DEAR ABBY: When I was 7, I spent the night at the home of a friend and was molested by her father. It happened again when I was older. That time it was a cousin who spent the night with us. I never told my mother. I was afraid she would blame me. My father never spent time with me -- I am one of several children -- so it didn't occur to me to tell him.

I have lived with this all my life. I have suffered from low self-esteem and had relationship problems since childhood. Few days have gone by that I haven't thought about it and felt deep personal guilt. I never told anyone what happened until after my mother died, when I finally confessed it to a psychiatrist.

Now I would like to tell my older brother. Should I? Or would it be more difficult for me if my family knew? -- SAD, SCARED AND CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR SAD: Not knowing your family, I can't predict how they'll react. However, this I do know: You were victimized twice as a child. You have done nothing for which to feel guilty. THE VICTIM IS NEVER AT FAULT.

Because you still have difficulty accepting this, it appears your sessions with the psychiatrist were not as helpful as they should have been. Please pick up the phone and call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.). The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Counselors there will guide you to specialized services that can help you. Their entire focus is on helping victims of sexual assault, and the fact that your assault happened long ago should not be a deterrent.

After you have been counseled, and accept that you were never at fault for what happened, it will be safe to tell your brother because, at that point, his reaction will not be all-important to you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a birthday dinner celebration for my father at my brother and his girlfriend's home. While the girlfriend, "Cheryl," was eating, she speared a bite of her food with her fork and then held it down to the floor for the dog to eat. Then she put another bite of food onto her fork and ate it. This continued throughout the dinner, with Cheryl and the dog alternating bites off the same fork.

When she was finished eating, she placed her dinner plate on the floor for the dog to finish eating. It was revolting. Dad and I just sat there, stunned, and stopped eating, not knowing how sanitary the plates and dinnerware were. How would you have handled this? -- HORRIFIED IN HOUSTON

DEAR HORRIFIED: I would have handled it as you did, having lost my appetite, too. However, if your brother and his girlfriend have a dishwasher with an extra-hot and sanitizing cycle, the plates were probably "safe" to eat from. (Yech!)

DEAR ABBY: I recently purchased a "mother's ring" for my mother and am having all of my siblings' stones added to it. However, last Thanksgiving, my brother, the baby of the family, passed away unexpectedly.

Should I still add his birthstone to the ring, or just the survivors'? Your thoughts, please. -- TORN IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TORN: By all means, add your brother's birthstone to the ring. To do otherwise would imply that he never existed. Please believe me when I say that when your mother looks at the ring, your brother's stone will remind her of the precious time she had with him. What would make her sad would be knowing that one stone was missing.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted a beautiful baby girl in an open adoption 14 years ago. "Sara's" birth mother, "Chris," was trapped in an abusive relationship. We promised to exchange letters and pictures when Sara was able to communicate, and have done so since Sara turned 10. Sara and her birth mother talk on the phone four times a year.

Although the "open" agreement is not legally binding, we have kept our word. However, over the past year we have become concerned about the effect this is having on our daughter. Sara is sad and moody after contacts with Chris. Chris also sends poetry about the adoption, which upsets Sara. It's pretty heavy stuff for a 14-year-old.

Chris has rebuilt her life, obtained higher education, married and has two toddlers. Despite this, it seems she's still mourning the loss of her firstborn. We understand this, but feel it's unfair to unload this burden on Sara. Sara cried when she saw photos of Chris' two small sons.

Should we limit or sever the contact? -- NO NAMES PLEASE IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR NO NAMES: From my perspective, the letters, photographs and the quarterly phone calls are excessive. And for the birth mother to send "heavy" poetry in an effort to offload her guilt and pain at placing her child for adoption is selfish. Because the contact with her birth mother is depressing your daughter instead of being uplifting, it's time to ask Sara what she thinks -- and take your cue from her.

DEAR ABBY: After 20 years of marriage to an abusive man, I finally divorced him.

One night I was feeling depressed, so I contacted "Garrett," an old high school sweetheart. We ended up really clicking. Garrett has been married twice. Both his ex-wives were unfaithful and treated him shamefully, so he's afraid of marrying again.

Garrett says he loves me and we plan on moving in together. The problem is his mother, who is very religious. She will have a hard time accepting our arrangement. I asked him if he wanted me to talk to her, and he said yes. How do I make her understand? I love Garrett very much and know in my heart we were meant to be together. I feel God brought him back into my life.

I am 42 and Garrett is 43, so it's not like we're kids. I respect his mother very much and know her son wants her acceptance. Any advice you could offer would be appreciated. -- DESPERATE TO BE HAPPY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DESPERATE: Say to Garrett's mother: "I love your son and feel in my heart that we were meant to be together. I want and need to be with him. He has struck out twice at marriage and is afraid to try again -- and at least for now, I'm prepared to accept this. I like and respect you very much. We plan to live together, and if you would like to be part of our lives, we would like that, too." Then shut your mouth and hear what the woman has to say. She may pleasantly surprise you.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it is inappropriate to leave a family gathering if another family member brings a child -- or himself -- to the gathering with a highly contagious sickness? This is causing a rift between me and my husband's family. -- DEBBIE IN HAMILTON, OHIO

DEAR DEBBIE: Let me answer you in this way: For someone with a contagious illness to put others at risk of catching it is selfish and inconsiderate. You have every right to protect yourself by leaving the gathering. In fact, I recommend it.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. I have known the man of my dreams, "Gabe," for 14 years. We have been in a serious committed relationship for more than two of them. Gabe has said he wants to marry me, and even went so far as to look at engagement rings and ask my input as to what my dream wedding would be like.

We found a location, the ring, and even set a date. But now Gabe says he doesn't need a license to make him feel like he is married to me. I'm ready to leave because I want to be a wife and have children. Should I wait for something that may never happen, or follow my instincts and make a new life for myself with a man who wants the same things out of life that I do? -- TIRED OF WAITING IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: You have asked exactly the right question, but you're asking the wrong person. Ask Gabe why he has suddenly gone from finding a location, a ring, and setting a wedding date to dragging his feet.

The difference between being married and "feeling" married is night and day. If you want the guarantees that a marriage license brings, you may have to listen to your intuition and find another man.

DEAR ABBY: This may be an unusual question for your column, but as tattoos have become more mainstream, what is the proper procedure for tipping the tattoo artist? Would it be different than a hairdresser, as many tattoos run into the hundreds -- and sometimes thousands -- of dollars?

I'll be starting a back piece soon, and I think $125 an hour is plenty when it will take 20 hours to complete. -- DOESN'T WANT TO GET "STUCK" IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOESN'T: I Googled "tipping for tattoos." The Web site I went to stated that "between 10 and 20 percent" is an appropriate gratuity.

However, according to the several tattoo parlors I checked with, tips for tattoo artists are not necessarily calculated by a percentage of the cost. Tipping for a work of art -- and that is what a tattoo is considered to be -- reflects the customer's satisfaction with the result, the time required to apply it and the intricacy of the design. (To me, this implies that the amount could be larger than stated on the Web site.) Sometimes, rather than money, gifts are given to the artist, such as art books, spiritual artifacts, jewelry, etc.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmer," and I care for his elderly mother and we rarely have time alone together. Ever since our mutual friend, "Stan," started working with Elmer, he has been at our house every weekend.

Last weekend, Elmer and I had planned a date -- just dinner and a movie -- but it was time we had planned to spend together. Stan decided that he wanted to spend the weekend with us, and he didn't like the movie we had chosen or the restaurant we had selected for dinner. He's the kind of person who, if you criticize him at all, will react in the most insulting way possible.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to come between Elmer and his best friend. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR "CROWDED": You may not want to, but unless you and your husband assert yourselves, that's what his friend may do to you. It's not a criticism to inform Stan that you and Elmer have previous plans -- and frankly, the person to do it is your husband. Stan will take the news better if he hears it from Elmer anyway.

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