DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dale," was planning a surprise 40th birthday party for my sister, "Linda." I found out about the party one week before it happened. Dale made a point of telling everyone he invited not to tell me about it because he knew I would tell Linda and spoil the surprise. My husband was also in on it and said nothing about it until the week before the party.

Linda is my sister, and I know how much this party meant to Dale and the surprise was also important. However, I cannot forgive my brother-in-law for going out of his way to tell people not to tell me. In the end, I heard nonstop comments about it, and wasn't even involved in the planning of my only sister's big party.

When Linda found out, she was also upset with Dale. I no longer speak to him. I'm still angry at being excluded from the planning and the fact that he made it a point to tell everyone why. All of us have problems keeping some secrets, but a secret like a surprise party could have been kept from my sister. This whole issue is causing tension between Linda and me, and Dale has made no effort in reconciling this issue. Am I wrong in feeling this way toward Dale? Should I continue to dislike him about it? -- FURIOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR FURIOUS: You stated clearly that you have a reputation for not keeping secrets. It was important to your brother-in-law that the party be a surprise. I think he acted prudently in keeping you out of the loop as long as he could. If you are looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmo," hid money from me for more than a year. When we did our taxes this year, $11,000 of what he earned was unaccounted for. He said he kept it for his "security," and he doesn't think he did anything wrong or that he lied or deceived me. He said the money was his to do with as he wished, without my knowledge or consent.

Abby, during our eight years of marriage, I have never hidden any money from Elmo. At times I have supported both of us because of his frequent illnesses, or the fact that he was out of a job, or simply didn't earn a decent salary. There is more to our problems, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel I have been deceived and lied to, and we have separated over it. For my peace of mind, shouldn't he have to acknowledge what he did -- or am I overreacting? We have been to marriage counseling several times, and this is our second separation. I need a third-party opinion. -- ELMO'S WIFE IN ARIZONA

DEAR ELMO'S WIFE: It has been my experience that people who are secretive usually have something to hide. Most couples who pool their money give themselves some kind of "allowance" to do with as they wish, and do not have to account to each other for every penny. Because your husband deliberately kept the information from you, I have to agree that his actions were deceptive. But getting him to admit that fact may be more trouble than it's worth. So please accept that "You're right," the words you are longing to hear your husband say, may never pass his lips.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a wonderful 7-year-old boy I'll call Jeremy. Jeremy's father, "Darren," has not been involved in his life since Jeremy was 15 months old. Although Darren provides financial support, he has not been there emotionally for Jeremy in 5 1/2 years. Jeremy doesn't even remember him.

My son is now at the age where he is beginning to question where his father is and why he isn't around. Darren chose to step out of his son's life with no explanation other than he didn't want to be involved with him. (I had already moved on.)

I have not remarried, and I have not introduced Jeremy to any man I have dated. What is the best way to let my son know all he needs to know about why his dad isn't around without hurting his feelings, or making him feel unloved? "I don't know where he is" just isn't working anymore. Jeremy wants to know details. Help! -- LOVING MOTHER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Explain to Jeremy that his father's absence has nothing to do with him. Tell your son that some men are good at being parents, while others never learn -- and his father is one of those. As Jeremy matures, you can fill in more of the details. But it's important that your son understand that the problem was never that he was unlovable -- but rather that his father never learned how to love.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law were married on the beach in a beautiful setting in Mexico last March. Several of our family and friends were in attendance.

The other day, I asked my daughter why she hadn't changed her name to her new married name, as she has said she will be using her husband's name. She explained that although they were married in Mexico, their marriage certificate is valid only in Mexico, and she'll have to wait for her translated certificate in order to change her identification here.

The kids forwarded all their information two months prior to being married, had blood tests in Mexico (a requirement), and paid for a wedding. Since they have a Mexican certificate stating they are married, why does she have to wait to receive another type of document? My question: Are they married or not married here? -- BEFUDDLED IN BUCKINGHAM, PA.

DEAR BEFUDDLED: According to the Los Angeles County Registrar/Recorder's office, your daughter and son-in-law's Mexican marriage is recognized anywhere. If she wants to use her husband's name, all she has to do is notify the Department of Motor Vehicles, credit card companies, etc. of the name change.

DEAR ABBY: When we go out to dinner with another couple, what is the proper way to handle the bill? My husband and I are frequently invited to join other couples at a restaurant for dinner.

We always assume the bill will be split among the couples. If we ask another couple out, are we required to pay the tab?

Last weekend, we invited "John and Mary" to dinner and we were stuck with a $250 bill. They never mentioned the bill, nor the $50 tip we left. -- JEN IN TOWNSEND, DEL.

DEAR JEN: Couples usually discuss this before the meal or when the check arrives. Because John and Mary said nothing, you or your husband should have suggested splitting the check.

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DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

DEAR MISSOURI GRANDMOTHER: Homosexuality is not an illness, and therefore there is no need for a "cure." I predict that your family will be happier if you accept your relative exactly the way he is, love him, support him, and stop trying to think of ways to cure him.

P.S. Circumcision is a sacred rite of the Jewish religion. If your theory were valid, then there would be no Jewish homosexuals. And yet, among the successful, gay, Jewish men who are "out" are Harvey Fierstein, Michael Feinstein, Barney Frank and David Geffen -- to name a few. (Oops! And let's not forget Isaac Mizrahi.)

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Alicia" and I'm 16. About a year ago, my mom got two puppies. Although they are annoying, I have to admit they are very cute and adorable.

My problem is, ever since we've had the puppies, I have thought my mom loves them more than she loves my brother and me. For some reason, I feel replaced by them. I know she loves us very much, but it hurts to think she cares more for them than she cares for us. I think that because my brother and I are getting older, she needs something else to love. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry, but I have never been a person to spill my guts out to my parents. Can you give me any advice that would help me with this? -- REPLACED BY DOGS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REPLACED: Keeping your feelings locked inside is no way to resolve your problems. Your mother may be an animal lover, but I can guarantee that she loves you and your brother far more than those dogs. However, the person you need to hear it from isn't me -- it's her. So please clip this letter, give it to your mother and tell her you wrote it. You appear to need a long, hard hug and some reassurance, but your mother can't know that unless you tell her.

DEAR ABBY: My friend and I have one teacher who is beginning to scare us. He says things like, "You know I love you," and he tells us how he misses us when we're not in class. He also will come from behind and give us back rubs, put his arms around us and give us an occasional hug.

We have been trying to ignore it because, when we told my mom, she said he probably didn't mean anything and was just trying to be nice. But at a school dance, he gave my friend a kiss on her cheek and put his hands on my waist.

Maybe we're overreacting, but, Abby, we are the only two in our class he does this to. Other teachers have made us sit through videos and read brochures on "improper touching," and we are beginning to wonder. Is he stretching the line? -- CONCERNED STUDENT, PARKERSBURG, W.VA.

DEAR CONCERNED: Your teacher appears to be using very poor judgment. He has not only "stretched" the line, he has crossed it. It's time you and your friend visit the principal of your school. Explain that the man's overly affectionate behavior is making you both uncomfortable, and you are the only two students that it's happening to. If he hasn't been "counseled" about touching students, this teacher definitely needs to be.

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