DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in college, currently living with two of my best friends in an apartment. The other day, we went shopping at a thrift store. I showed one of my roommates, "Beth," a T-shirt with a logo of a band she liked. She took it and I went to look at something else.

Later, my other roommate and I were waiting for Beth to finish shopping. She came up to where we were sitting, and when I asked her if she was going to buy the T-shirt, she whispered that she was stealing it.

I was in shock. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. Beth walked out with the shirt in her bag.

I'm still really uncomfortable about it. What should I do the next time Beth does something like this? Would I have been out of line to tell an employee? How do I handle this so it doesn't hurt our friendship? Beth is somewhat immature, and I wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing my possessions. My other roommate hasn't expressed an opinion either way. -- SHOCKED IN CHICAGO

DEAR SHOCKED: Rather than telling an employee of the store, you should have told Beth that you didn't approve of what she was doing. And if you truly wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing your property, then it's time to face the fact that your roommate has serious problems that go beyond "immaturity," so keep your things under lock and key until your lease is up.

If I were you, I would no longer go shopping with this young woman, because the law of averages suggests that eventually she will get caught -- and you don't need the embarrassment of being an accessory to her crime. Your other roommate, who "hasn't expressed an opinion either way," should also be reminded that silence indicates approval, and this could be embarrassing for her, too.

DEAR ABBY: I was dating my girlfriend, "Gwen," for about a year and a half. After my birthday last April, she began acting weird. She became very negative and seemed unhappy about everything. After attending a family vacation in June, Gwen told me she wanted to "take a break." She said it was nothing I had done, but she needed time to figure things out because she didn't know what she wanted. That was her only explanation.

I have talked to Gwen only a handful of times during the last few months. I still love her, but I find myself wondering if she still loves me back.

She mentioned that she had been hanging out with a friend who recently came back from Iraq. She told me they have gone camping and done other things, like attend a concert. She also said they have kissed -- but nothing else. I know this isn't cheating, since we are on a break, but I can't help feeling mad and upset at the same time.

Should I try to contact Gwen so we can talk, or should I let her be and hope she comes back? -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: You have my sympathy. If you need closure, then contact her. If she were in love with you, she would have contacted you by now -- and she wouldn't be dating another man, which is what she is doing. It looks to me like she has moved on, and so should you.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 51-year-old woman dating a 39-year-old man. He is smart, funny, sexy, considerate and nice to me. I don't see much of my family anymore because they were abusive, and it's better if I don't. However, I am worried about what they and my other friends will think.

Is the age difference too great to make a lasting relationship? What do I say to people who ask his age? Isn't it rude for them to ask? I was raised to believe that it's rude to ask people how old they are. What about other rude comments people may make? -- LONELY AND LOOKING FOR LOVE

DEAR LONELY: As you've passed the half-century mark, the time has come to start living your own life and stop worrying about what other people "might" think. You and this man are both adults. If you like each other and want to spend some time -- or even lifetime -- together, it's strictly up to you. Should anyone ask how old he is, tell them to ask him. It's really nobody's business.

DEAR ABBY: I have a laughing problem that pops up only at school. I go into uncontrollable laughing fits in the middle of class. It has gotten me in trouble various times over the past couple of weeks. I have asked my mother for help with this problem. She said to think about other things and to pinch myself so I'll be distracted from thinking about it -- but neither of her suggestions seems to work for me. Can you give me any suggestions? -- GIGGLES IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR GIGGLES: It would be interesting to know exactly what is setting you off. If it's eye contact with another student, then stop looking. If you have a learning problem of some sort that's keeping you from concentrating on the tasks at hand, talk with your teacher about getting help for it. But if it's sheer mirth that's causing your laughter, then I recommend you start thinking about the penalty that will follow if you continue disrupting the class, because I'm sure it won't be funny.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. It will be an out-of-state evening wedding. What is the correct attire for the mother? I can only guess at what the color of the bridesmaids' dresses will be -- which I have been told are shades of "moss."

I certainly don't wish to conflict with the bride's mother, whom I have never met, nor have I met the bride. -- LISA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR LISA: Pick up the phone and call the bride's mother. Ask her what color she will be wearing, and if she would send you a small piece of the fabric so there will be no chance that you'll "clash." I'm sure she will not only be glad to help you out, she'll also be pleased that you reached out to her. Consider it the opening of lifelong dialogue between friends.

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. More than one person has come into my house and commenced going through my personal papers, my desk drawers, my checkbook and other personal items. I have been told that this is acceptable because I am unmarried.

Is there some rule that states there are different rules for married and unmarried people? -- TAKEN ABACK IN POCATELLO, IDAHO

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The visitors you have described are rude and nosy, and no rule of etiquette validates their behavior. If you must entertain them in your home, then put your personal papers under lock and key.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 70s, and her health is deteriorating after a lifetime of alcohol abuse, smoking and other vices. She has been in and out of hospitals for different ailments over the last four years or so. The last few episodes have been the most worrisome, including breathing problems related to congestive heart failure.

The problem is, my mother chooses not to let most of her children know when she goes to the hospital. She's a very manipulative person from the alcoholism and drug abuse. She has her "favorites" who know everything -- while the rest of us are kept in the dark, even about life-threatening ER visits.

My sister, who is on Mom's favorites list and gladly plays along with this sick little game, doesn't have a problem with it, and we recently had a heated argument over it. I am not on the favorites list, as you might imagine. I keep my wife and children away from my mother as much as possible because of her repeated verbal and emotional abuse.

Abby, I am dreadfully scared that I'm not going to get to say goodbye to my mother when she finally dies. Please tell me what I can do to make sure it's not too late when it does happen. All I'm asking for is a courtesy phone call -- that's all. -- "PAUL" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PAUL: Please do not hold your breath waiting for a "courtesy phone call" that the odds are against your receiving. Your sister is sitting pretty just as things are, and your family dynamics are too entrenched and dysfunctional for significant changes at this point.

Rather than worrying about what is inevitably going to happen sooner or later, my advice is to take the bull by the horns and say goodbye to your mother now. If you can't do it in person, then do it in a letter -- which will guarantee you the last word. It is more important for you to get those feelings out than for your mother to "hear" them.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend's older sister, "Candy," was married last summer. At the last minute she asked me to fill in as a bridesmaid because her friend from out of town couldn't make it. I graciously accepted the offer, and also took over the bridal shower and bachelorette party. I spent a bundle on both parties and, of course, for the bridesmaid's dress, alterations, shoes, etc.

One month after the wedding, Candy moved out and left her husband. She is now seeing his best friend. Candy confided to me that she never really wanted to go through with the wedding in the first place because of her feelings for the best friend. I am beyond mad! I do not plan ever to speak to Candy again, but I'm conflicted because she's my best friend's sister.

I knew going into the wedding that it would be costly. But now, knowing all the facts, I feel betrayed and used. Are my feelings unreasonable? -- TICKED OFF IN TUCSON

DEAR TICKED OFF: Under the circumstances, your reaction is natural. But once you have cooled off, please try to be a little more forgiving. You have described a woman who is extremely immature. I'm sure she wasn't thinking about how her actions would affect you. She was probably afraid of how it would "look" if she canceled the wedding at the last minute -- which is what she should have done instead of creating this mess.

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