DEAR ABBY: My long-term boyfriend, "Clayton," and I recently found out that we're pregnant. Although it wasn't planned, we're both thrilled to be new parents. We're doing everything within our power to have the healthiest baby possible.

Because we're on a tight budget, Clayton's mother has volunteered to provide day-care services once our child is born and I return to work. She and I have never gotten along well, and we haven't spoken to each other in more than 18 months. She was also recently diagnosed with a terminal disease that makes it impossible for her to drive long distances, lift heavy objects, or return to her job as a legal secretary. On top of that, she's a heavy smoker, an alcoholic, and is on a whole cocktail of medications for her disease, depression, blood pressure, etc.

I don't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby with her eight hours a day, five days a week, but every time I try to tell Clayton I would prefer to pay for day-care services, he tells me I'm "stupid" for wanting to pay money when his mother is offering to baby-sit for free. How can I explain my feelings to him without being ridiculed for being an overly cautious first-time mother? -- WORRIED MOM-TO-BE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WORRIED: From where I sit, your concerns seem very much rooted in reality. What I'm having trouble understanding is why your boyfriend, whom you say is committed to doing everything in his power to assure that you have a healthy baby, would drop the ball when it comes to ensuring that he or she is well-cared-for after birth.

Leaving the baby with a woman who "hasn't spoken to you in 18 months," who is so ill she cannot work, who smokes, abuses alcohol, and is on a "whole cocktail" of medications that could be harmful if mixed with alcohol seems more like a recipe for disaster than a "freebie" to me. In fact, leaving the baby with her could be considered child endangerment. Please, for the sake of your baby, stand your ground.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "George" was widowed for a long time. He remarried a couple of years ago to "Renee," an incessant talker. Renee turns every conversation back either to herself or her daughter. It has gotten so bad that my wife and I really don't want to see them anymore.

Other people, including George, are aware of the problem. I asked him once if Renee realized how much she talked, and he replied that she's totally unaware of it. He doesn't know what to do about it, either.

Is there a way to get a message across to her that she's driving people crazy, and for the sake of the friendship, she needs to stop talking so much? Please advise. We like them and would like to remain friends. -- CLUELESS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CLUELESS: Renee may be insecure and need to feel in control. She may need to be the center of attention, or be a compulsive talker. Her problem could also be that she feels she's competing with the ghost of George's first wife, and rather than work to preserve his old friendships, she'd prefer they cultivate new ones together, with couples who never knew wife No. 1.

Of course, the person who needs to address this problem with Renee is her husband. If that doesn't improve the situation, my advice is to see George only for "man-to-man" visits over lunch.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. One of my best friends, "Emmy," has been doing something I think is very dangerous. She has been dating online with people she has never met. She told me she recently had gotten engaged. Abby, she's only 14!

Emmy doesn't have a ring because this supposed "fiance" lives in Michigan, whereas we live in Tennessee. I have tried to tell her she will get hurt, but she won't listen. She has actually gone to meet some of these people. But her parents and I go with her to make sure it isn't some pervert in his 50s.

I really don't know what to do that won't make her mad at me or cause me to lose a friend. Please help. -- WORRIED IN COTTONTOWN, TENN.

DEAR WORRIED: It appears you not only have more brains than your 14-year-old friend, but also more than her parents. Why they would tolerate, much less encourage, their daughter's online romantic liaisons boggles the mind.

If you want to be her friend, you have my blessing; she certainly needs one. However, please do not accompany her to any more of those meetings. The next person might not be a pervert in his 50s, but a couple of perverts in their 20s or 30s, and you could be putting yourself in danger.

DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and I recently attended the wedding of my granddaughter. At the reception, the usual protocol took place -- including the bride tossing her bouquet over her shoulder.

When the announcement was made, I got up from the table to join the other single women, and my daughter-in-law (not the mother of the bride) motioned to me to come to her table. She was frowning and shaking her head "no."

I went over, and she told me in a scolding tone that it was "inappropriate" for me to join the younger women because I was actually considered a widow and not "single." She also told me that catching the bouquet was intended for people who had never been married, not people like me.

Abby, I am 65, young at heart, and attractive enough that people tell me I appear to be in my early 50s. I lead an active life, and date and square dance two or three times a week. I didn't join the others, but retreated back to my table.

What is your take on this? Was she right that I wasn't eligible? I certainly feel as though I'm single. And I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. -- TEXAS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: You had as much right as any of the other spouseless females to join the bouquet toss if you wished. Putting the best possible face on it, your daughter-in-law may have been concerned that you'd be injured by the younger, ostensibly more agile, women vying for the flowers. However, if she was really concerned about what was appropriate behavior, she would have realized that by preventing you from fully enjoying the celebration, she was committing a far worse breach of etiquette than anything you might have done.

DEAR ABBY: My birthday is Sept. 11. I was wondering if you have any advice on how to respond to clerks who often remark in a negative way whenever they see my birth date on my driver's license. It can be very depressing for me, and I dread having to show it for fear of a hurtful remark. -- BELINDA IN LAWTON, OKLA.

DEAR BELINDA: Say, "I'd rather dwell on the positive," and then change the subject.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In your response to a woman whose nicotine-addicted mother insists that smoking isn't harmful, you stated, "It's common knowledge that secondhand smoke is harmful."

I'm not a smoker, but there is no scientific evidence that I can find to support your statement. Do some research, and you'll find that "common knowledge" is junk science. Be objective and you will see there is no real "evidence" behind the claim.

Cigarette smoke is irritating to me. But the secondhand smoke thing is nonsense, and you should check all of the sources before giving advice -- not just the ones that promote the anti-smoking stance. -- NONSMOKER IN FLORIDA

DEAR NONSMOKER: Where on Earth did you do your research? According to an article in the Journal of the American Medical Association titled "Passive Smoking and the Risk of Heart Disease" (1992), "Secondhand smoke causes between 35,000 and 40,000 deaths from heart disease every year." That same year, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) stated that "3,000 otherwise healthy nonsmokers will die of lung cancer annually because of their exposure to secondhand smoke." That is why the EPA classified secondhand smoke as a Group A carcinogen, a substance that is known to cause human cancer. If you doubt this, please contact the Heart Association and the American Cancer Society. They'll be glad to clarify further. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I smoked literally all of my life. My mother smoked while she was pregnant with me, both of my parents smoked in the house while I was growing up, and, not surprisingly, I began smoking at 14. However, I tried to be considerate of those around me.

I agree with your statement that the daughter is going to have to look out for her children and herself. However, I disagree with your remark that she shouldn't grieve for her mother if she dies of lung cancer. Mine died at 58 from lung cancer, and I still grieve for her. -- EX-SMOKER, MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR EX-SMOKER: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. However, what I said was, "Don't grieve because she lived her life the way she wanted." I would say the same about someone who died engaging in a dangerous sport.

DEAR ABBY: You seem to think that daughter should sacrifice her relationship with her mother over smoking. If the daughter is that strict about it, I hope the mother leaves her entire estate to the American Cancer Society and never sees her daughter or grandkids again! -- MILDRED IN SUFFOLK, VA.

DEAR MILDRED: I did NOT say the daughter should "sacrifice her relationship with her mother." I said she should entertain her mother in her own, smoke-free home.

DEAR ABBY: As a member of a family of smokers, I'm an expert about passive smoke. With one sister dead and my daughter in a wheelchair, I am now caring for another sister who is on oxygen at night and part of the day. Smoking and passive smoke were the cause of many of their health problems. I am no longer tolerant of smokers. I have posted signs of "Oxygen in use" and "No smoking on premises," and no longer allow smoking in my home. -- "MEANIE" IN MIDLAND, TEXAS

DEAR MEANIE: I hope you prevail. Another reader described how her grandmother would remove her oxygen mask to take a drag on her cigarette because she couldn't kick the habit.

DEAR ABBY: I was a smoker. My wife died of cancer not related to smoking. During her confinement and treatment I spent a lot of time at a cancer research hospital and saw, firsthand, the horror stories played out daily in those places. I quit cold turkey, and it was the best move I ever made. -- LEARNED MY LESSON IN FLORIDA

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)