If he found one he didn't like, he would call in sick or go in late. If our children get sick, he accuses me of putting my job first. Abby, I get him everything he wants. When he mentions something that he likes, I make sure he gets it. I have always put my children and him before myself.

He says he's always in a bad mood because he's always in the house. I'm tired of being yelled at every day. I'm also tired of his verbally abusing the children. They are more surprised not to get yelled at than when they do. We have been married a year and a half. He curses at me at the drop of a hat. He's never physical -- just verbal.

I have never told this to anyone other than you. If I say anything to him, he gets angry and asks if I want him to leave. Can you help me? -- HURT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be clinically depressed, or he may simply be a lazy, verbal abuser. The quickest way to find out what's ailing him would be to get him to see a doctor for a physical examination and a frank talk. If his problem is depression, he can be helped back to a more productive and happier life through medication and therapy.

However, if it turns out that your husband is just a freeloader who exerts control by constantly putting down the people around him, you will have to ask yourself some hard questions. First on your list should be, "Are my children and I better off with him or without him?"

DEAR ABBY: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it's like asking them to hold a block of ice.

Should I say something as I'm shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? If it's the latter, would, "I have a medical condition" suffice? Thanks for your help. -- ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ICE PRINCESS: If someone mentions your cold hands, explaining that you have a medical condition is an honest and acceptable response. Alternatively, you could smile and say, "Yes ... it means I have a warm heart."

PS: In the summer, I would think that shaking hands with someone whose hands are cold would be refreshing!

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From day one, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. She is never home. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us.

I have caught her cheating three times. For 19 years, I have sat back and taken it. Well, I'm sick of it. Please tell me what to do. -- TIRED OF BEING ALONE, NEWBERRY, S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Draw the line. If your wife isn't willing to behave like one, end the marriage. However, when you do, make sure that you have custody of the children. You have all suffered enough.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)