DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my in-laws. My brother-in-law will never invite his parents for Christmas, so my husband always insists we have a combined family Christmas with my parents so his parents are not left alone.

The problem is my in-laws have bad-mouthed my parents in the past, and they treat my parents as if they are "less than." They also don't treat me all that great.

I get into fights every year with my husband about this. This year I tried to compromise, saying I'd have the in-laws over for Christmas Eve, but my husband will not bend. He wants both families here, which means I will be uncomfortable all day. It is my Christmas, too. I know it's only one day, but why should I have to compromise and be unhappy for the rest of my life? Please help. -- DREADING CHRISTMAS IN HOWELL, MICH.

DEAR DREADING CHRISTMAS: You have to compromise because, when you married your wonderful husband, you blended your family with his -- obnoxious and pretentious as they may be. You compromise because marriage IS compromise. Keep the spirits bright by keeping the atmosphere as light as possible -- and your in-laws separate from your parents. And remember that the illusion of the "perfect family" is just that -- an illusion.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced several years ago because my father had an affair. After a couple of years, he came crawling back to Mom, promising that he would never do it again. She took him back, and they were remarried a few years ago. My younger siblings and I were so happy.

I am now married and living in the city, and I was recently visiting. My parents were out of town, and I was taking care of my much-younger siblings. I was given access to my dad's computer to keep track of the kids' schedules, and quite accidentally I came across a love letter e-mailed from another woman. I couldn't help reading more of the letters that I found from her -- and his responses. He's having another affair. I also found letters from yet another woman in his e-mail as well.

Now I don't know what to do. If I don't tell Mom, I will be tacitly enabling him to continue cheating on her. But if I do tell, I am terrified I'll rip my family apart all over again. I don't ever want to talk to my father again. His treatment of my mother makes me sick. Please help me. -- AMBIVALENT IN CHICAGO

DEAR AMBIVALENT: Although it was wrong to have searched through your father's personal correspondence, it may be just as well that you did. Your mother should be told what you found. She needs to be able to make an informed decision about whether this is the kind of marriage she wishes to continue. And she also needs to be checked for STDs, because it appears your father is sexually compulsive and is unable to change his ways.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if you could please advise me as to the three most important things in a relationship. I had a disagreement with a friend regarding this topic and hope you can enlighten me with your opinion on this serious subject. Thank you. -- SLEEPLESS IN ARIZONA

DEAR SLEEPLESS: The answer to your question would probably vary depending on the values of the people involved in the relationship. However, to me, the most important qualities are trust, communication and a sense of humor.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What has happened to professional courtesy in the workplace? I am a high school teacher, and recently a colleague learned that he was being replaced by another teacher when he read it in the school board minutes! The principal did not even extend the courtesy of telling him in person -- although his room and her office are only yards apart. Abby, that teacher could have been applying for other jobs.

Another example: My daughter works in the television industry and is quite successful. Months ago, she was contacted by a major network asking if she was interested in applying for an opening with them. They interviewed her twice, then flew her cross-country at their expense for a final interview, at which time she was told she would hear from them the following week. That was two months ago. Is it that difficult for a prospective employer to call and say, "We offered the position to someone else," or "We haven't decided yet"?

Finally, my son, a college student, was told he would hear in one week when he was to start a new job. That was five weeks ago. Couldn't the employer have been honest up front and told him that perhaps they wouldn't need him right then? My son could have accepted another job and have been earning money instead of waiting.

Employers: Prospective employees have lives and obligations. Put yourselves in their shoes. How would you like to put your life on hold while someone dangles a carrot in front of you? Please show some professional courtesy! -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEWPORT, PA.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people have an aversion to giving others bad news, so they say nothing, figuring the message will get out -- eventually. Obviously, the principal wimped out rather than face the teacher and tell him his contract would not be renewed.

As for your daughter's experience, "show biz" is notorious for its lack of empathy -- and even honesty -- when it comes to telling someone things aren't working out. I hope she lands a higher-paying job at another network.

Your son's experience this summer could provide a valuable lesson for him. In the future, if someone tells him he'll get word in seven days and it doesn't happen, he should resume his job search on day No. 8. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and I have a problem. When I call some of my "friends," they don't return my calls. But the thing is, they said they'd return my calls. Well, guess what -- they haven't!

The only friend I feel I actually have is my boyfriend, but I need a friend who's a girl. My mom and dad say, "Wait for them to come to you," but I have been doing it for five years. I have a little brother, but he's annoying! I feel lonely, but also like a "nudge." What should I do? -- LONELY AND BAMBOOZLED IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: I'm sure that, at one time or another, everyone has promised to call someone and it has slipped his or her mind. However, when it happens consistently, then the promise-breakers are sending a message -- and the message is they are not "friends."

Five years is more than enough time to "wait" for people to respond to offers of friendship. Please tell your parents that the time has come to help you get involved in activities outside this circle of acquaintances -- possibly extracurricular activities and/or religious-based youth activities so you can meet girls who will be more inclusive. Boyfriends may be great, but girlfriends usually last longer.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son, "Clay," took his grandmother's car while she was sleeping to run over to his friend's house around the corner. He doesn't have a driver's license, and ended up wrecking her car, which is completely totaled.

His uncle and I want our mom to press charges against him, but she doesn't want to. Clay is my son and I love him, but I think he needs to step up, act like an adult and take responsibility. Should we make her press charges? -- DISGUSTED IN GALVESTON, TEXAS

DEAR DISGUSTED: At 19, your son is no longer a child. How is he going to learn about consequences if he isn't forced to take responsibility for his actions? Although I'm not sure you can force your mother to press charges, if your son is living at home, you can insist that he somehow make restitution for the damage he caused.

As it stands, this young man has already broken two laws -- driving without a license and car theft. (I wonder if he was also under the influence when he totaled the car.)

Perhaps you, your son and your mother can agree on an amount and a schedule of repayment.

DEAR ABBY: A friend recently announced that she's pregnant. She has a stepson and another child with her husband. Last week, I received an e-mail from her giving me her sister-in-law's contact information. In it, she said that she's leaving it up to "us" to "work out the details" of the shower!

I was stunned because I wasn't aware that I was expected to help plan the shower or to contribute to it financially. I provided the cake and half the food for her first one, and I was happy to do it. I didn't know I was "expected" to do it again without being asked.

Is it the norm to have a second baby shower? And isn't a baby shower supposed to be a surprise for the new mom? Am I wrong for feeling that her attitude is presumptuous? I don't mind preparing food or the cake, but how do I tactfully tell her and her sister-in-law that I cannot contribute financially to this? -- "RATTLED" IN ILLINOIS

DEAR "RATTLED": Years ago, there was a rule of etiquette that one baby shower to a customer was enough. However, more recently, people have come to recognize that the birth of every child should be celebrated. It can be a surprise for the new mother, or not.

However, a shower is a gift -- and for your friend to have expected one or solicited one is wrong. I recommend that you tell her in plain English what you are prepared to do and what you cannot. The food or the cake should be more than enough.

DEAR READERS: If someone you know aspires to a career in news reporting, and you're wondering what would be a perfect holiday gift for him or her, a copy of Helen Thomas' new book, "Watchdogs of Democracy?" would be an excellent choice.

Helen (a.k.a. "The Lady in Red") is a trailblazing journalist who has covered the White House beat through nine presidencies and has much to say in this readable little volume.

One of the most fascinating conversationalists I know, Helen Thomas' comments about what it takes to be a responsible journalist should be read not only by anyone who wants to be one, but also anyone who looks to the news as a way of staying informed.

Published by Scribner, the book is available in bookstores and on amazon.com.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)