DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Hurt and Sad in Trenton," whose wife slept with a married man before they were married, stunk.

"Hurt's" wife should have said right from the start: "This is who I am; this is where I've been. Take me as I am or let's go our separate ways." If she'd been honest, he'd have no cause to complain.

Reflecting back on years spent in ignorance turns happy marriages bitter, as one realizes one was played for a fool. Suddenly the "innocent" nights out of old assume an ominous character. Is it not better to risk a relationship at the beginning by telling the truth, than to risk its implosion years later when the truth will come out?

"Hurt" deserved sympathy, not an attack. His wife betrayed his trust, not with sex before she met him, but with lies afterward. -- NORTH OF TRENTON

DEAR NORTH OF TRENTON: I did not "attack" the writer of that letter. I advised him to stop the name-calling and get religious and psychological counseling -- although I may have made a few other points along the way. Perhaps you would like to sample the reactions of other male readers to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The man who wrote that letter is an idiot. You were right to tell him his wife deserves better. His lofty ideals seem to take precedence over all else, and his comments do not portend a bright future for them.

To paraphrase your words: The place for a good wife (or husband) is neither on a pedestal nor in the gutter. It's on a comfy sofa, each with an arm around the other -- cuddling and secure in the knowledge of the love they share. -- GARY IN WORCESTER, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I, too, have been married 15 years. We also have two children. I, too, recently learned about my wife having an affair with a married man, but it happened during the last year or so. I never strayed -- not once. She betrayed my love for her, and I'm a train wreck. "Hurt and Sad" should walk in my shoes. He was by no means betrayed by something that happened before he knew his wife. Unlike mine, his wife has honored her marriage vows.

The problem in their marriage is his Middle Ages attitude that regards women as chattel. His wife is not a used car. He needs a therapist, badly, and I happen to know a good one who is helping me through the toughest time of my life. Oh, and since I live only one town away from him, tell "Hurt and Sad" that if he's tossing his "slut" into the "gutter," let me know where and when. I'd be more than happy to embrace his "dirty laundry." She sounds like just the person I'm searching for to restore my trust. -- DEVASTATED IN PRINCETON, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: It seems to me that "Hurt and Sad" is looking for a way out, a justifiable excuse to prove to his Catholic family and friends that divorce was "unavoidable." He says he'll stay for the children, but peppers her with accusations. Maybe he's hoping she'll be verbally abused into filing for divorce so he will be off the hook.

He needs to stop hiding behind the church and start following all of the Catholic faith, not just those beliefs he agrees with. Her sins are only to be resolved between her and her God. She does not need her husband's "almighty" grace. If he's as perfect as he insinuates, I'll be the first to nominate him for sainthood. -- VIC IN DALLAS

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I think my grandson lives next door to me, but I'm not sure. I can't sleep at night wondering and worrying.

About two years ago, my neighbor kept inviting my then-18-year-old son over to help her do odd jobs while her husband was at work. He seemed happy to help out, and she always gave him some money for the jobs. A few months later, she and her husband announced they were expecting.

I work with this man's ex-wife, and she confided to me once that she never had children because he couldn't give her any. To me, this could mean that the husband knows he's not the father, or maybe that they used my son as an unintentional sperm donor. The little boy looks a lot like my son did at that age. Should I confront him about the affair and possible parenthood? He may be unaware that he fathered the child. -- SUSPICIOUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I don't know if "confronting" your son on the subject would be warmly received, but you are certainly entitled to discuss your concerns with your son and find out if they are well-founded. Whatever happens -- or doesn't happen -- after that is up to your son.

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old daughter was invited to a classmate's birthday party today. When I asked for the details of the party, she told me it was a slumber party. Here's the kicker: The classmate in question is a boy!

As my shock dissipates, I'm suddenly reminded that the times sure are a-changin', and that even younger parents like me need to brace themselves. (I am 32.) I don't consider myself oblivious, but boy, do I suddenly feel that way. I don't feel it is at all appropriate for my child, but I'm interested in what you and your readers have to say about this. -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: The times may be a-changin', but they ain't a-changin' THAT much. It's the duty of a conscientious parent to do what is right for his or her child, even if it isn't a popular decision. By that, I mean that every family has different standards, and it's up to the parents to enforce them. The excuse, "But everyone else is doing it," does not mean that your child must. Remember that when the pressure is on, and it seems the whole world is going crazy. It'll keep you balanced.

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional man in my early 40s. When I was in my late teens, I started losing my hair. By the time I was 22, I was almost completely bald.

Someone suggested that I get a wig, so I did. I have been wearing it for years. Now, however, I'm uncomfortable with the wig. I think it's obvious that it's not my own hair, and I'm self-conscious about it.

I'd like to stop wearing the wig, but I wonder what my co-workers will think. Also, my mother tells me that my head is shaped a little "funny." But I feel like a fraud when I'm wearing the darn thing. What do you suggest? -- BALD IN BALTIMORE

DEAR BALD: If ever there was a time when bald was "in," it is now. And that's to your advantage. My advice to you is to have a "coming out party," invite your friends and co-workers, and attend the way God made you. I'm betting the only reaction you'll get is the comment, "What took you so long?"

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My young son and his wife split up nine months ago. "Paige" had a troubled past and unfortunate parenting. We took her in while they were dating -- Paige had just turned 18 -- and my husband and I finished parenting her.

Abby, Paige cheated on our son, began drinking and using drugs, and broke up another man's family. There were three children involved, and it was ugly. Our son was willing to go to marriage counseling -- Paige refused. Since then, she has lost a good job and begun stripping, leaving our son deeply in debt because of her spending.

My son has begun rebuilding his life. He got a couple of roommates so he could hold onto his little home, and I know he is better off without her. I, however, am having a hard time. I loved -- and love -- Paige like she was my own child. I miss her spirit and her goodness, which was misplaced because of the drugs and alcohol. My son wants absolutely nothing more to do with her, but what do I do about MY pain? She called us last month, and my husband just about hung up on her. I don't want to disrespect my son's wishes, but I'm torn. Is this normal? -- FUTURE EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE EX-M.I.L.: Considering that you welcomed Paige into your home and she became like a daughter to you, I'd say your feelings are normal. You are grieving for the child you "lost" and for the relationship that "might" have been.

Because your son has decided to go on with his life without this troubled young woman, my advice to you is to let him do that. You can't "save" your former daughter-in-law; only she can do that. In the meantime, get counseling if you need to, to help you through this difficult period. The pain will pass with time. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: At several parties I have attended recently, other guests have felt it appropriate to bring their dogs with them. Occasionally they compare their dog with their child, saying that other people brought their "kids," so they did too. However, if someone's human child sniffed the crotches of, jumped up on, licked and shed on or wiped dirt on the clothing of other guests, they would obviously be unwelcome at the party.

I'm not alone in feeling this way -- often the hosts do, too. Whenever anyone has hinted at not being a dog lover, they have been instantly labeled an "animal hater," a crime likened by many to be equal to animal abuse.

I have seen this occur throughout the United States and in American communities abroad, in a wide variety of social circles and classes, so I'm writing to you in hopes that you will spread the word. When attending a party at a dog-free home, the other guests expect -- and deserve, in my humble opinion -- the party to be dog-free as well. -- MR. "C" AT A MILITARY BASE IN ITALY

DEAR MR. C: It is my "humble opinion" that no one should bring an animal to anyone's home unless permission has first been sought from, and granted by, the hosts. And an excellent way to keep from being jumped on, licked and "sniffed" by an animal is to sprinkle a dash of cayenne pepper on one's clothing.

For the record, I am an animal lover -- but it's far easier to love an animal that has been taught good manners than one that hasn't. (And the same goes for children.)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)