DEAR ABBY: I am an outdoorsman with 20-plus years of experience in backpacking and camping. I'm very happy that the woman I'm planning to marry enjoys these activities with me, but she has very little experience.

Last Christmas, she bought a tent for us to use on our outdoor adventures, knowing that I was shopping around and comparing models and trying to find the perfect one. She was very excited to see me tear off the wrapping paper, and I truly appreciate her affection and effort. However, the tent she purchased is much too heavy and bulky to use for backpacking.

We are young and have modest incomes, and we both value thriftiness, so should I ask her to return the tent and purchase one that would be more suitable for our adventures? Or should I keep quiet, purchase the lightweight tent that I desire, and use her gift just when she and I are traveling together on less demanding outings? How can I get the tent I need without dampening her enthusiasm for outdoor activities? -- OUTDOORSMAN IN LOVE

DEAR OUTDOORSMAN: Explain that you love her for wanting to surprise you, but some things are better selected together -- such as wedding rings and houses. I am almost positive that she'll understand your logic if you put it that way. However, if she doesn't, then pack up the tent and suggest that the two of you take a short hike together with HER carrying it.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to ask your advice on how to deal with a dear friend of many years. She informed my husband and me last week that she is pregnant "accidentally" for the second time by a man she doesn't want to be with.

She spent several hours crying and looking for support and advice from me, but I am not sure how to give it. You see, after two miscarriages last year, my husband and I are trying very hard to conceive again. I am taking progesterone and going through a huge mental and physical struggle to have a child, and it is difficult for me to console her in her pregnancy complaints and upset over the circumstances of her condition (for the second time!).

I just want to cry out to her that I would give my right arm to have the child she is carrying. She knows my situation, and I have tried to tell her how hard this is for me. I am not sure how to save my sanity and still be a friend to her. Please help! -- HURTING IN WRIGHTSVILLE, PA.

DEAR HURTING: Your friend's egocentricity is shocking under the circumstances. If she had any empathy for your situation, she would not have sought out your shoulder to cry on. Because I can't "fix" her, the best advice I can offer is to tell her exactly what you have told me. If she's going to remain your friend, she needs to hear it.

DEAR ABBY: My godparents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary soon. However, one of them is suffering from Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home.

I would like to send a care package to honor their special day, but I don't know what to include since the Alzheimer's patient can't use many of the things some elderly people might enjoy. Any suggestions? -- DEVOTED GODCHILD

DEAR DEVOTED: I am sure that if you created an album of special memories for the couple, it would be deeply appreciated. Also, some tapes or CDs of music from "their era" -- the '40s, '50s and '60s -- might bring them both pleasure.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter, "Liza," is going through a divorce that has turned ugly, with her soon-to-be ex, "Dick," choking and threatening to kill her.

The problem is, my oldest daughter, "Mimi," has remained in contact with Dick. She claims she doesn't want her children "to suffer the loss of an uncle they really love." Mimi had promised Liza she would no longer speak to Dick, but when Liza went to her former home to pick up some personal items, she saw on the caller ID that Mimi had been calling there several times a week.

Liza is devastated and feels Mimi has betrayed her. When she called Mimi to discuss it, Mimi refused. Liza then announced that she would never speak to Mimi again.

I feel that Mimi did betray Liza, but I had hoped there would be further communication. Mimi is now avoiding me.

There have been other sticky situations in the past when Mimi has deprived family members -- including me -- from seeing her children as a means of punishment.

I am at a loss. I feel supportive of Liza because I know she really needs me and is being subjected to problems of all kinds from all sides. -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: What a mess. You have my sympathy. However, Liza may have jumped to the wrong conclusion when she spotted Mimi's number on Dick's caller ID. Caller ID registers the number the call was made from and to whom that number is registered. It does not necessarily reveal the identity of the caller. Rather than Mimi calling, it might have been one or more of her children wanting to talk to "an uncle they really love."

One thing is clear. There is trouble between your daughters. Whether it's recent, or the ill feelings go all the way back to their childhood, you'd be better served to let "the girls" work it out between themselves than to allow yourself to be put in the middle. You can't be their referee forever. You're all adults now, and it's time they resolve their own conflicts without dragging you into it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in love with "Jordan" for three years. I know he loves me, too. My problem is I am not sure where Jordan leaves off and I begin. He is older -- 27 -- and I almost feel like I haven't had a chance to become my own person.

My dilemma is that I'm afraid if I leave him and venture out on my own, I might lose him forever. I don't want to make a mistake. I am also afraid that if I leave him and meet someone, and it doesn't work out -- I'll be left all alone. Please tell me what to do. Everyone I ask has a different opinion. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN GREENVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: As risky as it may seem now, take a break from Jordan. You didn't mention whether you are still in school. If you are, tell Jordan that you need time to concentrate on your studies and get involved with campus life. It's the truth. If you are not, then consider taking some classes to further your education and help you develop independently.

Before making a lifetime commitment to anyone, it is imperative to have established some independence both emotionally and financially. If your romance is so fragile that a little time apart will destroy it, then it wasn't strong enough to begin with.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancee of five years, "Beth." I had always assumed that my brother, "Mike," who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should "get over it," and he needs to accept that it's just "the way things are in the world."

As hurt as I am, I can't hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a "reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights" as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: By respecting your brother's decision, and reminding your bride-to-be that accepting the status quo is not always the best thing to do. Women were once considered chattel, and slavery was regarded as sanctioned in the Bible. However, western society grew to recognize that neither was just. Canada, Belgium, the Netherlands and Spain have recognized gay marriage, and one day, perhaps, our country will, too.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in college for interior design. A woman I have many classes with is making class time unbearable. She frequently interrupts the instructor, or says "uh-huh" repeatedly during lectures. It's very distracting. I counted once, and she did it 100 times in one class -- no exaggeration.

She also laughs very loudly at things that are not remotely funny, eavesdrops on other people's conversations and interjects when her opinion is not asked for or wanted. Even our instructors are frustrated with her. When we have critiques of our work -- which is quite often -- she's rude and uncalled-for in her critique, which is funny because her work is less than remedial, at best.

This woman is in her 40s. Most of my classmates are in their 20s and 30s. Is she mentally unstable or just socially inept? How should we deal with someone who grates on everyone's nerves? I have tried ignoring her and giving her unsubtle hints that she's being out of line. Some of my classmates have talked to our instructors about her and nothing came of it. I'm at the end of my rope. I dread every class I have with her. Please help. -- DESIGN STUDENT IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DESIGN STUDENT: You have described a person who is sorely lacking in social skills. She appears to be unable to pick up on the normal "cues" that guide most people's social interaction, which is very sad for her, because if she plans a career in interior design, she will have to successfully interact with many different kinds of people.

You and some of the other students should go back to your instructors and explain to them how disruptive and distracting the woman's behavior has been. If nothing is done, complain to the head of the department. However, if the problem can't be remedied, you may have to grit your teeth, remember that these classes are not forever, and keep as far away from her as you can.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)