DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and have recently quit my job of six years to return to college full time. My husband is working and supporting both of us for the next two years. We always paid for everything equally and shared household responsibilities, until now.

My question is, now that I am not "working," should I be expected to do all the housework, laundry, cooking, taking out the garbage, paying our bills, etc.? This is what the situation is right now.

Whenever I start to get annoyed or think about mentioning anything to my husband about sharing these duties, I remind myself how generous he is being. I would feel guilty if I said anything, since he is footing all the bills. Yet I am starting to resent being the maid. What do you think? -- LISA IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR LISA: The problem with harboring resentment is that it builds until the dam bursts, and then it is usually expressed inappropriately. In a sense, you and your husband are both "working." Therefore, I strongly recommend that you and he have an adult conversation about the household chores, and what a fair division of labor would be. He sounds like a doll, and I'm sure you can reach a fair agreement.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old. My brother, "Chris," died a month ago at the age of 16. He was killed by a drunk driver.

I would like to talk about the good times Chris and I had together, but people avoid the subject. If I bring it up, they either make an excuse to walk away or change the subject. Even my mom and dad won't talk about him! I know they're uncomfortable, but it makes me feel like no one cared about Chris.

Sometimes I get really depressed about it and almost suicidal. I am seeing a counselor, but it's not the same talking to a counselor as to your friend. How do I deal with these people? -- GRIEVING SISTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING SISTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm sure that being able to talk about your brother would make it easier to deal with the feelings you have about his death. However, your parents may be in too much pain themselves right now to talk about it without breaking down. And your friends may feel unable to handle the emotions you are experiencing.

Please tell your therapist that you would like him or her to recommend a grief support group that you can join. In these groups, everyone has suffered a loss –- and if you are willing to listen to them, they will also listen to you. It's not the same as confiding in your contemporaries, but you may find that you will make friends within the group.

DEAR ABBY: In replying to "Unofficial Stepmom in Texas" you concluded, "If you want to teach the children good morals and values, the way to do it is to stop nagging, set a good example, and refrain from making nasty comments about their 'trashy' mother."

Abby, that woman needs to heed the words of George Bernard Shaw: "If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example." -- ARTHUR IN MEMPHIS

DEAR ARTHUR: Well said. George Bernard Shaw was not only a wit, he was a very wise man. And so are you.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old single mom with a 5-year-old daughter. I have been seeing "Rhett," a wonderful, sweet man, for more than a year. I have fallen very much in love with him and he with me -- I think.

Ever since Rhett met my daughter, all the fun, romantic, serious stuff we used to talk about has flown out the window. Anytime I try to talk sexy or serious about our relationship, he acts uncomfortable and changes the subject to my daughter and how she's doing in school, what her interests are, how she's feeling, etc.

This may sound selfish, but I miss the "us" conversations Rhett and I used to have. I am a mother 24/7. I want my romance back! But I'm afraid if I broach the subject, I'll sound jealous.

I am thrilled that Rhett loves my daughter and I know, since he has never had kids, this is a novelty. But it's like the romance has turned into a relationship that's centered exclusively on my daughter. Of course, I want his concern and help in rearing her, but something tells me this isn't normal. Help! -- NOT SELFISH IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOT SELFISH: The "something" that's telling you his behavior isn't normal is your intuition. Please pay attention to your feelings because they are trying to convey something important.

By all means, raise the subject with Rhett, and don't beat around the bush. As it stands your romance is dead in the water. He may have hang-ups about being romantically involved with a woman who has given birth -- or his preoccupation with your daughter could be sexual.

P.S. If your daughter has not already been made aware of the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, she is old enough now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 86 years old. My husband died six months ago, after 60 wonderful years of marriage.

As I have been mourning and reliving our life together, my 50-year-old daughter -- my only child -- has informed me that when she was a teenager her father molested her often and raped her one week before her marriage "so she wouldn't be inexperienced," he said. She told me the molestation went on for two years before the rape. (She married at 18.)

Why did she have to tell me now? She says it is because she could no longer stand me talking about how "wonderful" he was. Now my heart is broken, and all I want to do is die.

Why would someone want to ruin your memories after all this time? Wouldn't it have been better to have left me with my illusion than ruin what life I have left? -- HEARTBROKEN IN DENVER

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Better for whom? Your daughter has already tried to answer your question. After all those years of keeping quiet, what broke the camel's back was listening to you idealize your husband. What I don't understand is why your daughter kept silent so long, when she should have told you what was happening when she was 16 -- or told the police what happened when she was 18.

Please don't think I'm heartless, but you and your daughter will both be better off if you try to see your husband as less of a saint and more of a fallible human being, and forgive each other.

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DEAR ABBY: I am in my 60s. My first husband, "Seymour," and I divorced more than 30 years ago. For the last several years, every time I see him, he makes several attempts to "touch" me in some way. Seymour insists on hugging me hello and goodbye, and also tries to kiss me on the mouth. I do not encourage him in any way.

I try to avoid him when the family gathers, but Seymour comes up behind me and attempts to "sneak one in." He will use any situation to touch me in some way. If I reach for a spoon on the buffet table, he will grab my hand and squeeze it.

Seymour and I have both remarried, and my present husband, "Michael," and I are very happy –- thank you very much. But Seymour won't leave me alone. I'm always stressed out when he's around. It is impossible to enjoy myself feeling I always have to keep looking over my shoulder.

Seymour has been invited into our home a few times, for family parties involving the grandchildren. When he comes he adopts a proprietary air and acts as if he is the homeowner. Michael can't stand to be in the same room with him, and I have to watch that situation closely, too.

I have considered having Michael approach Seymour at the next party and ask him to keep his hands off me. But I'm afraid it might lead to an altercation, as Seymour is very confrontational. The reason I left him in the first place was because he was both physically and verbally abusive.

Seymour has told me he still loves me and is sorry for the past. I responded by telling him thank you for apologizing, but I felt his affection was misplaced and should be directed toward his new wife.

Aside from excluding myself from family situations that I know Seymour will be attending, what's my alternative? -- OLDER AND WISER

DEAR OLDER AND WISER: Your ex-husband's behavior could be classified as creepy. After all this time, he is still trying to assert control over you. Talk to Seymour's new wife and tell her how uncomfortable her husband's harassment makes you –- because harassment is what it is.

If that doesn't put an end to it, the next time Seymour grabs you, treat him as you would any other stranger who tried to assault you. Say, "Don't touch me. I don't like it!" And if he persists after that, the person who should be excluded from the family gatherings is Seymour -– not you.

DEAR ABBY: I need some help. The guy I live with, "Arnold," doesn't want to get married, but I do. We have been together for 19 years. What should I do?

Also, I don't love Arnold like I did. Should I try to get back with my first love or what? (It's my former husband.) We were married eight years and had three kids. They are all grown now. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: If marriage is what you really want, then you have already devoted far more time than you should have to Arnold. Because you no longer love him as you did, the time has come to make other living arrangements and go on with your life.

If you still care for your former husband, once you are on your own I see no harm in contacting him. However, a lot of water has drifted under the bridge over the last 19 years –- so don't bet that he's still available.

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