DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "John" for 18 years. We have two children. Four years ago, he found out that he has a son a year and a half older than our oldest. My children welcomed "Ricky" and so did I. Now the problem:

John wants us to treat Ricky like family, but Ricky doesn't have to treat us like family. We never hear from this child; only my husband talks to him. When Ricky visits, John waits on him hand and foot and acts like the perfect father. He pretends he doesn't hear Ricky make rude comments about me and my children. Ricky can tell John that one of my children -- or I -- said something to upset him, and it is automatically our fault, no questions asked. If Ricky wants money, I am not consulted. I am told we are sending it -- regardless of the amount.

I understand John may feel guilty for not being in Ricky's life all those years, but that's not our fault. I think that if Ricky doesn't accept us, then we should be left out of it. But when he comes here, John wants us all to be present. Why should we be there for the rude comments? If I say anything about it, John says I don't love his child. I no longer say anything when he visits, afraid of being yelled at for not being "fair" to Ricky. I can't get John to see that my children and I want to be part of both their lives, but without walking on eggshells. Help! -- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IN ARIZONA

DEAR TRYING: You have already been far more tolerant than many spouses would have been. When John accused you of not "loving" his child, you should have responded: "You have made it very hard for any of us to love him because you tolerate his rudeness to me and our children. And further, I don't like the person you become when he's around."

Yes, your husband may be overcompensating for the years he never knew the boy existed, but has it occurred to you -- and John -- that perhaps the boy is punishing you for having "had" his father all those years, not to mention manipulating John?

Before this unhealthy situation goes further, I strongly recommend that you, your husband and Ricky have some sessions with a mental health professional who specializes in family therapy. Your marriage could depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old female who is frustrated with people asking me about my love life. I am successful at work, own my own car and home, and have a great social circle. When I'm talking with both males and females during introductions, one thing always comes up. "You're too pretty to be single! I'm sure you can hook a man."

I don't know how to respond politely to this. I have gone on many dates where men become obsessive and controlling, and I end it very quickly at the first signs of this behavior. What should I say to people who keep inquiring about my love life? I feel they are trying to measure my success as a person by my marital status. -- SINGLE AND SUCCESSFUL IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SINGLE AND SUCCESSFUL: When someone tells you you're too pretty to be single, respond by smiling and saying "thank you." (I'm sure it's intended as a compliment.) And when they comment about your ability to "hook" a man, tell them that's exactly what you plan to do when you meet the right one, but so far you haven't met him. Then change the subject by asking the questioners about themselves.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: Today is Father's Day, and I would like to offer my good wishes to fathers everywhere -- whether they be birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive fathers, foster fathers, or caring men who mentor children whose fathers are deceased or absent. The importance of your role cannot be overstated. Children who are fortunate enough to have loving, actively involved fathers should thank their lucky stars because not all children are so fortunate. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to share an essay that was written by my son, Anthony. He had spent a couple of days taking care of his two sons, ages 5 1/2 and 3, while his wife was out of town.

One night, after putting them to bed, he began thinking about the day and their activities, and was so moved with emotion that he sat down and put on paper what he was feeling.

You might want to share his beautiful, loving essay with your readers. -- MARYANN RETTINO, HUNTINGTON, N.Y.

DEAR MARYANN: Indeed I would. Your son's essay expresses the emotions of caring fathers everywhere. Read on:

A FATHER'S WISH by Anthony Rettino

I gaze at my two sons -- and the feeling is indescribable. So much innocence and so much joy, yet I know there are challenges ahead, mountains to climb, emotions to deal with.

How can I best prepare them for life? How can I prevent them from making the same mistakes I made? How can I protect them from the evil in the world?

Considering this, I realize the best thing I can do is to let them be themselves, accept them for who they are, encourage them along the way, and wish for them the best that life can offer.

I wish that they will find happiness where there is sadness, hope where there is despair, and meaning where there is confusion.

I wish that one day they can know the love of a child, hear their footsteps as they walk through the door, and gaze upon them as they sleep.

I wish for them that they will find true love, as I have found it with their mother.

I wish that they will be happy and fulfilled in their chosen professions, that they will be able to balance work and family, and find the time to help others less fortunate than they are.

As for me, I wish that I can be every bit the man they see when they look at me with their adoring eyes.

DEAR ABBY: My three siblings and I live with my parents. My brother, who is two years younger than I am, wants to move out. I'm the middle child, and Mom says I should wait until I'm 30 before moving.

When I try to talk to my parents, they blow me off. I'm getting sick of it when she starts talking with my brother about moving out on his own. Please help me. -- MIXED UP IN MONTANA

DEAR MIXED UP: You didn't mention your age, but if you are 21 and self-supporting, you can move out on your own whenever you wish. You do not have to wait until you are 30 -- regardless of how much your mother might wish otherwise.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON B. IN MINNEAPOLIS: A happy, healthy Father's Day, Pop!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hans," and I have decided not to allow our two children to visit their grandparents' home while my sister-in-law, "Becky," is living there. The reason for our decision is that Becky molested Hans for about four years while they were kids.

Becky has kids of her own now and has said some things that are questionable. We feel our children would be better off without her in their lives, just to be safe. Hans' parents do not know what happened. He simply told them he has "good reason" for not allowing his children over, and not much else was said.

My problem is, my in-laws are blaming ME for the children not going over there, and now refuse to visit with us at our house. Hans' mother barely speaks to him anymore. They live only 15 minutes away and both are under 50 and in good health. Were we wrong in our decision? Do you think Hans should tell his parents why we don't visit? As with many cases of sexual abuse, Becky convinced Hans that no one would believe him if he "told," and unfortunately, that thought has stuck with him. -- DESPERATE TO MEND THE FAMILY

DEAR DESPERATE: You made the right decision in keeping your children away from Becky, but you made a mistake in not telling the grandparents exactly why. They should immediately be told the truth -- if only so they can make sure that the children under their roof now have not been molested. And if you have any reason to believe they would turn a blind eye to it, you should share your concerns with Child Protective Services.

DEAR ABBY: One of my best friends, "Patty," just became engaged. I'm happy for her. Patty was one of my bridesmaids and even acted as unofficial maid of honor. She loaned me a small amount of money, which I haven't been able to pay back yet.

Patty called me the other day. When we spoke, she mentioned the money and asked when I would repay the loan. I told her I plan to pay her back as soon as I can. Then she told me her mother is having reservations about me being one of her bridesmaids. She said her mom wanted to make sure I knew they couldn't afford to pay for my dress.

The thing is, I already knew I'd have to pay for it. I'm the only bridesmaid she has said that to, and I feel insulted. I was already planning on buying my own dress. My husband now refuses to go to the wedding, and I'm having doubts about even being in it. The wedding is scheduled for next year, so I can't blame it on pre-wedding jitters. What should I do? Should I suck up my pride, or should I refuse to be a bridesmaid? I'm really hurt by what she said. -- ALMOST-BROKE BRIDESMAID

DEAR ALMOST BROKE: Has it occurred to you that Patty's mother's concerns might be valid? If you can't afford to repay the "small amount of money" your friend loaned you, how do you plan to pay for your dress? I see no reason why you should be offended that she raised the subject. If you have owed the money for more than a month, the bride and her mother have every right to be concerned.

Rather than being offended, I think you should be apologetic, set up a repayment plan NOW, and if you can't afford to be a member of the wedding party, face that fact and admit it so it doesn't create a problem at the last minute.

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