DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," and I have been married 35 relatively happy years and have raised two successful daughters.

For the past 10 years we have been friendly with a couple I'll call "Ted" and "Alice." They have been married for about 12 years -- it's the second marriage for both of them.

It seems like whenever we get together, Alice manages to bring up the subject of sex. In the past I'd ignore it, but the last time it happened, she began talking about how Ted had taken pictures of her after sex. Then she stared at Bob and asked, "Would you like to see them?" Abby, my husband responded, "Sure!"

At that point I lost it. I told Bob his response was extremely rude and showed no concern for my feelings. Everyone tried to make light of what happened, but I feel I was right. I realize that Alice may have an issue, but was I wrong to state my feelings? -- CAROL IN STATEN ISLAND

DEAR CAROL: You were right to make your feelings known, but your anger should have been aimed at Alice, not your curious spouse. If I had to guess, I'd say Alice and Ted probably have an open marriage, and they have been trying to "enlist" you and Bob for some time. Unless this is your cup of tea -- which I doubt -- wake up and cool it with this "adventurous" couple.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 23-year-old daughter I'll call "Whitney." She got pregnant five years ago, dropped out of school, and moved in with her boyfriend, "Tim." They are now a family with my granddaughter.

Three years ago, Whitney and Tim mentioned having a wedding and splitting the cost three ways -- between Tim's parents, me and them. (I was OK with a small, simple wedding.) Then, two years ago, they decided to elope with no one invited except Tim's parents.

Now Whitney has decided she wants a large wedding with 300 guests, most of whom are Tim's family and friends, along with her father's family. She says she doesn't "feel" married without walking down the aisle as a bride and her father giving her away. (Her father and I are divorced.)

Abby, my family lives halfway across the country. Only my son and I would be attending. The problems started when I told Whitney that I would not fund this expensive affair and that she is already married -- plus, I was not invited to her first wedding.

This has created a rift between us, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel it's right to fund a second wedding. I offered her a week at a resort for a honeymoon. She refused my offer and has disowned me. What should I do? -- QUESTIONING IN NEW YORK

DEAR QUESTIONING: Your daughter appears to have an unusually inflated sense of entitlement. Nowhere is it written that a parent is obligated to fund an extravaganza like the one she has in mind. A first wedding is a gift that some parents give to their children. However, your daughter chose to elope. The fact that Tim's parents were invited while you were excluded should be a clue as to how you rate with her.

Your offer to treat Whitney and her husband to a second honeymoon was generous under the circumstances. You are her mother, not her personal piggy bank. I hope you will stick to your guns and not permit her to blackmail you -- because that is exactly what she is trying to do.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am concerned for my sister, "Sharon." She has been divorced for four years and hasn't been able to find a decent man.

Sharon is 42, has a good job and is intelligent. Recently, she brought "Rick" to our family reunion. We were all impressed with this handsome, well-educated professional man.

Well, she recently confided that Rick has been married four times, and if that wasn't enough to deter her, she also said he had served time in jail for molesting his 6-year-old daughter. Our family is in an uproar!

Sharon doesn't seem to think this is an issue because her sons are all grown. We have all told her that we don't want him around.

I'm so worried for my sister. How desperate must she be to have a man in her life to settle for a child molester? What should we do? Can child molesters be rehabilitated? -- SICKENED SISTER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SICKENED SISTER: My experts have told me that although child molesters "can" be rehabilitated, the success rate is very low. If your sister marries this man, he should not be allowed to be around minor children, including grandchildren, nieces, nephews and neighborhood children. Indeed, as a condition of his release from prison, he may not be allowed to be.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my dad got the promotion to a job he always dreamed of, we got rich. We moved to a different city, a better neighborhood and a nicer house. We live next door to an even richer family. They are very snobbish. Nevertheless, my mom thinks they are "perfect."

My mom is always trying to set up play dates with these neighbors' creepy son, "Jared." Jared is a bad kid. He is racist and lies to his parents all the time. What should I do? Every time I tell my mom, she says I need to "extend" myself. But I can't stand only being friends with Jared because our mothers are friends. -- FAKING IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.

DEAR FAKING: If you are living in a nicer house in a better neighborhood, it should follow that you are also attending a "better" school. Surely there are extracurricular activities offered at your school that would give you an opportunity to interact with other kids -- and therefore have less time to "play" with Jared. That's what I'm advising you to look into.

In spite of his financial advantages, he appears to be a troubled, unhappy and angry boy who might benefit from counseling. And you should not be spending all your time with just one "friend," if you can be part of a larger crowd.

DEAR ABBY: I spend lots of time and money on my flower garden. While I'm outside working, it is not unusual for complete strangers to stop and ask me for plants and bulbs. Believe it or not, three women were even brazen enough to ring my doorbell.

It is one thing to share flowers with friends and family -- but with people I don't even know? Please give me a clever response to these nervy individuals. -- APPALLED IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR APPALLED: You should count yourself lucky that these "nervy individuals" are asking for the plants and not pinching them. Sadly, I have heard from other frustrated horticulturalists whose gardens have been denuded by people who simply helped themselves.

As to what to say to people who ring your bell asking for plants, rather than being put off, why not give them the name and address of the nursery where you buy your own? That's what I'd do -- unless I offered them a cutting so they could root their own plants.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I'm not sure who else to ask. I'm 22, in college, and I'm tired of having to defend what I want to do with my life. My major is liberal arts. I chose it only because I have no passion for any specific area.

When family or friends ask what my major is and I tell them, they generally come back with something about majoring in "unemployment" or making sure I have a "backup plan" in case I don't find a rich husband.

Abby, all I want is to be a mother to my future children and a wife to my husband. I'm tired of defending myself, and I'm beginning to think my desires are not normal. What can I say to people when they question me, and is what I want normal? -- UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR UNSURE: What you want is very normal. And the fact that you will complete your college education instead of settling for an "MRS" degree is good insurance for the future.

But keep in mind that although your dream is to be a stay-at-home mother and wife, not everyone who marries winds up living that kind of life. Widowhood, divorce or a spouse's illness can change those plans in a flash and land a woman in the workplace -- where, by the way, a college degree and the breadth of knowledge you're acquiring in liberal arts will help you to succeed. Explain that the next time you are challenged.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother loves to shop, and she spends a pretty penny buying us grandkids all kinds of gifts -- mostly clothes and shoes. But my grandmother is decades older than we are, and her sense of style leaves much to be desired.

We accept graciously, then usually donate her gifts to Goodwill, hoping that an older person might buy them and enjoy them. A problem has come up, though. Last night, Grandma e-mailed to ask for one of her gifts -- a pair of shoes -- back!

Abby, I gave those shoes away two weeks ago. This morning, I searched at Goodwill, hoping to buy them back, with no luck. What do I tell my grandmother? I know she'll be furious -- and I'm afraid she'll ask about all the other gifts, most of which I don't have either. -- "BUSTED" IN TEXAS

DEAR "BUSTED": I have a strong suspicion that your grandmother already is onto you -- which is why she asked you to return the shoes. Because you have been put into a corner, the best advice I can offer is to level with her and tell her exactly what you have told me. (If you do, she may send you a check from now on.)

However, if she gets mad, remind her that once a gift is given, it is the recipient's to do with as she wishes, and in giving the gifts to Goodwill you wanted to be sure someone got pleasure from using them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's co-worker died recently in a tragic accident. We're going to be attending a memorial service for him very soon. Because I never met this man, nor was I ever introduced to his wife or family, I am not sure what would be proper for me to say to the grieving family members -- or if I should let my husband express our sympathies since he was acquainted with him.

Thank you for any advice you can offer. -- ANONYMOUS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ANONYMOUS: If you have a chance to converse directly with the widow or family members, all you need to say is, "Please accept my sympathy for your loss." It's short, sweet, eloquent and honest. And it would be better than standing mute while your husband does all the talking.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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