DEAR ABBY: Wow. This is a first for me, but I do need advice. I have been married 36 years to a wonderful man, and we have a great family. What is bothering me is we had to move out of state 20 years ago, leaving all our friends and some family behind. We have made several trips back to visit, and I saw my very best friend, "Sally," whom I missed badly. But Sally has never once come to visit me. Not once.

She tells me about her vacations here and there. Sometimes she has gone right past our city, but never stopped. I hear from her off and on, and it can be a year before she makes contact. Then it is like she misses me so much and wishes we could get together. She has even asked us to stop by on our next trip up there.

It hurts me that Sally has never made an effort. Through the years I have asked her numerous times why she has never visited us, and she avoids answering the questions.

Should I stay in contact with her even though it hurts, or conclude that we have grown apart and say goodbye? This is really important to me, Abby, so please respond. -- KAREN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR KAREN: When you and "Sally" were separated geographically, life went on for your friend in a way that it didn't for you. She made other friends and developed other interests, while you clung to her. This does not make Sally a bad person -- and it's not an "all or nothing" situation.

I see no reason to end a longtime relationship because Sally hasn't worked as hard at keeping it going as you have. If you enjoy her when you do have contact, that would be cutting your nose off to spite your face. But for your own sake, it is important that you put this into perspective. When people are separated, sometimes they grow apart. And it appears that's what happened with you and Sally.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it important to go to school? My mom always tries to get me to go, but I don't want to. She has been having me go to some therapist at Youth and Family Service. I don't like it taking up my whole summer.

Also, I have to repeat sixth grade because of my missing school. I mean, I'm not going to need any of the stuff they teach. -- CONFUSED IN WESTBROOK, CONN.

DEAR CONFUSED: Attending school is important because basic skills are being taught that you will need when you are a little older, just to get by. A knowledge of math, English, social studies, history and civics are necessary in order to become a fully functional citizen and fit into society.

The question you should be asking isn't, "Why is it important to go to school?" but rather, "Why was I so unwilling to go that I now must repeat a grade?" If you are having trouble with the other children, help is available through counseling. If you need extra help with the work, there are special teachers who can help you. But first you have to be honest about what is the real problem.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, when I have gone shopping, I have noticed stores are selling games that encourage binge drinking among college kids and others.

Why have shot glasses as pieces of games like checkers, tic-tac-toe, Chutes and Ladders, etc. to encourage drinking? -- MARCIA IN L.A.

DEAR MARCIA: Because they sell. And they sell because some people naively think that drinking to excess is "fun" or makes them appear more sophisticated than they really are.

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DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter, "Jessica," is mature for her age and a straight-A student. She is entering her freshman year of high school. She is an avid reader, and I have recently found cause to be concerned about what she's reading.

Abby, Jessica is reading adult romance novels that feature what I consider to be content that is too mature and erotic for a child her age to read. I have told her to stop buying them, but I know she's still sneaking them into the house because I found some when I went into her room to clean.

What should I do? I'm uncomfortable about her reading this type of material. What will it do to her future relationships and her judgment of what's acceptable and not acceptable in those relationships?

We have argued over this. Jessica says there is nothing in the books that she didn't already know about, and having learned about sex and relationships in school, there is no reason why she shouldn't be allowed to read what she wants.

Is she right? Am I being overprotective? Or will her current reading choices cause future problems? -- NERVOUS IN BERNARDSVILLE, N.J.

DEAR NERVOUS: Your letter reminded me of the days of my youth when our housekeeper used to loan me the True Romance magazines she kept stashed underneath her bed. My mother might not have approved, but most people seem to think I turned out all right.

Literature may have become more risque than years ago, but these days the chances of sheltering your "mature, straight-A student" are slim. Rather than censor her reading, stress to her that if she has any questions about anything she can come to you for straight answers. (You could also keep the channels of communication open by asking her to lend you the books when she's finished reading them.)

Some might argue that the idealized depiction of romance, and women being "rescued" by powerful, wealthy men, is more worrisome than the sex and eroticism. However, if you are raising your daughter to respect feminist principles, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 and in college. I have been dating "Andy" for two years. He is also a college student and somewhat of an introvert.

Two years ago, Andy's parents gave him a video game for Christmas. There is a monthly payment to play it. Well, Andy got hooked. He has spent thousands of hours on this game. When he crawls out of bed in the morning, the first thing he does is go to his computer to "check things." He plays many hours a day.

It was OK in the beginning. I thought that I'd rather see him at home playing games than out getting into trouble with some other girl, but it has gone too far. Andy is 21 and he needs to get a job. His parents have told him so, over and over. But all his energy gets devoted to the game, and very little into looking for employment or even being social.

Many people have expressed their frustration with his gaming so much, but to no avail. Should I talk to Andy's parents about how bad it has become and suggest that maybe they stop paying for it? By continuing to do so they are only enabling him. Or should I let them figure it out on their own? -- WORRIED SICK IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: By all means you should bring this to the attention of Andy's parents. It appears their son has become addicted to the "rush" he gets from playing the video game, and he may need professional intervention to overcome it.

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DEAR ABBY: About a month ago, I was shocked out of my shoes. My longtime friend, "Orville," told me he had bought $280 worth of women's clothes. He went on to describe how "great" it feels to wear them. He says he has been a cross-dresser since boyhood when he started wearing his sister's clothes. When she found out, she continued dressing him up and he loved it.

Orville says he's a woman trapped in a man's body -- something about brain lobes. I saw it once in the newspaper, but didn't read it because I wasn't interested.

Orville has told a lot of his friends and now he is isolated. I don't go over there either, because I don't want to hear it. (He even said I should try it.) We are in our 60s, and I think Orville is headed for trouble. I just can't believe he is gay. I am heterosexual (when I get the chance). Does he need a shrink? Please advise. -- SHOCKED IN OKEECHOBEE, FLA.

DEAR SHOCKED: Feeling that one is trapped in the body of someone of the opposite sex does not make the person "gay." It means he or she is a transsexual. Your friend needs understanding, not isolation.

By all means he should see a psychiatrist -- one who specializes in gender disorders. He should have counseling if he wants to take this where it is heading, and also to cope with the loss of his friends. It would be a kindness to tell him that.

DEAR ABBY: We always have a large birthday party for my 8-year-old daughter every year. We hold the party later in the evening when we know people can come if it falls on a weekday because of work.

My sister returned to college this year, and I knew she could not come because she had a class that evening. So I asked my husband if we should have the party on another day or on the weekend. He said, "No, we're having it on her birthday in the evening, and if they can't come, they can see her at a later date." He said, what if they can't come on the weekend either? So the party stayed the same.

Football started that night for my other sister and her son, and my husband's sister had to work late. I feel like a heel! I agree that I don't want my daughter's party to be a week or two after her birthday, and I don't want to combine mine with hers, since they are two days apart. What do you think about this? Couldn't they miss one event to come to a party? -- BRENDA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR BRENDA: The type of parties you have described are more for adults than for children. It is more important that your little girl be able to enjoy her birthday with some of HER friends than it be a command performance for your sisters. Please consider this next year, because I don't think you are being fair to your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. I have been having this recurring dream that I am getting married to my boyfriend of four years, and every time I have the dream, I end up backing out of the wedding. In other words, I always panic and run away. What does this dream mean? -- DREAMER IN BIRCHLEAF, VA.

DEAR DREAMER: I'm no expert in dreams, but to me, your dream means that on some level you're not fully committed to marrying your boyfriend. Pay attention to it because that's something that you should examine with both eyes open, in the clear light of day.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)