DEAR ABBY: I'm confused about my husband's behavior. He is very smart and works as a computer programmer. Whenever I have a problem with my computer and ask him to help me with it, he gets mad and rants and raves about how he "told me how to fix the problem months ago," or insists that I really should "know" how to fix it or figure it out myself.

After years of feeling like a twit any time I asked for his help on computer-related problems, I started taking my computer to be professionally repaired or upgraded any time there was a problem. Then he started complaining to me for having it worked on when he could do the work himself!

I don't know what to do. If I ask for help, he gets mad and belittles me for not knowing how to fix it myself, but I get the same treatment if I have it done by someone else. Is there a way out of this no-win situation? -- DARNED IF I DO, DARNED IF I DON'T, SANFORD, FLA.

DEAR DARNED: By now it should be clear to you that your problem has nothing to do with computers. Your computer-whiz of a husband takes out his frustrations by verbally abusing you. The way out of this no-win situation is to get to the bottom of what's REALLY "bugging" him. My advice is to drag him to a marriage counselor or drop him before you're beaten down altogether.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old boy and I'm having a girl problem. I'm in middle school, and there's a girl in my class, "Tara," who likes me. I like Tara as a friend. She has asked me out a few times and I have said, "No, I can't date until I'm 16."

In the meantime, I like a girl named "Amber" who goes to the same school. We're not really friends, but we have talked to each other. I have been told by my neighbor, who is on the same softball team as Amber, that she likes me. I'd like to ask Amber out when I can, but I don't want to hurt Tara's feelings. What do I do? -- TORN IN ALBANY, CALIF.

DEAR TORN: I respect the fact that you are a sensitive young man with a conscience. This predicament should have taught you that even a small lie can assume gigantic proportions and eventually bite you in the fanny. If you intend to ask Amber out any time soon, you should first have a chat with Tara and explain that you weren't entirely truthful with her regarding your parents' restriction on dating. Tell her that you like her as a friend -- and hope you will always be friends -- but you would not be comfortable dating her -- at least not right now. (Which leaves the door open for you to date her in the future, if you ever change your mind.)

DEAR ABBY: When someone gives a wedding or Christmas gift of wine or uncooked meat, are you supposed to have the giver over for dinner when you serve it? Please note that they were not intended to be served or cooked at the time the gift was given.

My husband and I are unsure about what to do, but we lean in opposite directions on what is proper. -- "CASSIE" IN PITTSFIELD, MASS.

DEAR "CASSIE": When a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she chooses. No rule of etiquette obligates you to share it with the giver.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I think you were a bit harsh regarding the mother-in-law of "Forgotten in Idaho." You called her "flawed and self-centered" because she has refused to visit her son and his family during the last five years. (Apparently she went once, while her husband was still living.)

I'm 73, and can't travel comfortably for a number of physical reasons I don't care to share with my children. I also have a full life with my friends, volunteer work, plus e-mails and phone contact with all of my four children, six grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

Being with a large group -- even family -- for more than a few hours, especially after a tiring trip, takes a physical toll on me. I never seem able to take my medicines on time.

I don't feel I'm selfish, nor do my children, if I don't choose to visit them at their homes. They visit me when they can, and we always have a good time. I accept them and their chosen lifestyles; they accept my preferences without my having to give them a detailed explanation.

You were wrong to call the woman "self-centered and flawed." Perhaps it's the son and daughter-in-law who are selfish and self-centered to expect his mother to conform to their wishes. I'll bet you get quite a few women challenging your answer. -- LEE B. IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR LEE: You're right. I got blasted. Not only have I been flogged with wet noodles, I'm drenched in marinara sauce. Here's a "taste":

DEAR ABBY: Flawed? "Flawed" because she doesn't care to make trips to Idaho? That lady has a life of her own, for crying out loud. Let her live it! If she's like most women our age, it's the first time in her life she comes first instead of the kids. Apparently she's active and healthy. She certainly isn't "flawed," as you assert.

I'm just short of 75, and let me tell you, about 2 1/2 hours with the little ones and I'm ready to go home. I am not alone in that feeling, and none of us consider ourselves "flawed." Bad choice of words, my dear. -- ANN F., JOLIET, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: You owe that senior an apology for the harsh criticism when she did nothing wrong. Many single women her age are demanding of their children. They should be proud and happy she is doing well and enjoying what could be the last 10 years of her life. Grandmotherly feelings come in our 40s and 50s. By our 70s, we have great-grandchildren and, trust me, enjoying them from afar is sufficient. Nature meant those final years to finally bring some enjoyment in life from OUR choice of recreation -- not our children's. If not now, when? -- ANOTHER INDEPENDENT SENIOR (75) WHO WILL ALSO NEVER FLY

DEAR ABBY: I can relate to that mother-in-law because we have a similar problem. The "real" reason we don't visit our four grandchildren often is because they are undisciplined and have never been taught the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It's stressful and exhausting to be around them. Please remind parents that relatives do not want to be around undisciplined and poorly behaved children. -- ATLANTA GRANDPARENTS

DEAR ABBY: The mother-in-law is 72. As people age, they tend to be uncomfortable leaving their homes and routines. That's one reason why retirement communities and care facilities have structured activities and schedules. It gives the aging comfort to know what's coming.

So cut that mother-in-law some slack. And tell "Idaho" she has two choices: Take it or leave it. -- HEIKE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your recent letters regarding domestic violence bring important attention to the dangers of this problem. Unfortunately, every year thousands of Americans lose loved ones to this terrible epidemic, and most are left wondering what they could have done to prevent it.

Too often we assume that violence happens only to other people -- people of a different race or culture, people who live in a different community, or people in a different type of relationship. But domestic violence does not discriminate. It can touch everyone -- through friends, co-workers and family members who are suffering silently without our even knowing it. Many of us also know abusers -- people who may seem charming and likable on the surface but cause fear, self-doubt, pain, even death, to those they claim to love.

Recent studies show that as many as one-third of teens experience abuse in a dating relationship. And, more than half of teens say they know friends who have been physically, sexually or verbally abused. The need for early intervention to change these shocking statistics is clear.

We must reach out to youth and talk openly and often about these issues so we can help them to avoid the terrible sorrow felt by families and others who are victims of abuse. Each of us has the right to a safe and healthy relationship free from violence, coercion and fear. -- JESSICA ARONOFF, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, BREAK THE CYCLE

DEAR JESSICA: Thank you for an important letter. I hope it grabs the attention it deserves from teens and their parents. Your statement that as many as one-third of teenagers experience abuse in a dating relationship, and more than half of them have friends who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused, will shock many people, I am sure.

Readers, Break the Cycle provides domestic violence education, information and help to students ages 12 to 24 throughout the country. It teaches what healthy relationships are and helps them to recognize the warning signs of abuse. Break the Cycle lets them know that help is available if they are suffering or in danger, and shows them that they deserve safe, supportive, non-violent relationships.

There are opportunities for interested people to help in this endeavor. To find out more about this worthwhile program, log onto www.breakthecycle.org, or call toll-free at 1-888-988-8336 (TEEN). I have supported Break the Cycle in the past, and continue to do so, because the earlier young people learn to differentiate between healthy relationships and obsessive, destructive ones, the healthier our society will be.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don't find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian.

Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? -- CONFUSED IN NEVADA

DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it's presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)