DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Craig," and I have agreed to let you settle an argument. We have been married for seven years. Craig was married to his previous wife, "Charlotte," for 12 years. Since their divorce, Charlotte is invited to -- and attends -- all of his family's functions and holiday gatherings, as is my husband, but I am not.

Craig has told his parents that Charlotte's presence makes him uncomfortable, but they said she will "always be their daughter" and they can invite whomever they choose.

I don't think Craig should attend these gatherings with his ex-wife, but he accuses me of being selfish because if he doesn't go, he will miss out on his family's events. He says if I don't want him there with her, then I should "crash" the events and show up uninvited and unwelcomed. Who is right? -- SNUBBED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR SNUBBED: It would be interesting to know more about how your husband's first marriage ended, because that may be what has influenced your in-laws' decision not to accept you into the family. However, as it stands, you are already experiencing enough problems without crashing his parents' gatherings, and I strongly advise against it. Your husband is selfish to ignore your feelings and go without you, but hey -- that's the doll you married.

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school. A short time ago, a freshman at my school was killed. He was walking home from a friend's house, and on his way he was hit by a drunk driver. (He was in a crosswalk.)

Abby, he was 6-foot-7 and on the football team. We called him the "gentle giant." It was a huge loss, and many people at school have been suffering this past week. His family is doing the best they can to cope with this.

Our school has sold 250 shirts made in his honor and is donating the money to his family. He is missed and was loved by so many people. Everyone at school wants to help make sure that no one has to go through this kind of tragedy again. What other ways can my school get involved with helping to support not drinking and driving? -- GRIEVING IN SAN JOSE

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your classmate. His death should be a reminder to those he left behind just how fragile and precious life can be. An effective way to memorialize him would be to see that every student in the school who takes a driving course from now on signs a contract promising not only to not mix drinking and driving, but also not to get into a car that is being driven by a person who is "under the influence."

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose wife was in a nursing home for several years before her death. "George" was very loving and faithful, and visited "Marie" every day until the Lord took her three years ago.

George and I have been seeing each other for six months, and he is still wearing his wedding ring. When we talk he mentions Marie frequently.

I am embarrassed when we go out because George still wears his wedding ring. It makes me feel like I'm going out with a married man. Why do you think he still does it? -- PUZZLED IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR PUZZLED: Your friend may have worn the wedding ring for so long that taking it off would make him feel naked. He may wear it because, on some level, he still feels married to Marie. However, you have asked the wrong person. The only one who can give you a definitive answer to your question is George.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a unique problem. My mother-in-law is too nice. She insists on taking my children once or twice a week so that she can have her own time with them -- often taking them on fun outings for entire afternoons or evenings. I am not invited. Although she cannot refuse to let me come, any time I do, she makes me feel that I am intruding. I guess she likes to "play mom," and my presence interferes.

While I appreciate the fact that she goes out of her way to develop a good relationship with my children, it bothers me that she demands to see them so often and at my exclusion. Am I just being selfish for feeling left out? In my family, the attitude was always "the more the merrier." We have a good relationship otherwise. -- LEFT OUT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR LEFT OUT: Many people reading this column would fall on their knees and kiss the ground if their parents or in-laws treated their children the way yours does. However, because you feel left out, it's time to have a frank talk with "Granny" and tell her that you would like to be able to join some of those outings without feeling that you are intruding, as you have been made to feel -- however inadvertently -- in the past. She may not be aware of the message she has been conveying.

DEAR ABBY: I believe my husband is headed for a nervous breakdown, and I don't know what to do. He is having a mid-life crisis. His hair is thinning very quickly, and he's having a problem sexually. Things have gotten so bad that I'm contemplating filing for a divorce.

Can you please tell him that he is not alone, and that there are many men his age experiencing the same problems? Please tell him that there is help. -- DESPERATE IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR DESPERATE: Of course your husband is not alone. And the proof of it lies as near as your television set, with its endless ads for Viagra, Levitra and other "male enhancements." Add to that the testimonials for hair replacement surgery, and it adds up to many thousands of men and many millions of dollars for available treatments.

This is not the time to leave your husband. What you should do is urge him to discuss his concerns with his doctor, because what is "ailing" him can almost certainly be fixed.

DEAR ABBY: I have two active boys who are 8 and 2 1/2. We are going on a 12-hour road trip to a family wedding. I shared with my mother-in-law that I am dreading the long ride and am trying to think of ways to keep the boys occupied. We have a DVD player and are taking books, toys, etc. on the trip.

I was shocked to hear my mother-in-law suggest that I give the boys Benadryl to put them to sleep. This is not the first time I have heard someone say this. Is this common practice? My husband and I would never do such a thing. Isn't that child abuse? -- APPALLED IN FREMONT, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: I would certainly call it child endangerment. Children should not be given medications without a doctor's prescription. If I were you, I'd start that trip at night, when the children are normally sleeping. And bring along lots of things to keep them entertained. I would also schedule stops at regular intervals so they don't get cabin fever. But drug them? Never.

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DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Pete and Repeat in Ohio" whose in-laws constantly repeat themselves. My mother-in-law does the same thing. She's 61 and has done it for at least 10 years. I do not believe it's a sign of early dementia, but it drives me crazy.

I think the reason is she cannot stand silence. If there is a pause in the conversation, she is compelled to fill it with endless drivel about herself or family that's been told 100 times before.

Because she doesn't seem to notice or care if the person she is with is an active listener, I have finally learned to turn a deaf ear, say "uh-huh" at the appropriate times and focus on her better qualities, as my husband and father-in-law have done for years. -- NO LONGER LISTENING IN COLORADO

DEAR NO LONGER LISTENING: That letter brought some thought-provoking feedback. Not everyone agreed with me that the woman's problem could be early dementia. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have another thought. Perhaps the in-laws were trying to elicit an acknowledgment of what they were saying, so they kept saying it, thinking it wasn't sinking in. I find myself doing the same thing when it appears my daughter isn't listening or hasn't reacted to something I have said -- particularly if it's something important to me. -- ANNIE IN ORTONVILLE, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: I'm only in my 30s, and I sometimes have the habit of repeating myself. I do it when I feel the person I am speaking to is blowing me off, patronizing me, misunderstanding me or not acknowledging me.

"Pete and Repeat" should try the following before sending the older folks to a doctor or deciding they have dementia: When Mom and Pop repeat themselves, look them straight in the eye, and gently and sincerely acknowledge the message. Example: Say, "Mom, thank you for telling us about the surprise! You always plan such great gifts, we can't wait to see what it is." They should teach their children to do the same.

"Pete and Repeat" may think they are acknowledging their parents by telling them they already heard them eight times, but my guess is the parents are looking for a more positive form of affirmation. -- LAURIE IN LARAMIE, WYO.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother was a wonderful mother-in-law, but she also told the same stories over and over. Finally, I started charging my husband a dollar for every time I had to listen to a story I already knew. This way I was more than polite to his mother -- I was enthusiastic when she repeated herself, and I silently counted up my winnings. Maybe "Pete and Repeat" could promise their kids a quarter for every time the grandparents repeat themselves. I promise you, everybody's attitude will change for the better. -- MISSING MY M-I-L IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Pete and Repeat" was right on. My mother-in-law started repeating herself more than 15 years ago, at the young age of 61. Her children wrote it off as "old age," but her daughters-in-law saw it as an early sign of dementia. Unfortunately, we were right.

I hope "Pete and Repeat" won't put off encouraging her parents to visit their doctor. Medications can slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease. The sooner they know what's going on, the better they all can prepare for the future. -- LISA IN BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MICH.

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