DEAR ABBY: I could only sympathize after reading the letter from "Tired in Kentucky" (10/9), the mother of the bride who was having trouble with the RSVPs.

At my daughter's wedding we had the same problem. In the end, we had 14 no-shows out of a planned attendance of 79, which at $57 a head for dinner, drinks, champagne toast and appetizers was a lot of money spent for nothing.

I was particularly offended because some of their excuses were poor -- for example, they decided at the last minute to do something better. People apparently don't realize that you have to give a number to the caterer at least a week ahead. You then need to pay for that number of guests whether they show up or not.

I think I have found the answer, though: My next catered party, I'm going to call a week ahead, and if they don't know if they're coming or not, I'm telling them I'll take that as a no. I have learned that the minute you take something away, they want it. Maybe I can train my guests this way. If not, I'll eliminate them from future guest lists. -- MARY IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR MARY: That letter touched a nerve with a lot of readers. It appears that a large segment of the population either never learned good manners in the first place, or has chosen to ignore them. Your solution to the problem is a clever one. Read on for some other solutions to the RSVP problem:

DEAR ABBY: We attended a wedding where the name of each guest who had responded by the given date was put on a list. After the ceremony, there was a closed reception in an upscale ballroom. The doorman had a final list -- and the guests had to sign in before entering the room. If you weren't on the list, you didn't attend the reception.

The doorman was the person giving out the bad news. You couldn't even see the bride and groom. It was done very politely and respectfully to those who had to be turned away, but it was clear that they weren't allowed to enter because they had failed to respond by the date.

I thought it was a nice way to handle the situation. The bride and groom weren't put on the spot and weren't blindsided by an "overcount" of people showing up to eat. The doorman also added to the formality of the occasion. -- MELINDA IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Here's my solution. It serves me well and always works. I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.

I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time, but not the location, and add the word "only" on the invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest. I also note, "We'll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( )." To anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.

This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know they should respond within a given time, and we have wonderful turnouts to all our parties and such.

Thanks, Abby. You and I have coffee together every morning, and I have learned so much from you and your readers! -- SHALIMAR IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR SHALIMAR: How sweet! So have I.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a trivial matter, but as the holidays approach, I know printing this letter will help people in the fast-growing technical support industry, as well as the people depending on them.

When folks purchase large appliances and electronics this holiday season and need to call for help getting them set up or repaired, it's important that they remember to have a few things handy to make the process go faster for all concerned.

Always have the model number, serial number and sales slip handy. Also, please remember that the people on the other end of the line are doing everything they can to get things working. Foul language, raised voices and threats against tech support won't get anything done faster.

So before calling, take a deep breath, be certain that you're calm enough to deal with someone on the other end of the line, and make sure to follow his or her directions. And remember, sometimes the solutions take time. Tech support professionals have to follow company policies, just like everyone else. -- DOING ALL SHE CAN IN WATERTOWN, N.Y.

DEAR DOING ALL SHE CAN: Those all are sensible suggestions. I know firsthand that having the model number, serial number and sales slip can hasten the time it takes to schedule a service call. And it goes without saying that customers will get more cooperation if they don't abuse the customer service personnel. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two boys, 12 and 13. They have had computer training at school for years, but my husband and I are computer illiterate.

We gave the boys a computer for their birthday, and now they are locked in their bedroom for hours. People tell me they can't be watching pornography without a credit card, but I am having trouble believing that.

We have no public space in our home we can move the computer into. What, if anything, should we do? -- WORRIED MOM IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Most houses and apartments have a living room or eating area. Put an end to your boys using the computer while locked in their room. The computer should be moved out into the open. If that's not possible, then insist that the door be kept open, and remove the lock if they refuse to comply.

Also, it's time you and your husband checked into evening classes for adults at your local high school so you can learn the basics about computers. They have become far easier to use than in years past, and you should at least be able to check the computer "history" to see where your young explorers have been spending their time. It's a matter of asserting your parental authority, so please start doing it now. It's really no different than knowing what they're doing at the mall.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, and the only problem I have with him is that he lies about meeting other women on sex sites. The problem with this is that he is looking for someone in our hometown for discreet sex.

I have confronted him and told him how it makes me feel, but he still does it and finds other sites to go on. What am I to do? -- SAD IN SALISBURY, MD.

DEAR SAD: End the romance. Your "boyfriend's" actions indicate that he is unwilling or unable to remain faithful to you. It's time to find a man who wants what you want out of a relationship.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have made a terrible mess. A couple of months ago, I had lunch with one of my father-in-law's girlfriends. He was dating several women at the same time without their knowing about the others.

During the eight years that I have known "Frank," he has been a selfish, womanizing, manipulative, controlling user. Nor does he have a good relationship with any of his kids, including his youngest son, who happens to be my husband.

During this lunch, I foolishly confided my true feelings about Frank to the girlfriend. I mistakenly thought she would keep it between us. Wrong!

Six weeks later they were married and, during an argument, she blurted out everything I had said about him. Needless to say, I am very embarrassed and would like to crawl into a hole. What can I do to repair this mess? I could really use your input. -- EMBARRASSED IN BOCA RATON

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Consider your options, and I'm sure you'll agree that the less said about this, the better. The alternative would be to say, "Dad, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I called you a selfish, womanizing, manipulative, controlling user -- even if it's true." And in the future, do not confide in your new mother-in-law now that you know she "leaks."

DEAR ABBY: Please share this lifesaving information with as many people as you can. A person who has a stroke may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms.

A bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. Ask the individual to smile.

2. Ask the person to raise both arms.

3. Ask him or her to speak a simple sentence.

If the person has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately.

After my friend Sherry saw her friend Suzie stumble, she asked her the three questions and Suzie failed all three, so Sherry called 9-1-1. Even though Suzie had normal blood pressure readings, did not appear to be having a stroke, and could -- to some extent -- converse with the paramedics, she HAD suffered a massive stroke.

The good news is, thanks to the quick diagnosis and medical treatment, Suzie is recovering at a remarkable pace. -- CATHY IN SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIF.

DEAR CATHY: I'm relieved your story has a happy ending, and that your friend Sherry was informed enough to summon medical assistance right away. Thank you for sharing these important tips. I'm sure everyone who reads your letter will be grateful that you took the time to write.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a brother who is 14. He comes into my room when I'm asleep and tries to have sex with me. This has been going on ever since we moved here. I have also been cutting myself and wanting to die since the move. I am starting to get scared of my brother.

I want to go to my parents, but they don't really care much about me. What should I do? -- TERRIFIED IN TWIN FALLS, IDAHO

DEAR TERRIFIED: You have a right to be able to sleep through the night without worrying about someone trying to rape you. If you are unable to discuss this with your parents, then I urge you to confide in a trusted teacher at school about it -- ALL of it -- or your clergyperson. Either one can see that you get the help you need. Please trust me and do it now.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)