DEAR ABBY: You told "Nervous in Bernardsville, N.J." (9/2), whose daughter reads romance novels, that "some might argue that the idealized depiction of romance and women being 'rescued' by powerful, wealthy men is more worrisome than the sex and eroticism." It is clear from that statement that you haven't read one yourself in a long time.

Abby, the historical "bodice rippers" and the contemporary "doctor-nurse/millionaire-secretary" plotlines of the 1970s and 1980s long ago gave way to stories about independent, professional women who insist that men meet them on their own terms. (Not to say that this doesn't lead to increased sexual tension, but the point is, it is tension between two equals, not an alpha figure and a doormat.) "Nervous Mom" would be surprised to discover that her daughter is not just reading about romance and sex; she might also be acquiring strong, independent, feminist role models between those pages. -- NANCY BUTLER, ROMANCE WRITER, ROSCOE, N.Y.

DEAR NANCY: You're right. I have been so busy reading the mail that comes pouring into my office each week that it has been decades since I've had the time to delve into a romance novel. (Sob!) I heard from other romance writers who echoed your message, including Sharon Mignerey, Arlene James, Joy Nash, Cheryl Norman and P.C. Cast.

One writer conceded, however, that the romances she writes are "essentially sexual fantasies" containing graphic descriptions "of things I cannot mention in a family newspaper ... definitely written with the adult reader in mind." Her name is Kate Douglas, and her point -- with which I agree -- was that parents do need to be aware of what their children are reading. (And that includes on computers.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion to borrow the book after the daughter reads it was a start, but I believe the mother should be more proactive. What about the novels attracts her daughter? Because, believe me, the intimacy aspect is only a small part of it. Perhaps the mother could explore the genre, find authors whose characters are more in line with her own views, and suggest those to her daughter. They could have a lively discussion of character development, narratives, etc.

Keeping the communication going is the most important aspect of all. Forbidding her daughter to read romances will do nothing but drive the behavior underground. -- WYOMING READER

DEAR ABBY: I was around the same age when I came home from school and said my classmates were reading a "terrible" book. Mom said I should bring it home and we would both read it. Mother would read a chapter while I was at school, and then we would discuss the story. The other girls were reading the novel under their blankets, holding a flashlight. My mom used the book as a teaching tool. She would say, "That girl didn't handle that situation right. What she should have done was ..."

I no longer remember much about the book -- not even the title. But I had a close relationship with my mother, and I guess I turned out all right. Wasn't Bertha Chamberlin a smart lady? You may use our names. I'm proud of Mama. -- JANET E. BACON

DEAR ABBY: I discovered romantic fiction at the public library as a 14-year-old. I was normal, curious and shy around boys -- but nonetheless longed for romance and adventure. Those books were "spicy," but they filled that niche without any risk to my physical health or reputation. I lived vicariously through them and avoided getting into "real life" trouble because of it! -- NEVER PROMISCUOUS, ALWAYS A FEMINIST, IN DENVER

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DEAR ABBY: During the last few weeks, two young women I know have confided to me about similar situations with their boyfriends. Each said her boyfriend took her cell phone and went through her logged calls, voice messages and text messages, checking to see who she had talked to. Both young men were furious that the girls had contact with other male friends. Both incidents were frightening.

I am a middle-aged woman, and I don't feel I have an old-fashioned point of view. They asked my opinion about this, and I told them I'd never violate my husband's -- or boyfriend's or girlfriend's -- privacy by looking at mail personally addressed to them, going through their purse, wallet, checkbook or cell phone. I consider it a matter of respect and trust. Both young women claim that the calls and text messages were innocent.

What is your opinion about the privacy of cell phones and other personal items? -- CAROL IN FARIBAULT, MINN.

DEAR CAROL: Both of the boys you mentioned have serious control and insecurity issues, which could possibly lead to dating violence in the future. What they did was a huge invasion of privacy, and of enough concern to me that I question whether those relationships should continue.

As to that kind of thing happening in more mature relationships, if the level of trust has been so eroded that snooping is necessary, the relationship is already in serious trouble. Also, the person doing the snooping may be guilty of the cheating that he or she is obsessed with discovering. There's an old saying, "A person doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he (or she) has stood there in the past."

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Ellie," got a new puppy. The puppy was 10 weeks old and already named "Lizzy." Well, my other sister is named Elizabeth.

We live on opposite coasts and have very little contact with Elizabeth. It is only over the last year that we have really made an effort to stay in touch, mostly by e-mail. When Elizabeth heard that Ellie has a dog named Lizzy, she had a fit! Although we never called Elizabeth "Lizzy," it was part of her childhood nickname.

Elizabeth is insisting that the puppy's name be changed, and if it is not, she wants no contact regarding it. With most of the family here, including all of the nieces and nephews, I can see this leading to her refusing to visit -- which we have been trying to arrange for years. Is it fair for her to make this demand? -- UNSURE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

DEAR UNSURE: I can see why your sister might be sensitive about it, particularly if you haven't been close. In the interests of family harmony, call the dog "Izzy" or Dizzy" -- but don't call it "Lizzy."

DEAR ABBY: I was reading your online archives and saw that a few years ago you asked people to write in with funny names that matched people's occupations. Well, in case you ever want to print more, I took a class in college last year called "The Sociology of Men," and it was taught by Dr. Males. -- CATHY S., ATLANTA

DEAR CATHY: He's certainly aptly named. After that column appeared, I heard from Miss Hunger, a dietitian who was mentioned. She wanted me to know that she was a graduate of Stout University in Wisconsin. (No joke!)

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DEAR ABBY: I have a couple of issues with the answer you gave "Dumbfounded in San Jose" (8/16), the woman who discovered that her husband had a homosexual relationship in college 20 years ago. Had she discovered the relationship was with a woman, would you have advised her similarly?

You implied that, because he was bisexual, he is more inclined to be adulterous and unsafe. Being bi does not mean you necessarily have relationships with men and women, but that you can be attracted to and possibly have relationships with both sexes. You have perpetrated a stigma that homosexuals and bisexuals are unfaithful and unsafe. He has chosen to spend his life with her, so it's possible he has been faithful to that commitment. -- PHILADELPHIA READER

DEAR PHILADELPHIA READER: Let me refresh your memory. The man was overheard discussing the four-year affair he had with his college roommate when the man came to visit. They were overheard by his 16-year-old son. The wife would like to discuss it with her son and her husband "to control the damage" -- but the son "refuses and is now pretending it's not important."

I advised her that if her son didn't think it was important, he wouldn't have told her. I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.

In addition, I urged family counseling because the writer was unaware of her husband's prior sexual history and the news is bound to have an effect on their marriage -- and because their son may need reassurance and help working through this. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was appalled by your response to "Dumbfounded in San Jose." For many people, attraction is not necessarily about gender. It's about the other person. It's entirely possible that this homosexual affair was a one-time thing, based on a special attraction, and that the husband is not skulking around back alleys with other men. If so, he is not automatically an AIDS risk.

You should be fair and give this man, and his marriage, the benefit of the doubt before rushing to the emergency room. (And yes, I live "there," and maybe have been brainwashed by the evil homosexual underground into thinking there's more than one way to approach sexual orientation.) -- APPALLED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR APPALLED: Although it is possible that the four-year affair in college was a "one-time" thing, in my opinion "experimentation" is taking a nibble of the cake, not consuming the entire thing. And remember, this man kept it a secret from the woman he married. If there were no men carrying on clandestine affairs with other men while pretending to be strictly heterosexual, I wouldn't be concerned.

What I find extremely worrisome -- and it goes beyond the facts of this letter -- is that sexually transmitted diseases that could be prevented are rampant in this country because of ignorance. Sexually active seniors are getting AIDS because they think they're somehow exempt from having to take the same precautions young people do. Parents are refusing to have their daughters vaccinated against a virus that's linked to cervical cancer because they're afraid it will give them permission to have sex before marriage. (Has it not occurred to them that these girls can cross the altar as virgins and be infected by their husbands?) Men have unprotected sex with other men and call it something else.

Sometimes I ask myself if we're living in the United States or a State of Denial. My advice was the prudent thing to do.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)