DEAR ABBY: As a licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed professional counselor and a stepparent, I would like to offer some information to "Ashamed in the South" (10/7) that might help to ease her mind.

She was troubled because she didn't feel love toward her stepchildren. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that stepparents should love their stepchildren. If stepparents do love their stepchildren (and vice versa), that is a definite plus, but it is not required. What IS required, in my opinion, is that people in stepfamilies treat each other respectfully. Love often comes in time, but not always.

In addition to your good advice, I would say to "Ashamed in the South": "Behave respectfully and kindly toward your stepchildren. Be open to the possibility of love, but give yourself a break. You are not a bad person because you don't feel love toward them at this time. Love their father and expect less from yourself."

Abby, I can't help but believe that if she can take some of the pressure off herself, she might find that she will begin to feel differently toward her stepchildren. -- FAMILY THERAPIST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FAMILY THERAPIST: Thank you for a terrific letter, one which I know will ease the minds of many other stepparents who are embarking on the challenging role of blending two already-formed families into one. Not surprisingly, after that letter appeared, I heard from other stepparents wanting to offer support to the writer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As I prepared to adopt my child a few years ago, social workers warned me that I might not bond with him or her. They said the important thing was that even if I didn't feel love for my child, I should treat that child as if I loved him or her. This helped me have a plan, so my actions would ensure that my child felt loved. I was lucky. I fell in love with my son the moment I first held him. That's not true for everyone -- even with a biological child.

I say kudos to the writer of that letter, who, most importantly, is treating her stepchildren with love. In time she may feel love for them. But even if she doesn't, she shouldn't be so hard on herself. -- ADOPTIVE MOM IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Ashamed in the South" that many stepparents feel bad for not immediately loving their new offspring. A wonderful family psychologist gave me some advice that has helped enormously: "Think of love as an action instead of an emotion." Thereafter, I acted as if I loved my stepchild, and over the years the habit of action grew into emotion. She's long since grown, but we're good friends, and my husband often teases me about the time we spend on the phone. -- NOT-SO-WICKED STEPMOM IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: Growing up, my mother was always trying to turn me against my stepmother. My stepmother always treated my sister and me as if we were her own children. She became my best friend, and still is 30 years after walking into our lives. My relationship is better with my stepmother than it is with my birth mother, and the same is true for my sister. Our stepmother has always been there for us to talk to.

Please tell "Ashamed" that she could end up making a profound difference in these children's lives in the end. It was true for us. -- GRATEFUL STEPDAUGHTER IN FLORIDA

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DEAR ABBY: I am a well-educated, confident, attractive woman in my mid-30s. My job is in business development. My question is, Do I need to be a social drinker in order to be successful? A male friend of mine often harps on how I make the other drinkers uncomfortable, and how people stay out late, drinking and discussing business deals until 3 or 4 in the morning. He says I must learn to have a drink or two -- otherwise I won't be successful in getting any deals.

I never criticize others who drink, and I quietly order fruit juice when others are drinking. No one beside this friend even notices it. But he often says loudly to the server that they should find some juice for me since I don't drink. I have tried to learn to drink, but frankly, I don't enjoy it.

Also, I have seen my friend and some of the other men indulge in somewhat loose behavior as they keep having more drinks. I think I'd be wise to refrain from drinking. My friend says because I am originally from another country, that I am "different." His remarks are wearing me down, as he recently has started accusing me of not being good company.

Please tell me your thoughts on this. He is my best friend, but also has a temper. -- DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE IN MANHATTAN

DEAR DESPERATE: For a "best friend," this man is behaving peculiarly. "Best friends" do not announce during a business dinner that a colleague is "different." He appears to be someone who has a drinking problem, and is trying to coerce you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable so your sobriety won't make him feel guilty.

When someone accuses you of not being good company because you don't drink, it means he's looking for a drinking buddy. This man has more problems than you're equipped to deal with, and he won't help you advance your career. My advice is to distance yourself from him.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away four months ago. The night she died, a sibling of mine took her purse home and brought it back the next day with the checkbook and credit cards gone. I asked about them and was told they "took care of them."

Last week, I received a copy of mother's credit card statement in the mail. It had more than $2,500 in charges after she passed away. I know who did the charging, but I don't know how to approach that person. It was a sibling of mine. Please advise me, as the estate is now in probate. -- MOTHERLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOTHERLESS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother, as well as the loss of your illusions about your sibling. I see no reason for you to confront the person who did the stealing, but you should definitely report it to the attorney who is handling your mother's probate.

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and have been divorced for four years. Hypothetically speaking, if I decide to never remarry or if I remarry 20 years from now, what is my marital status between now and that time?

I consider myself single, not divorced. If I'm still single at the age of 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- I'd hate to refer to myself as "divorced," giving people the idea that I was divorced recently. -- IN A QUANDARY

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: You may consider yourself single and not divorced, but if you were married and divorced four years ago, you're divorced. If you're still single at 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- tell the questioner you were "married at one time but it was many years ago." That way you won't have to mention the word "divorce," and the person will get the correct message.

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DEAR ABBY: The short story is, I slept with a married co-worker. I paid him to come to my house to hook up my computer, but when he arrived, everything but that happened. He had been flirting with me for months, and when he got here one thing just led to another.

He is a complicated mess, and I knew that going in, but I allowed myself to do it anyway. Now when we're at work, he acts like nothing ever happened. Guilt is not his thing. He has other women in the office on the line, as well as several others I have heard about through the grapevine.

I am confused by my need to be around this man and wonder what I was thinking. I feel hollow, sick and lonelier than I did before. I have been widowed 10 years and have never slept with anyone else until now.

How do I handle, first, my feelings, and second, the work relationship? I am beginning to wonder if he did this out of pity for my being lonely. If that's the case, I feel even worse.

Please help me deal with the guilt and understand why I did this, and come out of this with some self-respect. -- CONFUSED AND ASHAMED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED AND ASHAMED: You probably were thinking how nice it felt that someone made you feel attractive and special after 10 years of widowhood. That kind of a "high" can be pretty intoxicating. You feel "hollow, sick and more lonely than before" because you didn't get what you really wanted, and you know you sold yourself short.

Rather than continue beating yourself up over this, use it to spur yourself into getting out and meeting eligible men so you can find what you need in a relationship that has a future. As to how to handle things at work, keep your communications with the office Romeo short and strictly business-related. He appears to have already put this behind him, and so should you.

P.S. If you paid him to hook up your computer and all you got was sex -- you know what that makes him. He owes you a refund, but don't count on getting one.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a mid-Atlantic state. I recently met a woman named "Diana" from New England. When Diana introduced herself, she pronounced her name "Di-ann-er."

When I address her, should I pronounce her name as she does? Or should I pronounce it "Di-ann-a" in my normal manner? I don't want to seem like I'm mocking her by mimicking a New England accent, but I also don't want to mispronounce her name.

My friends and family are split on what is more courteous. What do you think? -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BETH: Your question brought to mind the old song lyric, "You say 'potato' and I say 'po-tah-to.' You say 'tomato' and I say 'to-mah-to.'" In your case, the polite thing to do is also the safest. Pronounce Diana's name as you normally would, and you won't get into trouble.

DEAR READERS: This Saturday, Dec. 2, the Hallmark Channel will air a made-for-television movie, "The Christmas Card," that features a romance strikingly similar to the ones that have resulted from Operation Dear Abby.

As you know, many romances, marriages and children have "sprung" from Operation Dear Abby, which supports our men and women in the military stationed worldwide. So, tune in, sit back and enjoy it with me!

And now that the holiday season is in full swing, remember to take a moment and send a holiday greeting to our men and women in the military by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.operationdearabby.net" ��www.operationdearabby.net�.

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