DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 70s, and her health is deteriorating after a lifetime of alcohol abuse, smoking and other vices. She has been in and out of hospitals for different ailments over the last four years or so. The last few episodes have been the most worrisome, including breathing problems related to congestive heart failure.

The problem is, my mother chooses not to let most of her children know when she goes to the hospital. She's a very manipulative person from the alcoholism and drug abuse. She has her "favorites" who know everything -- while the rest of us are kept in the dark, even about life-threatening ER visits.

My sister, who is on Mom's favorites list and gladly plays along with this sick little game, doesn't have a problem with it, and we recently had a heated argument over it. I am not on the favorites list, as you might imagine. I keep my wife and children away from my mother as much as possible because of her repeated verbal and emotional abuse.

Abby, I am dreadfully scared that I'm not going to get to say goodbye to my mother when she finally dies. Please tell me what I can do to make sure it's not too late when it does happen. All I'm asking for is a courtesy phone call -- that's all. -- "PAUL" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PAUL: Please do not hold your breath waiting for a "courtesy phone call" that the odds are against your receiving. Your sister is sitting pretty just as things are, and your family dynamics are too entrenched and dysfunctional for significant changes at this point.

Rather than worrying about what is inevitably going to happen sooner or later, my advice is to take the bull by the horns and say goodbye to your mother now. If you can't do it in person, then do it in a letter -- which will guarantee you the last word. It is more important for you to get those feelings out than for your mother to "hear" them.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend's older sister, "Candy," was married last summer. At the last minute she asked me to fill in as a bridesmaid because her friend from out of town couldn't make it. I graciously accepted the offer, and also took over the bridal shower and bachelorette party. I spent a bundle on both parties and, of course, for the bridesmaid's dress, alterations, shoes, etc.

One month after the wedding, Candy moved out and left her husband. She is now seeing his best friend. Candy confided to me that she never really wanted to go through with the wedding in the first place because of her feelings for the best friend. I am beyond mad! I do not plan ever to speak to Candy again, but I'm conflicted because she's my best friend's sister.

I knew going into the wedding that it would be costly. But now, knowing all the facts, I feel betrayed and used. Are my feelings unreasonable? -- TICKED OFF IN TUCSON

DEAR TICKED OFF: Under the circumstances, your reaction is natural. But once you have cooled off, please try to be a little more forgiving. You have described a woman who is extremely immature. I'm sure she wasn't thinking about how her actions would affect you. She was probably afraid of how it would "look" if she canceled the wedding at the last minute -- which is what she should have done instead of creating this mess.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You told "Nervous in Bernardsville, N.J." (9/2), whose daughter reads romance novels, that "some might argue that the idealized depiction of romance and women being 'rescued' by powerful, wealthy men is more worrisome than the sex and eroticism." It is clear from that statement that you haven't read one yourself in a long time.

Abby, the historical "bodice rippers" and the contemporary "doctor-nurse/millionaire-secretary" plotlines of the 1970s and 1980s long ago gave way to stories about independent, professional women who insist that men meet them on their own terms. (Not to say that this doesn't lead to increased sexual tension, but the point is, it is tension between two equals, not an alpha figure and a doormat.) "Nervous Mom" would be surprised to discover that her daughter is not just reading about romance and sex; she might also be acquiring strong, independent, feminist role models between those pages. -- NANCY BUTLER, ROMANCE WRITER, ROSCOE, N.Y.

DEAR NANCY: You're right. I have been so busy reading the mail that comes pouring into my office each week that it has been decades since I've had the time to delve into a romance novel. (Sob!) I heard from other romance writers who echoed your message, including Sharon Mignerey, Arlene James, Joy Nash, Cheryl Norman and P.C. Cast.

One writer conceded, however, that the romances she writes are "essentially sexual fantasies" containing graphic descriptions "of things I cannot mention in a family newspaper ... definitely written with the adult reader in mind." Her name is Kate Douglas, and her point -- with which I agree -- was that parents do need to be aware of what their children are reading. (And that includes on computers.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion to borrow the book after the daughter reads it was a start, but I believe the mother should be more proactive. What about the novels attracts her daughter? Because, believe me, the intimacy aspect is only a small part of it. Perhaps the mother could explore the genre, find authors whose characters are more in line with her own views, and suggest those to her daughter. They could have a lively discussion of character development, narratives, etc.

Keeping the communication going is the most important aspect of all. Forbidding her daughter to read romances will do nothing but drive the behavior underground. -- WYOMING READER

DEAR ABBY: I was around the same age when I came home from school and said my classmates were reading a "terrible" book. Mom said I should bring it home and we would both read it. Mother would read a chapter while I was at school, and then we would discuss the story. The other girls were reading the novel under their blankets, holding a flashlight. My mom used the book as a teaching tool. She would say, "That girl didn't handle that situation right. What she should have done was ..."

I no longer remember much about the book -- not even the title. But I had a close relationship with my mother, and I guess I turned out all right. Wasn't Bertha Chamberlin a smart lady? You may use our names. I'm proud of Mama. -- JANET E. BACON

DEAR ABBY: I discovered romantic fiction at the public library as a 14-year-old. I was normal, curious and shy around boys -- but nonetheless longed for romance and adventure. Those books were "spicy," but they filled that niche without any risk to my physical health or reputation. I lived vicariously through them and avoided getting into "real life" trouble because of it! -- NEVER PROMISCUOUS, ALWAYS A FEMINIST, IN DENVER

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DEAR ABBY: During the last few weeks, two young women I know have confided to me about similar situations with their boyfriends. Each said her boyfriend took her cell phone and went through her logged calls, voice messages and text messages, checking to see who she had talked to. Both young men were furious that the girls had contact with other male friends. Both incidents were frightening.

I am a middle-aged woman, and I don't feel I have an old-fashioned point of view. They asked my opinion about this, and I told them I'd never violate my husband's -- or boyfriend's or girlfriend's -- privacy by looking at mail personally addressed to them, going through their purse, wallet, checkbook or cell phone. I consider it a matter of respect and trust. Both young women claim that the calls and text messages were innocent.

What is your opinion about the privacy of cell phones and other personal items? -- CAROL IN FARIBAULT, MINN.

DEAR CAROL: Both of the boys you mentioned have serious control and insecurity issues, which could possibly lead to dating violence in the future. What they did was a huge invasion of privacy, and of enough concern to me that I question whether those relationships should continue.

As to that kind of thing happening in more mature relationships, if the level of trust has been so eroded that snooping is necessary, the relationship is already in serious trouble. Also, the person doing the snooping may be guilty of the cheating that he or she is obsessed with discovering. There's an old saying, "A person doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he (or she) has stood there in the past."

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Ellie," got a new puppy. The puppy was 10 weeks old and already named "Lizzy." Well, my other sister is named Elizabeth.

We live on opposite coasts and have very little contact with Elizabeth. It is only over the last year that we have really made an effort to stay in touch, mostly by e-mail. When Elizabeth heard that Ellie has a dog named Lizzy, she had a fit! Although we never called Elizabeth "Lizzy," it was part of her childhood nickname.

Elizabeth is insisting that the puppy's name be changed, and if it is not, she wants no contact regarding it. With most of the family here, including all of the nieces and nephews, I can see this leading to her refusing to visit -- which we have been trying to arrange for years. Is it fair for her to make this demand? -- UNSURE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

DEAR UNSURE: I can see why your sister might be sensitive about it, particularly if you haven't been close. In the interests of family harmony, call the dog "Izzy" or Dizzy" -- but don't call it "Lizzy."

DEAR ABBY: I was reading your online archives and saw that a few years ago you asked people to write in with funny names that matched people's occupations. Well, in case you ever want to print more, I took a class in college last year called "The Sociology of Men," and it was taught by Dr. Males. -- CATHY S., ATLANTA

DEAR CATHY: He's certainly aptly named. After that column appeared, I heard from Miss Hunger, a dietitian who was mentioned. She wanted me to know that she was a graduate of Stout University in Wisconsin. (No joke!)

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