DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always made it a priority to spend time with the people in our lives we care for. At this stage, our children are gone and our large home is ideal for gatherings, so we are frequent hosts to friends and family.

One of our close friends, "Gloria," has a roommate, "Ivy," who has taken it upon herself to show up at any event she hears about without being invited. This has put Gloria in the uncomfortable position of being the "informant." In most cases, it wouldn't present a problem. However, Ivy has shown up at sit-down dinners with limited seating. She never offers to bring anything or calls to make sure she's welcome. Sometimes she shows up earlier than when our guests have been told to arrive. This has caused some awkward situations for me, to put it mildly.

Not only that, but Ivy is a very demanding guest. On a few occasions she has tried to boss me around and expects me to wait on her hand and foot. How can we tactfully tell this woman she needs to call before showing up to make sure she's welcome? -- HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST IN OHIO

DEAR HOSTESS: You have described a boor who knows no boundaries. Please do not waste your time trying to be "tactful," because it won't work. The next time Ivy shows up uninvited, tell her exactly what you have written to me and do not admit her. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I have struggled with my weight ever since the death of my child several years ago. This year for Christmas, a family member -- who despises me -- drew my name. Her gift to me was a glass pie dish containing cookie-making ingredients, plus a pastry cutter and two basting brushes.

She knows I always send thank-you cards. What kind of thank-you should I send her? She reads your column. Maybe I can just send her your reply? -- STUMPED IN WEST RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR STUMPED: Do not clip and send the woman my reply. That would be bad manners. Instead, copy it on stationery in your own handwriting. Here's what to tell her:

"How kind of you to remember me with the goodie-fixings. I have always felt that the thought and planning that go into selecting a gift are what makes it -- and the sender -- so special. Your generosity will not soon be forgotten!"

I think that will express what you would like to say in a way that will leave you above reproach.

DEAR ABBY: I need to know if my husband's relationship with his ex-wife should be tolerated. They talk to each other on the phone every month or so, and send each other cards on special occasions. Their closeness caused a former girlfriend to break off their relationship before we met.

He is determined to stay close and sees nothing wrong with it. There were no children from the marriage, Abby, so that is not the reason.

Why do people who remain this close get divorced? Am I wrong to feel hurt and threatened, because I'm ready to just walk away from this warped, co-dependent relationship. Please let me know your thoughts. -- READY TO QUIT IN ARIZONA

DEAR READY TO QUIT: Your husband's first marriage failed for good reason. However, he and his ex may "cling" because they invested so much of themselves in the relationship that they can't completely detach.

Before you throw in the towel, please consider marriage counseling. Your husband may not understand how deeply his ongoing relationship with his ex hurts you. A neutral third party might be able to get through to him what you cannot.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have recently returned home from a 3,000-mile driving trip.

Why don't radio stations give their city of origin when they give their call letters/numbers? This would greatly help travelers who are driving through the area when it comes to traffic or weather problems. Sometimes a station will report a bad accident on the "outer belt" that drivers should avoid. But "outer belt" to what city? Am I approaching it, or is it behind me?

The same could be said about weather. The announcer may report a severe storm coming, but unless one knows what city is reporting, again, a traveler has no way of knowing if it's ahead or behind where he or she is driving.

Please help to get the word out regarding the safety value of this one-second addition to these broadcasts. Thank you on behalf of travelers everywhere. -- FRUSTRATED TRAVELER, MANSFIELD, OHIO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your frustration is shared by many people who travel the highways. I say this because your letter is not the first I have received carrying the same message. I hope that radio weathercasters will give your suggestion the consideration it deserves, because if they do, it could prevent accidents and possibly even save some lives.

DEAR ABBY: I had my first child eight weeks ago -- a beautiful baby boy. I would like to let him stay with my parents; however, my mother refuses to clean her house. The place looks like it has been ransacked. There are piles of old newspapers, old magazines and old mail everywhere.

It's not uncommon to find dirty dishes and utensils under the couch and on the floor. There are TV tray tables stacked 6 to 10 inches high with papers.

Abby, my baby's safety comes first. I'm not germ-phobic, and I know a little dirt won't hurt. But all those rubber bands and paperclips left on the floor could hurt.

Mom acts offended that I won't allow my baby to be left at her home without me. My sister says I'm overreacting since her child "survived" all his visits. Am I being unreasonable? -- APPREHENSIVE

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: When I began reading your letter, I thought you might be. Then I reached the part about the dirty dishes, rubber bands and paperclips left on the floor and realized the place could be a health hazard not only to your baby, but also to your parents, who could trip on the debris and injure themselves. Have you considered volunteering to help your parents clean the house, or treating them to a cleaning service?

I'm pleased your sister's child has "survived" his visits to his grandparents'. However, to leave your child unattended there could be considered child endangerment, so I'm voting with you.

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever written to you, but I need you to help get the word out.

I was shocked to find out recently that people in their teens through their 40s do not know what a white cane means. Teachers should tell their children in class -- as we were taught -- that it means the person is blind or legally blind. -- H.M.L. IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR H.M.L.: I agree!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I went into our home office and noticed that my wife had left her e-mail on. I spotted an odd name, so I opened one of the messages and my jaw dropped. It was from a man with whom my wife was having an affair. The e-mails were so graphic as to leave nothing to the imagination. This person is someone with whom my wife had an affair before we got together. He was going to leave his wife and live with her before we met, but when push came to shove, he stayed with his wife and just used mine for sex.

One of the messages discussed a planned meeting that did not take place -- only because he got stuck at work. She e-mailed him and told him he could stop by the house any night after 10 and have sex for an hour or two because our 5-year-old son and I were sleeping in other bedrooms!

She insists that "nothing happened," which I have trouble believing. We have been seeing a therapist who believes my wife, and says that since "nothing happened" it wasn't an affair. I disagree. Am I wrong? -- FURIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FURIOUS: You now have two problems. You have a therapist who is siding with your wife, and an advice columnist who sees it your way. No, I do not think you are wrong. And unless your wife can come up with a satisfactory explanation for inviting her old lover over for sex under the same roof as her child and her husband, I'd say your marriage is O.V.E.R.

DEAR ABBY: I have one sister. Our mother is deceased. When our father passes away, he will leave a sizable estate to my sister and me, consisting of two homes and various businesses.

Because my sister lives 300 miles away, I will likely be the one taking care of Dad's affairs after his death. This will involve a great deal of time, going through both houses, some cleaning, and too many phone calls to count, etc.

Would it be fair to keep track of the time my husband and I devote to this, charge an hourly fee, and deduct it from my sister's share of our father's estate? Let's face it, fair is fair. -- DREADING WHAT'S AHEAD

DEAR DREADING: It seems fair to me. However, if your father has his faculties, this is something that should be discussed while he's still living so it can be noted in his will. If he's too ill to talk, then speak to the lawyer who drew up the will. You may be surprised to learn that what you have in mind is usual and customary. The lawyer can explain it to you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Craig," whom I have known almost a year. We have become closer than friends in a lot of ways -- except the one way that counts, if you know what I mean.

Craig likes to tease me about sex, but says it will never happen because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Do you think it's fair for him to arouse me and then just run out the door?

Craig says he doesn't want me, but when I go out on dates with other people he gets mad. How should I handle this? -- IRRITATED IN GEORGIA

DEAR IRRITATED: The key phrase in your letter is "he says he doesn't want me." Craig may enjoy teasing you (a power play), or he might be gay (unavailable for romance). In either case, the result will be frustration for you if you allow the relationship to continue as it is. I say, move on.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)