DEAR ABBY: "Andrew" and I have been dating for about five years. We met just out of high school, when we were both young and still finding ourselves. But I have noticed that over the years, as we have grown and established our identities, we have become complete opposites.

First, our religious beliefs: Andrew and I were both raised Catholic. He hasn't practiced in years. When we met, I was going through a stage where I wasn't really practicing my religion either. But as I continued through college, I realized I needed religion back in my life and began going to church. I am now active in the church, and my religious and spiritual beliefs are important to me. Andrew, on the other hand, has no desire to go back and even says he has become an atheist.

Then there's our families: Andrew's family is very free-spirited. Not only are they opinionated and outspoken, they curse and talk about everything and anything. In contrast, my family is very reserved, well-mannered and gentle. We even pray before meals. Needless to say, our families do not mesh well and have had little contact.

I like chocolate; Andrew likes vanilla. I like merry-go-rounds; he likes roller-coasters. I like winter; he likes summer. I'm a worrier; he's carefree. I'm early; he's late. You name it -- we're opposites. It may have made for an exciting relationship when we were younger, but now that we're talking marriage and children, I don't see how this will work. Our core values are too different. I really do care for Andrew, and we have fun together, but is there any hope for the future? -- POLAR OPPOSITES, CHADDS FORD, PA.

DEAR POLAR OPPOSITES: Not with the negative mind-set you have displayed in your letter. Not once did you indicate that you are willing to fight for a future with this man. Unless you can figure out what you still have in common, I see little hope for a future with Andrew. The last thing either of you needs is to march down the aisle to the strains of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off."

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end with my husband, and I don't know what to do. It seems like lately he is finding fault with my kids over stupid stuff -- especially my soon-to-be 13-year-old son.

Mind you, my husband is not abusive -- but lately, every time my son forgets to do something, he threatens that he is going to kill him, yells that he's no longer my son's father until he straightens up, and on one occasion, he slammed my son into a wall.

I'm scared to death. I don't want my kids hurt (I have a 9-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter as well), and I love my husband dearly, but I can't take this much longer. He has never acted this way before. So what could be the problem? -- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND: Your husband may be depressed, using drugs, stressed out at work or mentally ill. I don't blame you for being seriously concerned, because whatever the cause, he is losing control. You say he "isn't abusive," and yet the incidents you have described concerning your 13-year-old are examples of verbal and physical abuse.

The best advice I can offer you is to get your husband to a doctor for a thorough examination -- and a referral to a psychotherapist for evaluation. Because his change in behavior is recent, he could be in trouble.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night I saw my brother-in-law hit my 1-year-old niece. It was horrible. I confronted him, and he and my sister are going to get counseling. He says he "made a mistake," but that he also believes it is "OK to swat a child."

I am so upset. I used to think the world of my brother-in-law, but now he seems like an ignorant bully to me. I am hoping he will learn better parenting, and that everything will turn out all right. I'm around a lot, and the children are seldom alone with him. What can I do while I wait to see if counseling is effective? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: You can suggest that your sister and brother-in-law could also benefit from taking a parenting class and reading some books on child development. Sometimes adults hit children because they have unrealistic expectations about what they "should" be able to do at a certain age. They also do it because they lose their patience.

One-year-olds do not always have the ability to control their emotions and behavior. It is up to the parents to set an example -- to model good behavior -- and hitting sets a poor one. Parenting classes offer valuable insights and suggestions to new parents. To find one, check with a pediatrician, your local high school or community college, or your health plan.

DEAR ABBY: "Book Lover in Pennsylvania" described the frustration of loaning books to friends and never getting them back.

I, too, am a book lover. Some of my books are old friends that have remained on my shelves for years. Periodically, I take them down and reread them. As I have matured, I understand things the author was saying that I did not upon the first reading.

Because many of these books are out of print and irreplaceable, I have designed a bookmark that I print myself on card stock. At the top, I list the title, author, loan date, who I loaned the book to, and the person's phone number.

When I lend a book to someone, I cut off the top portion of the bookmark and fill it out in the presence of the borrower. I keep the top portion taped to my desk calendar, and when a reasonable amount of time has elapsed, if the book has not been returned, I'll telephone. Or, I'll stop by the person's home, ring the doorbell and say politely, "Hi, I've come to collect the book you borrowed." So far, it has worked for me.

If you print my letter, please keep me anonymous. Sign me ... P.L.S. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR P.L.S.: That's a clever solution to a touchy problem. Thank you for sharing it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We're happy together, but if I bring up the subject of marriage, he reminds me that he's from India and told me from the beginning that we couldn't marry. We have tried to separate, but couldn't even make it a month apart. We love each other more than we ever thought we could.

Do you think he is just scared of commitment, or doesn't he want to marry me? I love him, but I'm tired of waiting, and I don't want to be someone's lifetime girlfriend. -- LOVESICK DOWN SOUTH

DEAR LOVESICK: Give your boyfriend credit for honesty. He hasn't misled you. He may come from a conservative, traditional Indian family that expects to arrange a "suitable" marriage for him to a woman from his own culture.

After seven years, you can't be blamed for wanting a commitment, so it's time to bite the bullet, lay your cards on the table and end the romance if you must.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: A Happy Passover, one and all!

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letters you printed directing parents not to use "baby talk" with their infants. Some of the writers suggested that research shows that "baby talk" is harmful to a child's language development -- and that is patently false. I am a developmental psychologist and teach about the concept of baby talk as infant-directed speech, so let me clear up what seems to be a misunderstanding.

What research actually shows is that infant-directed speech (which is high-pitched, sing-song, repetitive and drawn out) is the type of speech that infants in their first year of life not only hear better but also the language to which they are most responsive. In the first year, speaking to infants in a way that gets a response is far more important than using "proper" adult grammar and words. It's not so much what parents say as that they say anything at all. So please, encourage parents to use "baby talk" with their infants all they wish in the first year.

Using "baby talk" beyond one year is probably not the best idea, but it's less worrisome than some of your letter writers seem to think. -- DR. SAUNDRA K. CICCARELLI, PANAMA CITY, FLA.

DEAR DR. CICCARELLI: Thank you for the professional input, but from the mail I have received since that column ran, I must say that "Abby-wabby" now knows there's no consensus on this subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of three gifted children and a speech/language pathologist, my advice is to stop the baby talk immediately! My children were spoken to in complete sentences and with normal intonation from the time they were born. My son spoke in complete sentences at 10 months. He was a spontaneous reader at 2, and began college at the ripe old age of 14. My 18-year-old daughter is a junior in college. Talking "baby talk" to children can retard their language development. -- DEBRA G., BEAUMONT, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As a language teacher, I know the natural importance of baby talk. All languages have a form of "baby talk," and it all serves the same purpose: to help a child form its language patterns. Just because some parents foolishly continue the use of baby talk long after its required time is no reason to "throw out the baby talk with the bathwater!" And language such as "Me talk pretty" and "Me go home" are NOT examples of baby talk. They are just poor uses of English grammar. -- ROBERT RAYMOND, MISSISSIPPI STATE UNIVERSITY

DEAR ABBY: I am a speech/language pathologist and believe that baby talk should never, ever be considered. If you choose to "baby talk," you place your child at risk academically and socially. The ramifications are tremendous and long-lasting. I recommend modeling and using verbally descriptive and inquisitive language that is age-appropriate. Your child will reap the benefits. -- CONCERNED IN THE CENTRAL COAST

DEAR ABBY: Many young parents now teach their babies sign language, starting as newborns, helping them communicate before they learn the spoken word. By about 9 months, the child gets the concept and soon learns how to "sign" words such as "more," "help," "milk," "sorry" and "thank you." The child is happier because his/her needs are communicated without frustration.

Both of my grandsons have learned to sign, and recently I was tickling my 14-month-old grandson, trying to get him to smile. He looked at his mother and signed "help" and "all through"! Pretty clever putting two thoughts together to tell his mom to get Grammy to back off, huh? -- PROUD GRAMMY IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR PROUD GRAMMY: I'm sure he had a few other thoughts to offer, but fortunately he didn't have the vocabulary!

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