DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Steve's," daughter by his first marriage has a mentor at work who keeps trying to "borrow" him as her escort to the company Christmas party. Steve and I have been married nine years, and this is the third time she has tried to pull this stunt.

I don't believe my husband is interested in her, but everyone at the company knows he is married, and for her to show up with him as her escort is highly insulting to me.

Steve agreed on the phone to go with her this afternoon and told me about it when I got home from work. I told him how I felt, and he immediately said he wouldn't go -- he hadn't realized it would bother me. I told him he now "has to" go or she will think I am threatened by her.

My stepdaughter evidently doesn't see a problem with it, as she's the one who called to facilitate the woman asking my husband. (I wonder how she'd have felt if her mother were still married to her dad?)

Yes, my husband is a fun, entertaining person. Are my pantyhose in a knot over nothing? -- OFFENDED, NOT THREATENED

DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband may be "fun and entertaining," but he is also married -- and that means he's out of the escort pool. He should not attend the function without you, and his daughter and her "mentor" were out of line to ask.

DEAR ABBY: I have two children, 15 and 17. Many of their friends are becoming single parents. Not wanting that for my children, I talk to them and urge them not to have babies until they're ready to be good parents.

You are so good at coming up with lists for things, Abby. Could you compile a list of criteria for what makes a really good parent? It would be nice to show them what that adds up to. -- NANCY IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.

DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased to help. However, I'm sure my readers will want to add to the list, which is a short one.

ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.

(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.

(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.

(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.

(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, I strongly advise postponing parenthood.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I want "Short on Intimacy," the wife in her 20s with no sex life (10/26), to know that she is not the only wife out there who has this problem. I wish you could have heard some of the wild excuses my husband made about why he couldn't have sex. We have been in counseling for months because of this.

I think it is so hard for us women because other men are always talking about wanting sex, and our husbands may even be acting like they want it. And then, when we get home, sex is the furthest thing from their minds.

Through counseling, I have realized that "why" may never be answered. The bottom-line question is, Can I live the rest of my life this way or not? -- NO ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NO ANSWERS: Only you can answer that. You were generous to share your own experience on this personal and sensitive subject -- and so were countless others who aired their views. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the young woman who doesn't understand why her husband isn't interested in sex, I applaud your reply. However, in addition to seeing a therapist, I think that man should consult his family doctor.

My husband suffers from clinical depression as well as adult-diagnosed ADD. I struggled for years with the same questions she asked, until he started being treated for his disorders. Things are improving. -- STILL WORKING ON IT, WINCHESTER, IND.

DEAR ABBY: The first 10 years of my marriage, my husband had a low sex drive and intermittent impotency. During a blood screening it was discovered that his testosterone level was about 20 percent of where it should be for an adult male. The medication he now takes may have saved our marriage, and it definitely saved our sex life. This was something neither of us had heard of before. -- HAPPIER NOW IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter. I would put on lingerie and try to seduce my husband. Still nothing. Of course, I became horribly insecure and thought something was wrong with me. When we went for counseling, my husband finally admitted he didn't need me for sex because he had been "satisfying" himself. It stemmed from huge issues he has with intimacy.

Your advice was right on. Counseling is needed so she won't blame herself for his problem. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 12 years. We have two wonderful children. My husband was a virgin when we married, which I attributed to his shyness and uptight upbringing. I was optimistic, though, and thought in time he'd learn to appreciate sex and get into it, but he never did.

Three weeks ago, he finally confessed that he is gay and always has been, but kept it locked inside. Although I feel compassion for my husband, I also feel betrayed -- but at least I know now it wasn't my fault.

My advice to "Short on Intimacy": My heart goes out to you, but the sooner you find out the reason for his behavior, the better. Do not waste your best years waiting for something that might never happen. -- BEEN THERE IN NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old male and not very sexually driven. I don't believe sex is how a man shows love to his mate, and have a hard time keeping up with my fiancee's sex drive. In past relationships I ended up resenting my partner for making me feel that just being "close to each other" wasn't enough, and wondering if I was wanted only for sex.

Perhaps that woman's husband prefers to show his love for her in a less physical way. -- THE OTHER SIDE IN UTAH

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Not at all. Your sister-in-law is out of line to put the bite on you for gifts for her dog, and you are within your rights to tell her you have a bone to pick with her. After she chews on it awhile, let's hope she comes around.

DEAR ABBY: I have survived cancer twice in the last 20 years. The second cancer, which was successfully operated on 10 years ago, was in my right lung. So far, I am still cancer-free.

My sister, "Kelly," whom I love dearly, is a heavy smoker, and has smoked 20 years longer than I did.

My problem is, she still smokes around me, closed up in the car, etc. It isn't only the smoke that bothers me, but the fact that I have had lung cancer and am not supposed to be around any cigarette smoke.

Kelly is a wonderful person, and I have nothing else bad to say about her. She does not believe all the stuff about secondhand smoke, etc. I wish there was some way to impress upon her that she shouldn't be smoking around me or others who have had cancer. -- COUGHING IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR COUGHING: Your sister is nicotine-addicted and in denial. She's obviously not a Dear Abby reader, or she'd have seen my Nov. 14 column that featured the American Cancer Society's 30th Annual Great American Smokeout. In it was information from the U.S. surgeon general's first report in 20 years about the effects of involuntary exposure to secondhand smoke.

Specifically, "Exposure of adults to secondhand smoke has immediate adverse effects on the cardiovascular system and causes coronary heart disease and lung cancer. The scientific evidence indicates that there is no safe level of exposure to secondhand smoke."

I know you love your sister, but considering your health history, if she needs a nicotine fix, she should do it out of your presence -- and certainly never in an enclosed environment with you. I urge you to do something you should have done 10 years ago: Draw the line and INSIST that she consider your health and refrain from smoking anywhere around you, even if it means getting out of the car to do so.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)