DEAR ABBY: After I dated an older man, I gained a bad reputation among some lower-level, gossipy co-workers at my job, even though I tried to keep it quiet and even denied it.

Now I've started a friendship with an older man at the company where I work. Although we are just friends, these co-workers think there is something more and are spreading gossip, saying that we are having an affair.

This could be damaging to both my career and my friendships with the man and my co-workers. How can I stop the gossip? Or does my past behavior make me forever guilty? -- NOT LOVING IT IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOT LOVING IT: Wait a minute. How did your co-workers learn about your relationships with these two men? Were you obvious about the personal relationship at work? Did you, perhaps, mention it to someone who dropped the tidbit at the water cooler?

Once gossip starts, it is impossible to stop. You can, however, make it seem less plausible if you keep your behavior above reproach in the workplace, and your lip tightly zipped when it comes to your personal life. Period.

DEAR ABBY: "Danny" and I have been together six months. During the first six weeks I was studying in Europe, and when I got back we jumped straight into an intense, time-consuming relationship. Then he asked if he could move in with me. It was all too sudden for me, and I said I wasn't ready. Danny reacted by breaking up with me.

Since then, our relationship has been rocky. We never established a foundation, and we have been trying to ease our time commitment to each other.

Danny says that he loves me. I feel I centered my life around him, and I need to regain my balance before I can be in a relationship with him again. I want to take a couple of steps back this summer, and get to know each other again and build a foundation. I know Danny is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment now.

Should I give up and walk away, or continue to try to rebuild our relationship? -- LINDY IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR LINDY: Danny may say that he loves you, but if it is more than lip service, he should be willing to give you the space you need. If he's unwilling to do that, then the message he's sending is that he's more interested in a live-in than a life partner. What you're proposing is reasonable, and if he can't respect your feelings, you should, indeed, walk away.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in reference to the letter from "Katie's Daughter" that ran in your column about a month ago. I lost my mother when I was 21 and wish I had written down some of her recipes. I, like Katie's daughter, wanted to make some of my mother's specialties.

I am now in my 60s. I decided that while I am still able, I would compile a collection of recipes that my sister and I have prepared over the years for my sons, nieces and nephews so they would not have to "search" for them.

By December, I had typed all our family favorites on a special computer program. I printed it, and then took it to a local office supply store, had it bound and a cover put on. It was one of the favorite Christmas gifts they received. -- ALMA'S DAUGHTER IN AUBURN, N.Y.

DEAR ALMA'S DAUGHTER: What a terrific idea. I never thought I'd be discussing Christmas gift ideas in June, but for a project like this one, it's not a bad idea to start early. Thank you for sharing a delicious suggestion with me and my readers.

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DEAR ABBY: My son is 11 and, for the first time, he has a "girlfriend." I have always discouraged the children from saying they have girlfriends and boyfriends, so he has always referred to her as his "friend." Well, the other night, I heard him say, "I love you," and there were text messages on his phone from her saying it, too.

I tried to talk to him about it and explain that this is not appropriate because he's too young to really understand what love is, and he should not say it until he is older and knows what love is. He didn't respond very well and was embarrassed. I don't think I was very effective. Do you have any recommendations on how to handle this? -- SHANNON IN HOUSTON

DEAR SHANNON: I certainly do. And the first is to stop minimizing your son's feelings because you know better what he is feeling. His emotions are his own, and the more you insist they are not valid, the higher the barrier will be that you build between you. How much better it would have been had you listened to what he had to say and simply commented that along with love go responsibilities that he will come to understand as he grows older -- and that he can always tell you anything.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Carl" for six years. We have two children together. My parents hate him because, years ago, he served time in prison, and his family has very little money. They feel Carl is "beneath" me, and I can "do better."

Abby, my parents won't even see their own grandchildren unless I leave Carl at home, which isn't fair to him. He has turned his life around, earns good money at his job, and is a devoted husband and father.

How can I convince my parents to see him for who he is now, and not ostracize him for the mistake he made in the past? -- CARL'S WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CARL'S WIFE: By taking your children to see your parents and allowing them to exclude your husband, you are helping them to isolate and belittle him. The quickest way to get your parents to recognize that their behavior is unacceptable is to stop aiding and abetting it. Begin by refusing to visit unless your husband -- and the father of those grandchildren -- is welcomed.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy playing golf. I am in sales, so I have the opportunity to invite clients to play golf. When I include my husband in these events, it can become very uncomfortable. If his round is not going well, he becomes upset, curses loudly and slams his club to the ground. It is extremely embarrassing to me, and I'm sure it makes my clients uncomfortable.

I'm hesitant to say anything to my husband about his behavior because I have to imagine that he isn't happy with himself when he acts that way, either. I'm considering not including him in future rounds that involve clients, but don't really like that alternative. What would you suggest? -- TEED OFF IN HOUSTON

DEAR TEED OFF: May I be frank? Business is business. Your husband's childish, unsportsmanlike behavior could have a negative effect on your ability to make a sale. Tell your husband that when he behaves that way in front of clients, it reflects badly on the both of you, and if it happens again you will have to exclude him from your business-related golf games. Then "follow through."

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Craig," and I have agreed to let you settle an argument. We have been married for seven years. Craig was married to his previous wife, "Charlotte," for 12 years. Since their divorce, Charlotte is invited to -- and attends -- all of his family's functions and holiday gatherings, as is my husband, but I am not.

Craig has told his parents that Charlotte's presence makes him uncomfortable, but they said she will "always be their daughter" and they can invite whomever they choose.

I don't think Craig should attend these gatherings with his ex-wife, but he accuses me of being selfish because if he doesn't go, he will miss out on his family's events. He says if I don't want him there with her, then I should "crash" the events and show up uninvited and unwelcomed. Who is right? -- SNUBBED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR SNUBBED: It would be interesting to know more about how your husband's first marriage ended, because that may be what has influenced your in-laws' decision not to accept you into the family. However, as it stands, you are already experiencing enough problems without crashing his parents' gatherings, and I strongly advise against it. Your husband is selfish to ignore your feelings and go without you, but hey -- that's the doll you married.

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school. A short time ago, a freshman at my school was killed. He was walking home from a friend's house, and on his way he was hit by a drunk driver. (He was in a crosswalk.)

Abby, he was 6-foot-7 and on the football team. We called him the "gentle giant." It was a huge loss, and many people at school have been suffering this past week. His family is doing the best they can to cope with this.

Our school has sold 250 shirts made in his honor and is donating the money to his family. He is missed and was loved by so many people. Everyone at school wants to help make sure that no one has to go through this kind of tragedy again. What other ways can my school get involved with helping to support not drinking and driving? -- GRIEVING IN SAN JOSE

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your classmate. His death should be a reminder to those he left behind just how fragile and precious life can be. An effective way to memorialize him would be to see that every student in the school who takes a driving course from now on signs a contract promising not only to not mix drinking and driving, but also not to get into a car that is being driven by a person who is "under the influence."

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose wife was in a nursing home for several years before her death. "George" was very loving and faithful, and visited "Marie" every day until the Lord took her three years ago.

George and I have been seeing each other for six months, and he is still wearing his wedding ring. When we talk he mentions Marie frequently.

I am embarrassed when we go out because George still wears his wedding ring. It makes me feel like I'm going out with a married man. Why do you think he still does it? -- PUZZLED IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR PUZZLED: Your friend may have worn the wedding ring for so long that taking it off would make him feel naked. He may wear it because, on some level, he still feels married to Marie. However, you have asked the wrong person. The only one who can give you a definitive answer to your question is George.

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