DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from "In Love in Kansas" (10/2), whose priest is predicting that if she marries her fiance, the marriage won't last.

When my husband and I were married, the priest who married us was the same one who had seen my parents through their divorce and divorce counseling. Therefore, he had a negative view of every member of our family. The entire time we were in premarital counseling, which is required in my religion, "Father John" was very pessimistic and went so far as to repeatedly try to talk my fiance out of marrying me. Well, it didn't work. We got married.

On our wedding day, the entire ceremony was videotaped from start to finish. Little did we know until we viewed our videotape that on this keepsake, Father John, who had just pronounced us man and wife, said directly to the camera, "Don't blame me for this. I tried to talk them out of it." Needless to say, my husband and I were both stunned and horrified.

My advice to "In Love in Kansas" is, if this is the attitude of her officiate, change officiates! Father John was a man I had known for several years. He knew my family well and still behaved this way. Had I known what was going to happen, I never would have let him marry us. -- TOO TRUSTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TOO TRUSTING: The mail that letter generated has been all over the map on this subject. However, I can think of only one excuse for your priest's behavior -- he must have had two sips too many of the sacramental wine. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The young woman who is about to be married and is disturbed by the priest's comments should heed his warning. My daughter ignored her priest's advice that she and her fiance, "Brad," were "not compatible," saying, "He didn't understand the questions." To date, her husband has fathered an illegitimate child, given her an STD, spends a lot of time on "hunting" vacations -- and I caught him with another woman. Because I told my daughter what I witnessed, Brad has forbidden me any contact with the kids.

So you see, the priest was right! -- THE CREEP'S MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had a similar experience when we were wed. We were both in the military at the time and had been assigned the base chaplain for our ceremony. It seems our priest didn't approve of married women serving in the military, so he suggested to us that in a "successful" marriage the wife stayed home. He even took it one step further: During the ceremony he expressed his doubts about whether our marriage would last. Happily, we proved him wrong. We are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year.

My advice to "Kansas" is: Don't worry about the naysayers. Work on your marriage every day and enjoy each other. -- 20 YEARS AND COUNTING

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my priest, "Father Gregory," told me the same thing. I was very offended. Yet as time has passed, almost everything Father Gregory predicted has come true! All of the problems we ignored prior to our marriage have come back to haunt us. "In Love in Kansas" should get specifics from that priest about why he has these feelings. It could save her a lot of grief. Please pass this on. -- SAD IN SAN DIMAS

DEAR ABBY: That letter had a familiar ring. A priest told my girlfriend that she shouldn't marry me, too. Well, we've been married 34 years now. We're so glad she didn't listen. -- RICK IN AUDUBON, N.J.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Larry and I have been married for 12 years. We have never kept secrets from each other -- but I have one that I have never told him. It happened 20 years ago.

I was a single mom. My daughter and I lived in a poor neighborhood. It was raining and I didn't have a car or money for a bus, so I hitched a ride. A man picked us up. He took us to her grammar school; I thanked him and got out.

After I got my daughter inside, I went back out. The man was still there. He told me to get in and offered to take me where I needed to go. Like a dummy, I got back in the car. He drove to a secluded area, parked, told me he had a knife and said he would kill me if I didn't perform a sex act on him. I complied because I thought he meant what he said.

Later he drove me back downtown and, when he stopped for a light, I jumped out. I never looked back. I never told anyone, not even the police. I was too ashamed. Should I tell my husband now? I don't want to hurt him or our marriage. I feel like such a fool! -- ASHAMED IN IDAHO

DEAR ASHAMED: You're not a "dummy" and you're not a "fool." You were in a bind, you were trusting, and you were assaulted. The person who should be ashamed is the criminal who perpetrated the act -- not you. You were the victim, and you weren't at fault. Victims are never at fault for the crimes committed against them.

Not knowing your husband, I can't decide for you whether or not disclosing the assault would be good or bad for your marriage. However, if you will call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN), the counselors there will connect you with a crisis center in your local area -- as they do for countless victims of sexual assault all over the country -- and they can help you make this important decision. The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Please don't wait any longer to get the help you need to finally close this sad chapter in your life.

DEAR ABBY: Our family just returned from a funeral, and "Aunt Mabel" is enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. She loves to discuss in great detail the survivors' reactions. She will tell anyone who will listen the exact reaction of each loved one when they heard the bad news and how they are "holding up."

I hate the thought that she'll be discussing me that way someday. It violates my sense of privacy for the people she is gossiping about.

This isn't just a nervous reaction on her part. Aunt Mabel will be telling the same stories with relish three years from now.

Is this a common topic of conversation? Are there some privacy issues here? What would be an appropriate reaction next time she launches into her blow-by-blow of grief? -- MABEL'S NIECE

DEAR NIECE: You have described someone who has nothing else to talk about and who takes pleasure in the pain of others. The next time Aunt Mabel raises the subject, tell her that hearing about people's emotional pain depresses you. Then ask her if she's seen any good movies lately -- or the latest episode of "Dancing With the Stars."

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 14-year-old boy, "Todd," whom I have taught to be honest and open with me. Todd and I are best friends, which is rare to hear these days. He is very smart, active with anything to do with the outdoors, and he also does very well in school.

My problem is, Todd is so open with how he feels that he comes across as being rude, argumentative and disrespectful. He tells me that he's not trying to be, that he's just voicing his opinion and how he feels -- and that should not be wrong. In some ways, my son is right. But trying to teach him that there's a time and place for his opinions has proven extremely difficult.

I am proud to have a son I don't have to worry about in the sense of lying, stealing, running around getting into all kinds of trouble. At 14, you'd expect some kind of misbehavior. But when he does get into trouble, it's because of what he says -- not what he does.

How can I undo what I have done, and teach Todd that everything he thinks and feels should not fly out of his mouth the minute he has those thoughts and feelings? I'm scared he'll get into serious trouble if I can't teach him there's a time and place to voice his opinions. How can I make him understand the difference between what really needs to be expressed and what does not so it doesn't hinder his future? I mean, sharing your true feelings with your boss could get you fired, and telling your teachers they don't know what they're talking about can cause detentions that go on your record.

How can I tell my son to be quiet when all his life I have told him to just talk to me? -- FEELING LOST AND GUILTY IN THE USA

DEAR FEELING LOST AND GUILTY: Explain that honesty is a virtue -- unless it is used as a club to hurt others. Diplomacy is a skill that has to be learned. There is a time and place for everything, and before your son shoots off his mouth he should ask himself three questions: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it true? Instruct him that he needs to apply that rule to his interactions with his teachers and contemporaries.

If the young man is unable to do that, he could benefit by being evaluated by a licensed mental health professional because he may need therapy or coaching in social skills.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that I am pregnant, and I'm already having problems with morning sickness. I do my best not to let it conflict with my work schedule in any way.

My OB/GYN suggested that to help ease the nausea that occurs throughout the day that I eat six times a day in small portions. I have taken her advice and normally have a snack of crackers, a granola bar or some fruit before and after lunch. It isn't a problem because most of my co-workers snack anyway.

My problem is my co-workers seem to have no hesitation about coming around my desk to grab whatever I am eating and helping themselves! I keep a basket full of candy on the front of my desk for others to enjoy. I do not understand why they think it's OK to steal my crackers -- particularly under the circumstances. I don't want to seem rude, but I feel I should speak up. Any suggestions? -- HUNGRY MOM, GREENVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR HUNGRY MOM: How about telling them the truth? You're suffering from morning sickness, your doctor suggested that you eat the food they're stealing in order to combat the nausea, but they're welcome to the candy in the basket. Period. And if they persist, then keep your rations in a locked drawer or strong box under your desk.

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