DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.

In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, "When are you going to have a baby?" or, "You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?" or, "Don't you want kids?"

Abby, my family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions? -- CHILDLESS AND HAPPY IN TEXAS

DEAR CHILDLESS AND HAPPY: There are several ways to handle questions that are nobody's business. One is to deflect the question by asking another: "Why do you ask?" Or, "Why do you think that's any of your business?" Alternatively, if you really want the person to back down, you can reply, "If it were any of your business, you'd already know the answer to that question. Please don't ask me again!"

DEAR ABBY: My mother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer that spread to her liver. Over the last five years, she has put up a brave fight, smiling through her surgeries, years of chemo and constant pain. The doctors now say there's nothing more they can do. Basically, Mom is at home waiting to die.

I recently moved back with my parents so I can help Dad with Mother's care. I'm glad I can take time off and spend quality time with them. I am 23 and love them both.

My concern is, my father rarely speaks about Mother's illness. We joke about it, mostly to avoid a sad, uncomfortable situation. I'm dealing with this like my dad does. I rarely talk about it, and when I do, I make a joke. I have tried discussing how I feel with friends, but most of the time they stop me because it's hard for them to hear. I have also tried talking about things with Dad, but I don't want to make him sad. I start to lose it every time he tears up, so now I avoid the subject.

I don't know who to talk to. Sometimes I feel it's pointless to try because talking won't change the situation. But my feelings are becoming overwhelming, and I need to let them out. Can you help me? -- OVERWHELMED IN ARIZONA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I'm sorry your mother isn't doing well. However, I'm sure your presence is a great comfort to both of your parents.

It is very important that both you and your father find an outlet where it's safe to talk about your feelings because they are normal. Although it may be painful, and probably tearful, tears can be healing. The American Cancer Society has programs for people with cancer and their families, including excellent support groups. You do not have to go through this difficult time alone, so please don't wait to make contact. Find a program in your area by visiting www.cancer.org and typing in your ZIP code. (Or you can call: 1-800-ACS-2345.) There is also an online community where people can chat anytime they feel the need 24/7. Although it's a cancer survivors' network, families are welcome, too. You're in my prayers.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law was born during the Depression. My question is, what is a safe amount of time to be able to eat meat from the freezer?

We have noticed items that are more than 5 years old that my father-in-law insists are still good, "... you just cut off the freezer burn." We're afraid he's going to poison himself. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, WELLINGTON, COLO.

DEAR CONCERNED: According to Mike Herndon, media spokesman for the Food and Drug Administration, meat can be frozen "almost indefinitely." However, it must be stored constantly at zero degrees to be safe. Freezer burn does not make food unsafe, but may affect the quality.

The following are freezer storage times for quality only: uncooked roasts, steaks or chops, four to 12 months; whole poultry, 12 months; poultry parts, nine months. Also, it's a good idea to check for odor after meat and poultry have been frozen for too long. If there is a rancid smell, obviously, do not use it.

DEAR ABBY: A new employee, "Nicki," was recently hired at the company where I work. A group of us eat lunch together, and we have tried to make Nicki as welcome as possible by asking her to join our table.

Usually our conversation consists of talk about our families or a movie we saw recently, but Nicki always seems to interject a piece of information that is so private as to be inappropriate. Recently she confided that her husband had cheated on her, and that he had been arrested for theft.

Lunchtime has become less pleasant because this woman seems to have no boundaries. How can I politely let her know that giving too much information about her private life makes me (and other employees) uncomfortable? -- SQUIRMING IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR SQUIRMING: The woman has my sympathy. She is trying to bond with you folks in the only way she knows how. It would not be impolite to take her aside and quietly tell her that it isn't necessary to air her dirty laundry in order to make friends at the company. You will be doing her a favor. Please do it now.

DEAR ABBY: When our grandchildren come to visit, their parents do not discipline them. When our children visited our parents, we made sure they behaved. As a matter of fact, we did it no matter where they went.

What do you do when the parents do not attend to their children? When I served Christmas dinner, they did not insist that their 6-year-old join the family. He was allowed to continue playing videos. How do I let them know there are rules here?

It hurts my feelings when my grandchildren treat my good furniture as a playground. I don't see them often, but I'd rather skip having them in my home and visit them. However, my children rarely offer to host the holidays. What's a person to do? -- CONFUSED GRANDMA IN INDIANA

DEAR CONFUSED: I'd suggest a two-pronged approach. Ask your children to inform the grandkids that when they visit their grandparents there are certain rules of conduct that must be observed -- and that includes sharing mealtime together and not jumping on or off the furniture. And then, if the youngsters don't behave, take them aside and explain that they may act that way in their parents' home, but not in yours because you have rules -- and tell them exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them.

The longer you remain silent, the longer your problem will continue.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece's face onto the girl in the picture.

I then went through my husband's things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year.

I no longer feel comfortable with him physically, and I don't care if we get divorced. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem?

We have a son who is almost 4. Is divorce easier when the children are smaller, since they won't remember as much? Please help me. I just don't know what to do. -- GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Your husband has serious problems. By substituting your niece's face for that of the girl in the picture, he has shown that he has an incestuous interest in a minor. And by attempting to videotape you during intimate moments without your consent, he has shown that he has no respect for your feelings. If he refuses to get professional help, show the picture to the parents of your niece.

Divorce is never easy on children, but your son will accept it more easily if you do it now rather than when he is older and expects you to explain the reason in logical terms.

DEAR ABBY: I have six good friends who live together. When they answer the phone, I never know who I'm talking to. I always say, "This is Vanessa," but they never reply by volunteering their names.

Is it reasonable to expect them to identify themselves? I have considered asking them to, but never have. I'm not sure if it would be presumptuous or not. -- CONFUSED IN COLUMBIA, MO.

DEAR CONFUSED: When you identify yourself, I would think that the response would be, "Oh, hi, Vanessa! It's 'Julie.' How are you?" However, since that's not the response you're getting, it's certainly not presumptuous to ask, "... and who is this?" Or, "With whom am I having the pleasure?" That's what I'd do.

DEAR ABBY: My father lives in another state and drove here to see our new baby girl. He saw her while she was in the nursery at the hospital.

When I returned home from the hospital, my father wanted to come over immediately. I was very tired, and when I suggested that his wife and her son not come along, he refused to come. Abby, their boy screams and is out of control most of the time, and I didn't want him disrupting my two other children.

Was I wrong to ask that it just be my dad? It has been eight months since he has been down here, and I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? -- FRAZZLED MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRAZZLED: It couldn't hurt to offer an apology. Your father considers his wife and stepson to be part of your family, too, and probably didn't recognize how disruptive this child can be.

In the interests of family harmony, and before this festers any further, pick up the phone and call.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO GET EVEN" IN ROANOKE: Violence is not the answer, nor any kind of retaliation. To quote Nelson Mandela: "Education is the most powerful weapon. You can use it to change the world."

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