DEAR ABBY: My husband and I find ourselves in a situation that, in our wildest dreams, we wouldn't have believed could happen. We have four married, happy and successful children.

One son-in-law, "Guy," chooses to work "under the table" jobs and has never had a steady income. Although they have a son, Guy chooses not to provide care for the boy when he's not working. In his words, "taking care of kids is not my thing." For reasons we don't understand and no longer question, our daughter dotes on the man and apparently has no qualms about supporting him. All this time, we have gritted our teeth and let them make their own decisions, believing this is their choice and none of our business.

Guy has now decided that his purpose in life is to be a "skinhead." He has plastered his vehicle with racist slogans. My husband and I are sickened by his actions and have told our daughter we will not allow her husband to display his beliefs on our property. She knows we believe that racism is an abomination, yet she stands by him because she loves him.

We, of course, fear that our grandson will be indoctrinated into his father's beliefs. Also, our extended family embraces various ethnic backgrounds and religious beliefs that we now know our son-in-law hates. How should this situation be handled? -- BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED

DEAR BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED: Cross your fingers and count your blessings. Because your son-in-law feels that taking care of kids is "not his thing," his influence on your grandson may be less than you fear. While a child might mimic the behavior of a parent who spends time with him, I'm not sure the same is true of a child whose parent ignores him.

It is clear from your letter that you are very uncomfortable around your son-in-law. The reverse might also be true. Your beliefs are so different from his that he, too, might like to keep contact at a minimum. If that's the case, you're home free. But continue to welcome your daughter and grandson.

If the boy starts spouting any of his father's racist dogma, personalize it for him. Example: "We don't feel like that in this house. Surely you don't feel that way about Uncle John or Aunt Sally or your cousins. They love you, and you know better than that!" It might start your grandson thinking independently or even make him ashamed. And that's the goal.

DEAR ABBY: Six weeks after my wedding, I was asked by my husband's mother and sister to lend my wedding gown to a neighbor friend of theirs, a stranger to me. I feel a wedding gown is a very personal item, and frankly, their request shocked me. I told my in-laws I would need to think about it, but I really do not want to lend the dress. It was very expensive, and I spent a lot of time looking for just the right one.

I feel hurt to have been placed in such an awkward position. I would like to decline, but I don't want to make any waves. My husband understands how I feel and says he'll support me no matter what I decide. Please tell me what to do. -- RELUCTANT NEWLYWED IN OHIO

DEAR RELUCTANT: I agree the request is presumptuous, particularly since you don't even know the woman who would be wearing your wedding gown. You are under no obligation to agree. Simply tell your in-laws that, rather than lending such a sentimental keepsake, you prefer to save it for the daughter you may have one day. You don't owe them a further explanation than that.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old female who has been in numerous relationships in the past. All ended with my being unfaithful or having an overwhelming desire to be. I can't seem to maintain a relationship for more than a short period of time due to this.

I recently sat down and admitted to myself that I am practicing sexually destructive behavior. I know what I'm doing is just plain crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I did some research on sexual addiction and have considered attending meetings to help me get this under control.

The problem is, I told a (male) friend of mine about my problem. It was someone I care about and had a previous relationship with. I was shocked by his response. He said maybe my problem is I've been trying to stifle my desires and I should explore them more -- by attending sex parties with him! Was that an appropriate response? Frankly, it took me aback. I don't know who else to ask about this, as I have not confided in anyone else. Should I cut him out of my life or forgive his ignorance? -- LOST IN TEXAS

DEAR LOST: Cross this "friend" off your list immediately. Instead of supporting you, he is attempting to take advantage of your illness. You had it right the first time. Joining a group that will help you to overcome your compulsion will be a giant step toward healing. Please don't wait, and don't look back!

DEAR ABBY: I am 46 and the mother of two adult children, ages 27 and 29. I am on disability because of multiple sclerosis (MS). I am doing well, but I'm weak and tire easily, and it's important that I avoid stress. Both my parents died within the last five years.

My kids know I inherited money from my parents, and they throw it in my face when I don't pay for things for them. My married daughter believes it is my responsibility to provide money for her to go to college. She has been very nasty to me, including vicious name-calling and screaming. Each phone call ends in a request for money. Now she's refusing me access to my grandkids, and even drove to my house to rip their picture from my walls.

Abby, I have been on disability for several years. I need the money to take care of me. What do you think about adult children who hate me for inheriting? I have no intention of giving into the strong-arm tactics of a married woman. -- HURT IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR HURT: Good! Because you shouldn't. Neither of your children has a "right" to a penny of your money -- particularly in light of the fact that you need it for your own support. As to your daughter's outrageous behavior, has she always behaved like this? If so, remember this is the core of her personality. Giving her money won't change it.

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever written you, but I'd like your opinion about something. Do you think that good and moral qualities in a person are taught, instilled, or just come naturally to people? I'm talking about things like honesty, optimism, sincerity, tidiness, consideration, charity, fairness, etc. -- CURIOUS IN TEHACHAPI, CALIF.

DEAR CURIOUS: I believe the qualities you mentioned are taught, modeled by parents who set examples for their children to follow. And they are instilled when a child is very young.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: On Thursday, Aug. 24, I printed a letter from "Going Crazy in San Diego," the 26-year-old wife of a member of the military. In it she stated that she had never wanted children, had failed to bond with her baby girl, and that her husband refused to allow her to be placed for adoption -- although he "couldn't stand" the baby, either.

She said that she was afraid she might hurt her infant. Her letter was handwritten on ruled binder paper, with no contact information such as name, address or phone number.

If that young woman is reading today's Dear Abby column, please write me again at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or www.DearAbby.com. Please give me a number where I can reach you, and trust me enough to let me help you. Your confidence will not be violated.

Through the entire history of Dear Abby, including the many years I worked beside my mother, we have never received offers of help from our readers like those generated by this young woman's letter. Readers, your outpouring of love and concern has been overwhelming. I have received letters and e-mails from men and women nationwide saying this young mother's predicament brought them to tears.

Childless couples and women wanting to expand their families have described their "arms aching" to adopt this child and give her the loving home she deserves. Women in the San Diego area have volunteered to provide respite care, baby-sitting services and emotional support.

William Fenton, chief of clinical services of the Fleet and Family Support Center in San Diego, wrote to say that help is available from the New Parent Support Team, which provides in-home assistance and counseling in many areas. These services are free and can be accessed by contacting the FFSC at the nearest naval base.

Navy families can also get assistance by contacting their sailor's command ombudsman or by contacting Military One Source at 1-800-342-9647 -- 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I also heard from Tracey L. Jones, the team leader for the Navy New Parent Support Home Visitation Program in San Diego. She asked me to let "Going Crazy" know that her staff and colleagues have a unique understanding of the stresses that come with military life and that they will make every effort to help her and her husband. Tracey can be reached at (619) 556-8825 and tracey.l.jones@navy.mil.

What struck me the most about this young woman's letter is how completely isolated she feels. Motherhood can be a challenge, even when the baby is wanted. Overwhelmingly, my readers have asked me to convey to her that help is available if she only reaches out for it.

Many communities have emergency nurseries for parents in crisis. A new mother who feels she has reached the breaking point should contact her clergyperson or child protective services.

Many states, including California, allow a newborn to be left at a fire station, hospital or police station if he or she is in danger -- or if the mother is a danger to herself.

I want to thank the many thousands of my readers who wrote to me with offers to help for "Going Crazy." You are the most warm-hearted friends I could wish for. If the young woman in San Diego contacts me again, I promise to let you know. -- LOVE, ABBY

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)