DEAR ABBY: I want to respond to the letter from "Being Watched in Birmingham," whose ex-husband is stalking her. She wrote she was afraid that calling the police would just make it worse. I had the same problem.

My ex was a retired policeman and long-haul truck driver. I was afraid the police from our town would ignore me because of the "code of blue," and my kids and I would be on our own. But the police helped us out and protected us.

I had to get a restraining order to keep him from the house. He had told one of my daughters that he was going to drive through our house with his tractor-trailer and hurt me. When my daughter told the judge what he had said, it helped me to get my restraining order. It was hard; we were upset and more terrified than anyone will ever know. But our lives are now peaceful.

"Being Watched" needs to stand up for herself and her child. She CAN get help. She also needs to get herself into counseling. (I went to domestic abuse counseling.) She must reach out now, before it's too late.

I made sure all four of us got counseling. She doesn't have to miss out on life because he could be watching. Please, Abby, tell her to look forward and not back -- if not for herself, then for her daughter. That girl should not have to live out her mother's fears. They could affect the rest of her life. -- HAPPY AT LAST IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HAPPY AT LAST: Thank you for sharing your personal experience and how you dealt with your ex-husband's stalking and intimidation. I also heard from a former member of law enforcement. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for "Being Watched." I investigated stalking cases when I was a detective for the local police department. I also studied the behaviors of these offenders. "Being Watched" should not answer his calls no matter how many times he calls or threatens. If she does, she's giving him what he wants: a response. Even a negative response is what these people need and crave.

She should screen her calls and use an answering machine. She should also obtain an injunction prohibiting harassment from the court. (They are called different names by other jurisdictions.) It can be served on him by an officer of the court.

She should keep detailed documentation of what he is doing -- calls, following her, damage. Dates and times are very important to building a criminal case. Also, keep any cards, letters, notes, gifts, etc., that he leaves, and turn them in to the police. They will need them as evidence.

The daughter should be instructed to be aware of her surroundings and report any unusual activities to her mother or the police if it's an emergency. The school should be notified about what is happening, especially if a court order is obtained to keep him away from her.

By no means should the writer make herself a prisoner in her own home. If she does, he's succeeding in getting what he wants -- control over her. She should be aware of her surroundings, install good locks on her house, garage her vehicle if possible, and take security precautions at home or at work. Her ex is committing crimes and will stop only if she takes the first step to end his controlling, manipulative behavior. It may be scary for her, but a good support system of family, friends, police and a psychotherapist can help her through this terrifying time. The man needs to be stopped -- now! -- FORMER POLICE DETECTIVE IN ARIZONA

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a nice guy for two years. We started out as good friends and the relationship progressed from there. He's truly all that you could ask for. My dilemma is, he doesn't know how to read and write.

This is a very sensitive subject for him. He is 33 years old and works as a custodian for the school district. He earns a fraction over minimum wage and is making child support payments.

I have been very patient with him, but any time I raise the subject of his going back to school, we end up arguing. Now he has decided to take a part-time job in the evenings -- so there will definitely be no time for school. What am I to do? He thinks my pushing him to learn to read and write is about the money. It's not! He keeps saying he's leaving his reading and writing "in God's hands." How can I help him? -- WITS' END IN MIAMI

DEAR WITS' END: Your boyfriend's unwillingness to reach out for help may stem from embarrassment. Please explain to him that there are programs especially for people like him, and that they are easy to access. All you have to do is call your county library and tell the librarian you are looking for a referral to a literacy coalition so your friend can learn to read. Your friend will be treated with dignity, I promise.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to thank you for more than 10 years of a happy marriage. Let me explain:

I am an active-duty soldier with only 14 months left to retire after almost 20 years of service, including two tours in Iraq. In October 1995, I was deployed to Kuwait and I received three letters from Operation Dear Abby. One of them was from a beautiful lady from California. On Feb. 17, 1996, I met the young lady and married her.

Now, more than 10 years later, I am the proud father of three wonderful children.

I'm writing today to thank you for continuing the program with OperationDearAbby.net. This was the first holiday season in two years that I was home with my family, and I want to thank you for sending me my angel. -- STAFF SGT. ROB G., FORT LEWIS, WASH.

DEAR STAFF SGT. G.: Thank you for an upper of a letter. I'm pleased to know that Operation Dear Abby brought you not only a pen pal, but also a wife, children and happiness. You deserve them all.

Readers, why wait for a holiday? How about spreading some joy by logging on to OperationDearAbby.net and letting our young men and women stationed around the world in the military know that they're in our hearts today, tomorrow and every day. They'll love hearing from you -- and you'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: My boss's mother passed away recently and the funeral is this weekend. I had spoken to "Mrs. White" on several occasions and met her twice. My question is, should I attend the visitation, as it is my boss's mother who passed away? I don't want to commit "career suicide" by not attending -- but on the other hand, I don't think I'd feel comfortable being there. -- MISSISSIPPI MAIDEN

DEAR MAIDEN: Funerals are for the living. You attend not only as a gesture of respect for the deceased, but by your presence, to offer comfort to the living. To attend would be a kindness, and I'm sure it would be appreciated -- so go.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Bride-to-Be" asked if it was common or proper to wear her wedding gown to the airport or on a plane. You advised her that it was impractical, but there's no law against it. By that, I assume your intention was to say that no rule of etiquette specifically forbids it, rather than a criminal statute.

One of the most basic rules of etiquette is that people dress appropriately for their environment. What reason could a person possibly have for wanting to do such a thing except that she is hoping to coerce every casual stranger who crosses her path into having to offer congratulations and ask the obvious questions so that she can extend her fantasy that the entire world revolves around her wedding? To me, this sounds not only improper but self-absorbed. -- JESSICA IN HOUSTON

DEAR JESSICA: Most of my readers who chose to comment on that letter agreed I was right to discourage the bride-to-be. But not all of them did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I was married, I kept my gown on, even though we were going to Disneyland after the ceremony. It created some of the most memorable moments of the day. Little girls and tourists wanted pictures of my new husband and me, and I got to wear the most expensive and beautiful dress I will ever own for a full day. Carpe diem! Have no regrets. It's her day; let her do what makes her happy. -- JANELLE IN VALENCIA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to share what occurred while I was part of the crew on a flight from LAX to Miami. We were all delighted when a young bride and groom in full wedding regalia boarded our aircraft. Unfortunately, we lost an engine on takeoff and had to return to LAX, where the passengers and crew waited three hours before another plane was available. By the time we took off again, the bride and groom were more than ready to don something comfortable for the five-hour flight, but their luggage had been checked!

I would advise the bride to bring along a carry-on with a change of clothes should the unexpected occur. The couple on my flight got more than their money's worth out of their formal wear. -- JANE IN MANDEVILLE, LA.

DEAR ABBY: Leaving for my honeymoon last summer, I wore a white baseball cap with a short veil attached so everyone would know I was just married. It paid off with upgrades to first class on our flight, complimentary champagne and many other "perks." Tell that bride-to-be there is an alternative to show that she's just married, and she should preserve her sacred wedding gown for her daughter. -- STARR IN SANTA CRUZ, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I just saw the question from the bride-to-be. Please remind her and your readers that it is unsafe to wear anything that bulky -- and perhaps not even comfortable -- on an airplane. If there was an accident or even a crash landing, she could become a liability to her husband and the other passengers -- from catching on fire to getting tangled in the slide to tripping in a dark aisle. This is the reason travelers are advised not to wear clothing made of synthetic material on an airplane. -- PRACTICAL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: Tell that bride to call a designer today! I once saw the most wonderful wedding dress, and it could be the perfect solution for her. It was in two pieces, with a full skirt that came off, revealing a beautiful short cocktail dress. Ingenious! The bride said she wore it to dinner several times during her honeymoon. -- AN OLD BRIDE IN SAN RAMON

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)