DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm being petty. We do pretty much whatever and go wherever my husband, "Al," wants. When he lost four family members in two years, I was at his side night and day, being supportive in every way I could. We go only to sporting events because that's what he likes. If I mention I'd like to go to a concert, a play or a movie, Al tells me to ask my sister or a girlfriend to go with me.

Recently, two things happened that cut me to the core. First, my mother died. Al provided me no support at all. As I was packing to leave -- my parents live several hundred miles away -- he announced that he wasn't going with me. I made the long drive alone. Next was a major anniversary. Al told me he was planning a "big surprise" for me, a weekend at a hotel with dinner at a swanky restaurant -- the whole works. When we arrived, so did several of his buddies. It "just so happened" a big game was going on in the same city and they had tickets -- including one for Al. He canceled our dinner reservations and left with his friends. I spent our anniversary alone at the hotel.

Abby, I love my husband, but I no longer like him very much. He can't seem to understand that there is anything wrong, no matter how much I try to explain it to him. I'm torn between keeping my mouth shut and staying, or leaving. We're both in our 50s. I'd have a rough time, but sadly, I don't think he'd miss me. -- CRUSHED IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR CRUSHED: You have my sympathy. That you were emotionally abandoned upon the death of a parent was unconscionable. And when your husband promised a big anniversary surprise, the cruel one he delivered was certainly not the kind of "surprise" anyone would normally expect.

However, perhaps you should examine your own role in creating this "monster" to whom you are now married. Was he this way during your courtship? If so, why did you marry him? If it happened only after the wedding, why did you tolerate it so passively that he never learned a happy marriage requires compromise?

Whether you decide to stay or go, it's time you got some assertiveness training, because if you don't, this pattern will only repeat itself. Would he miss you if you left? Sometimes people don't realize they have a good thing until it's gone. But more important, would you miss him? Ask yourself, "Am I better off with him or without him?" The solution to this problem lies in the answer to that question.

DEAR ABBY: My friend -- I'll call her "Dina" -- has a difficult time getting pregnant. All the tests she had done came back normal. They can't find anything wrong with her, but she can't conceive. Dina does not want to adopt. She loves kids, but she wants one of her own.

It is very difficult to tell her to relax and take it easy. I tried telling her that, but she keeps getting frustrated all the time, and now it's affecting her sex life and her marriage. Any ideas? -- CAREFREE IN SEASIDE, CALIF

DEAR CAREFREE: Your friend's problem is more common than you may think. Telling her to "relax and take it easy" was the wrong thing to do, however well-meant. She is hurting, and every monthly cycle that goes by is a reminder. Much as you might like to, you can't make the situation "better."

My advice to you is to suggest that Dina and her husband talk with a fertility specialist, and possibly a psychotherapist, to help her deal with her pain, frustration, disappointment and anger.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN READERS: Happy Chinese New Year, as you welcome the Year of the Dog.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My long-term boyfriend, "Clayton," and I recently found out that we're pregnant. Although it wasn't planned, we're both thrilled to be new parents. We're doing everything within our power to have the healthiest baby possible.

Because we're on a tight budget, Clayton's mother has volunteered to provide day-care services once our child is born and I return to work. She and I have never gotten along well, and we haven't spoken to each other in more than 18 months. She was also recently diagnosed with a terminal disease that makes it impossible for her to drive long distances, lift heavy objects, or return to her job as a legal secretary. On top of that, she's a heavy smoker, an alcoholic, and is on a whole cocktail of medications for her disease, depression, blood pressure, etc.

I don't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby with her eight hours a day, five days a week, but every time I try to tell Clayton I would prefer to pay for day-care services, he tells me I'm "stupid" for wanting to pay money when his mother is offering to baby-sit for free. How can I explain my feelings to him without being ridiculed for being an overly cautious first-time mother? -- WORRIED MOM-TO-BE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WORRIED: From where I sit, your concerns seem very much rooted in reality. What I'm having trouble understanding is why your boyfriend, whom you say is committed to doing everything in his power to assure that you have a healthy baby, would drop the ball when it comes to ensuring that he or she is well-cared-for after birth.

Leaving the baby with a woman who "hasn't spoken to you in 18 months," who is so ill she cannot work, who smokes, abuses alcohol, and is on a "whole cocktail" of medications that could be harmful if mixed with alcohol seems more like a recipe for disaster than a "freebie" to me. In fact, leaving the baby with her could be considered child endangerment. Please, for the sake of your baby, stand your ground.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "George" was widowed for a long time. He remarried a couple of years ago to "Renee," an incessant talker. Renee turns every conversation back either to herself or her daughter. It has gotten so bad that my wife and I really don't want to see them anymore.

Other people, including George, are aware of the problem. I asked him once if Renee realized how much she talked, and he replied that she's totally unaware of it. He doesn't know what to do about it, either.

Is there a way to get a message across to her that she's driving people crazy, and for the sake of the friendship, she needs to stop talking so much? Please advise. We like them and would like to remain friends. -- CLUELESS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CLUELESS: Renee may be insecure and need to feel in control. She may need to be the center of attention, or be a compulsive talker. Her problem could also be that she feels she's competing with the ghost of George's first wife, and rather than work to preserve his old friendships, she'd prefer they cultivate new ones together, with couples who never knew wife No. 1.

Of course, the person who needs to address this problem with Renee is her husband. If that doesn't improve the situation, my advice is to see George only for "man-to-man" visits over lunch.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. One of my best friends, "Emmy," has been doing something I think is very dangerous. She has been dating online with people she has never met. She told me she recently had gotten engaged. Abby, she's only 14!

Emmy doesn't have a ring because this supposed "fiance" lives in Michigan, whereas we live in Tennessee. I have tried to tell her she will get hurt, but she won't listen. She has actually gone to meet some of these people. But her parents and I go with her to make sure it isn't some pervert in his 50s.

I really don't know what to do that won't make her mad at me or cause me to lose a friend. Please help. -- WORRIED IN COTTONTOWN, TENN.

DEAR WORRIED: It appears you not only have more brains than your 14-year-old friend, but also more than her parents. Why they would tolerate, much less encourage, their daughter's online romantic liaisons boggles the mind.

If you want to be her friend, you have my blessing; she certainly needs one. However, please do not accompany her to any more of those meetings. The next person might not be a pervert in his 50s, but a couple of perverts in their 20s or 30s, and you could be putting yourself in danger.

DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and I recently attended the wedding of my granddaughter. At the reception, the usual protocol took place -- including the bride tossing her bouquet over her shoulder.

When the announcement was made, I got up from the table to join the other single women, and my daughter-in-law (not the mother of the bride) motioned to me to come to her table. She was frowning and shaking her head "no."

I went over, and she told me in a scolding tone that it was "inappropriate" for me to join the younger women because I was actually considered a widow and not "single." She also told me that catching the bouquet was intended for people who had never been married, not people like me.

Abby, I am 65, young at heart, and attractive enough that people tell me I appear to be in my early 50s. I lead an active life, and date and square dance two or three times a week. I didn't join the others, but retreated back to my table.

What is your take on this? Was she right that I wasn't eligible? I certainly feel as though I'm single. And I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. -- TEXAS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: You had as much right as any of the other spouseless females to join the bouquet toss if you wished. Putting the best possible face on it, your daughter-in-law may have been concerned that you'd be injured by the younger, ostensibly more agile, women vying for the flowers. However, if she was really concerned about what was appropriate behavior, she would have realized that by preventing you from fully enjoying the celebration, she was committing a far worse breach of etiquette than anything you might have done.

DEAR ABBY: My birthday is Sept. 11. I was wondering if you have any advice on how to respond to clerks who often remark in a negative way whenever they see my birth date on my driver's license. It can be very depressing for me, and I dread having to show it for fear of a hurtful remark. -- BELINDA IN LAWTON, OKLA.

DEAR BELINDA: Say, "I'd rather dwell on the positive," and then change the subject.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)