DEAR ABBY: When I was 16 I fell in love with the handsomest man I had ever seen. I'll call him "Todd." Apparently everyone else thought so, too. Todd loved the women and they loved him, and our relationship ended.

After many years we were reunited. We have been together for three years now. Todd has changed a lot since high school. His personality is every woman's dream now. He is thoughtful, considerate, and tells me he loves me every day. He has apologized repeatedly for his past.

The problem is, he's no longer as attractive as he used to be. Over the years he has neglected his body, teeth, skin and hair. He is a diesel mechanic, and his hands and fingernails are embedded with grease. We no longer look like we belong together, and I'm embarrassed to introduce him to friends. (They chuckle under their breath when they see him.)

My friends and I like to go to fancy places, and even when Todd is dressed up, he doesn't look right. Forgive me if this seems shallow. I have kept my youthful looks. I still wear a size 8, and no one can believe I have three grandchildren.

How do I deal with this? I love Todd. I love being with him and talking to him. But I can't seem to overcome these feelings. -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFUSED: Alcoholics Anonymous has something called the "Serenity Prayer." Commit it to memory, and use it as the need arises, because it can be a helpful tool for living:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." (Italics are mine.)

If you really love Todd, it is within your power to "encourage" him to exercise and eat healthfully, to see a dentist and a barber regularly, and groom himself more carefully. If you love Todd, you will tell your friends that you do -- and if you still feel they look down on this thoughtful, considerate and affectionate man, you will cultivate friends who are more accepting.

DEAR ABBY: "Rita" and I first became close in junior high. We are both in our mid-20s and currently live about two hours apart. We spent many hours together as teens. However, her demanding nature did always grate on me.

One year, when we were living on opposite coasts, I sent Rita an expensive birthday gift and card, but forgot to call her until the next day. Instead of thanking me, she pouted and accused me of "not valuing our friendship."

A few months ago, Rita sent me an angry e-mail because I had made plans with my boyfriend for two nights during her week-long stay in my town. (She was here for the wedding of a couple I do not know.) I wrote her back, explaining that I love her, but I am now a busy woman and don't have time for her childish behavior. I told her she expects a degree of attention that I cannot give her. We haven't spoken since.

Recently Rita e-mailed me and invited me to lunch. I have not responded. I simply have no desire to see her, as I have not enjoyed our relationship for years. Do I owe Rita anything besides wishing her the best? Should I see her? -- FEELING GUILTY IN PALO ALTO

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Because you have no desire to see her, politely refuse the invitation. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, and you are in no way obligated to continue this one. Sometimes people simply grow apart, and this appears to be the case with you and Rita.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of three years, "Earl," is an ordained Baptist minister. He will turn 60 this year. He's a diabetic who lives in a fantasy world. We have never slept together; we sleep in separate bedrooms.

Earl is good-looking and women love him. He flirts with waitresses and leaves them big tips from the money I work hard for. He has his own Web site and often comes across singers who want him to promote their music. He has had several love affairs over the Internet.

On our first anniversary, I found out he didn't tell a certain soprano he was married, and she had fallen in love with him. She hit the C above high C when I called to let her know WE had received her sexy pictures. She said Earl had asked her to marry him.

The most recent singer started calling him "Honey" and "Darling," and he was calling her "Sweetheart." She knew he was married. I don't know what lies he told her to make her believe he's available.

I would kick him out and divorce him, but he would die. I have to take care of Earl because his diabetes is so bad he can't walk. I am a nurse. I work away from home 14 days out of the month, 24-hour shifts. I love him, and it breaks my heart when he calls other women "Sweetheart." How can I break him of having these e-mail lovers?

Everything we own was mine before we married. All he had was an old pickup truck and his music. Why can't he appreciate me instead of using me? He says what does it hurt for him to have these affairs? He'll never meet them.

Please tell me what to do. He's committing fraud. And please warn Christian women not to believe every Christian man they meet on the Internet. Tell them to protect their hearts. -- MAXINE FROM TEXAS

DEAR MAXINE: You should heed your own advice, because it appears you and your husband are BOTH living in a fantasy world. He's no Christian, and he should not be operating under the mantle of any church. This man is using you because you allow it. He doesn't appreciate you because he has not, for one moment, thought beyond his own desires -- not with you or any of the women he has led on.

I can't change him and neither can you. You can, however, stop allowing him to take advantage of you. My advice is to get him out of your house and out of your life. If he can survive without you for 14 days out of the month, he won't die. He will find another gullible, good-hearted person to take over where you have left off.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: The FDA has asked me to remind you that pet turtles may be harmful to your children's health. Small turtles are a source of a disease called "salmonellosis" in humans. It's caused by salmonella bacteria, which occur naturally in turtles.

Symptoms may include diarrhea, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, fever and headache. Symptoms usually begin six to 72 hours after exposure, and generally last two to seven days.

Anyone can get salmonella infection, but the risk is highest in infants and young children, the elderly, and people with lowered natural resistance to disease due to pregnancy, cancer, chemotherapy, organ transplants, diabetes and liver problems.

Readers, if you or your children come into contact with, or handle turtles, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water. Sales of turtles with shells less than 4 inches in length have been banned in the United States since 1975 because of the public health impact of turtle-associated salmonellosis.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a shopaholic. I'm constantly shopping the department store sales and thrift shops. It's my "fix" when I'm feeling down or bored. It never used to be this bad. I purchase things and keep it secret from my husband. I don't just buy for me. I also buy for others. I am out of control. It has reached the point where I'm in the hole $4,800.

I never had nice things when I was young, and I tell myself I deserve them. It's like being on a diet and cheating -- I feel guilty every time I do it. The idea of cutting up my credit cards is threatening. I'm sad now, but I'd be really depressed if I had to. I pray every night to stop this cycle, but my prayers go unanswered because I'm not sincere.

I'm a lonely person with few friends. I'm scared and don't know where to turn. Please help me. I can't afford a therapist. -- FASHIONABLY LONELY IN NEW YORK

DEAR LONELY: Please pick up your phone and make an appointment to discuss this with your doctor. Some people become compulsive shoppers because the "rush" it gives them temporarily eases their chronic depression -- and from your letter, I am pretty sure you fall into that category. Medication can help, but it must be prescribed by a physician.

Debtors Anonymous is an international 12-step fellowship that provides mutual help in recovering from compulsive spending. If you contact this group, you will find it provides a phone support network as well as a newsletter, and the primary purpose of its members is to stay solvent and help other compulsive debtors achieve solvency. For more information, write Debtors Anonymous General Service Office, P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492, or visit the Web site at www.debtorsanonymous.org.

DEAR ABBY: My husband doesn't support anything I do anymore. He thinks I am always wrong, no matter what the situation is. He never takes my part in any circumstance. He took the neighbors' part after an argument that led to me calling the police. He told the neighbors that I was wrong to do it. He has made me look like a fool to the whole neighborhood.

He is always telling me what to do. I never get my way -- it is always his way or no way. I am thinking about leaving him, but I have nowhere to go. I have no job and no place to stay. We have a child together, so I have to provide for him, too. Do you think I have grounds to leave, or should I try to work things out? -- BEATEN DOWN IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: Make a list of your husband's bank account numbers, Social Security number, driver's license number and his assets. Get a job and start banking your wages in your name only. Then offer your husband the option of marriage counseling.

If he refuses, point out that it would be cheaper for him than alimony. If he still refuses, please consider some sessions with a counselor to figure out why you have tolerated living with someone like him for so long.

And by the way, your husband is required by law to support his child. An attorney can advise you about whether you have "grounds" to end the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: A friend asked me today if dancing with someone other than your partner is considered "cheating." What do you think? -- C.M. IN SCARBOROUGH, CANADA

DEAR C.M.: Dancing with someone other than your partner is not cheating. However, it is considered rude if your partner is left sitting alone.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)