DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I made a visit to a city larger than the one in which I currently reside and encountered a problem I have never had before.

I was in a women's restroom when a man wearing a wig walked in. It was obvious that this 6-footer, with a large Adam's apple, deep husky voice, dressed in a floral print dress and high heels, was a man.

Should a transvestite be allowed to use the ladies' restroom? And if sex change surgery was performed, are there any visible signs? -- BEWILDERED IN ADA, OKLA.

DEAR BEWILDERED: There is a difference between a transvestite (someone who feels compelled to wear the clothing of the opposite sex) and a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels trapped in the body of the wrong sex. Before a transsexual is allowed to have gender reassignment surgery, he or she must live for one year in the role of someone of the opposite sex. This includes using the restroom facilities of the opposite gender. It is not against the law, and it was no threat to you. (And it was probably safer for the pre-op transsexual than using the men's room would have been.)

When sex change surgery is performed, the surgeons have perfected their technique to such a degree that it can be difficult, if not impossible, to tell that it has been done.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received the following invitation via the Internet:

"You are all cordially invited to a

"WEDDING SHOWER FOR

"Tristan" and "Isolde"

"at 222 Valentine Court

"On July 25 from 1-5 p.m.

"Tristan and Issy are registered at:

"Pier One, Costco and Target

"Come and bring a friend! Tell everyone else you know as well, because I only had a few e-mail addresses. Thanks and God bless!"

Maybe casual is "in," but I still believe we should observe some of the rules of etiquette, don't you? I thought this was really rude and tacky, and your comments would be appreciated. -- CRYSTAL IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR CRYSTAL: Where I come from, showers are warm, intimate, personal gatherings where friends come together to give gifts and good wishes to the people being honored. The "invitation" you received had all the personal warmth of a casting call for extras in a historical epic -– and I don't blame you for being turned off.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem ridiculous, but it's true. My fiance and I are about to break up over his cologne. I'm allergic to it and other manufactured scents. He insists he "must" use it.

I have concluded it's about his disrespect for my needs. He says I am being unreasonable. Where do we go from here? -- MILLIE IN MIAMI

DEAR MILLIE: You and your fiance need to go for a consultation with the doctor who is treating you for your allergies, which are nothing to be sneezed at. Your fiance's attitude may not be about disrespect as much as woeful ignorance about how severe these kinds of allergies can be. Allergy sufferers exposed to certain chemicals have been known to have severe, life-threatening reactions. If, after discussing this with your doctor, your fiance still feels you are being "unreasonable," then you may indeed need to break the engagement.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Wondering in Eau Claire, Wis." (June 5), who asked about proper attire at funerals: In modern times black is generally the approved color for mourning, white caskets are still customary for children, and purple is used to designate death and mourning for royalty and many Christian groups.

However, in medieval times it was believed that black should be worn to funerals so that the spirit of the deceased couldn't recognize the family or friends and follow them home.

My opinion: Wear any color you choose, as long as you go. -- R.G.K., FUNERAL DIRECTOR, GREENVILLE, TENN.

DEAR R.G.K.: I couldn't wait to share your tidbit about the origin of the tradition of wearing black at funerals. It reminds me of another tradition from the Middle Ages -- saying "God bless you!" when someone sneezes because it was believed that when one sneezed, the soul left the body and could be "snatched" by an evil spirit. And bless my readers for sharing the choices about what they wore at the funerals of their loved ones:

DEAR ABBY: When my mother passed away a year ago, I couldn't bring myself to wear a somber color to her funeral. I wore an ivory pantsuit. Wearing a color other than black or gray helped me get through that already more than somber day. -- WENDY IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, Dave, often wore bright Aloha (Hawaiian) shirts. When he died at 55, we buried him in one. A few hours before his funeral, one of his daughters mentioned that she had considered wearing an Aloha shirt to the service. She almost didn't mention it for fear of offending someone. But Dave's wife, his other daughters and I all agreed -- we had to wear Aloha shirts.

We tried to get the word out, but reached only a portion of the attendees. Half the guests wore Aloha shirts. Anyone who knew my brother understood we were honoring him by breaking with tradition.

My one regret was that we didn't contact the minister. He later assured us that if we had thought to call him, he would have worn one, too. -- CRAIG C., ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: These days, hardly anyone wears black to funerals. I have attended five funerals over the past year or so. Three were for bikers, and their friends came dressed accordingly. Also, my religion dictates that at funerals, one should wear green or sage, as those are the colors associated with the crossing over of the spirit. -- KRISTI, ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: That letter brought back a vivid memory for me. My father died of lung cancer in 1987. The last time I visited him at the hospital, I wore a blue silk dress. His last words to me were, "You look so beautiful in that dress! I love you."

He passed nine days before his 61st birthday, and I wore the blue silk dress to his funeral. I still treasure it. -- "LOVE IS BLUE" IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When my husband died after a debilitating illness, I asked all family members to wear white to celebrate his release from a long, sad illness. Here in Alabama, many funerals are celebrations of the beginning of a new and better life. People wear clothes of many colors. Their respect and care for the family are demonstrated by their presence at the funeral. -- ROSEMARY IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: After my father's funeral, I could tell you who was there, but not what one single person was wearing. Sometimes what you wear doesn't matter. The respect people show outweighs everything else. -- LINDA T., HARRISON, N.Y.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I hardly know how to put this into words. It is so difficult. Recently, my husband's college roommate came to visit us. These men are in their 40s, Abby. My son, who is 16, heard them talking out on the patio about their life at college. Obviously, they had no clue he was near.

It seems that the two of them had sex with each other that continued during all the four years they were in college. Once he got an earful about their relationship, my son told me he stopped listening.

As far as I know, this visit was the first in 10 years. I never for one moment would have suspected this. It has frightened me in so many ways, and now I need to discuss the situation with my son and my husband and control the damage. However, my son refuses and is pretending now that it's not important.

How do I handle this? We are simple people, Abby, just plain people with a real problem. Can you help me? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your son may have stopped listening, but he knew what he heard was important enough that he came and told you. People have been known to "experiment" with their sexuality in college, but a four-year affair goes beyond experimentation.

You need to find out if your husband has continued his bisexual activity since college. If he has, you need to contact your doctor and be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Once you know your health status, it will be time to ask your physician for a referral to a licensed family therapist who can help you discuss this with your husband and your son. For everyone's sake, it's important to do it as soon as possible.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for about eight years. Frankly, they stayed married too long. They made me and my siblings miserable with their constant fighting. Mom finally left my father, and although Dad tried to win her back, she went through with the divorce.

Dad is now happily remarried, and Mom lives with her boyfriend. My children love their new step-grandmother, "Ellen," and they also love my mother's boyfriend.

I have never invited Dad to any of my children's birthday parties (my oldest will be 10 next month) because I invite my mother. However, I really like Ellen, and when my 5-year-old insisted I send invitations to her grandfather and Ellen, I didn't hesitate.

My mother is extremely selfish and self-centered. She doesn't want Ellen to have any kind of relationship with "her" grandchildren. She has already called Ellen and told her so in not-so-nice words.

How can I break it to Mom that my daughter wants everyone there? After all, it's her special day. I'm glad my dad is happy. I like Ellen, and my children love her. I have reached the end of my rope with my mother, but I'm not sure how to express my feelings. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Tell your mother that in this day of blended families, you are no longer willing to choose sides. Explain that you and the kids would love to have her share these milestone occasions with you, but their grandfather and his wife are part of the extended family and will be included. If she doesn't like it, then it is her privilege not to attend -- but if she goes that route, she'll only be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)