DEAR ABBY: Here I go, sounding like an old fogy, but "Feeling Lost and Guilty" (11/5), who said she and her loudmouthed, snotty son are "best friends," has brought her problem on herself. The No. 1 problem of parents today is that they try to be friends with their children rather than parents. Back when I was his age, parents were parents to their children -- not friends. There is a difference!

She asked how to undo what she has done. She now knows there is a difference between being a parent and being a friend, something she should have realized 14 years ago.

I see that all too often in parents today, including my own daughter, whose teenage daughters walk all over her because "it's easier and less stressful" to allow it than provide guidance. In cases like this, the cart is down the path and the horse is still in the barn. -- DISAPPOINTED GRANDFATHER, EASTON, PA.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are correct in saying that some parents shirk their responsibility by refusing to be firm with their children as well as responsible role models. However, before painting all parents of children with social problems with the same broad brush, please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for advising the mother of "Todd," the teen who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut, to seek an evaluation. If the boy has a problem with empathy, it could be that he has Asperger's syndrome, an increasingly more common form of mild autism. This is a social disability, often more noticeable in the teenage years, when social expectations are more sophisticated. I should know -- I am a school psychologist and also the mother of a 13-year-old with Asperger's. -- MOM IN BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: It's time that mother, whose son hasn't learned that "discretion is the better part of valor," teach her son "active listening" skills. These include reading body language and nonverbal cues, withholding opinions until all facts are in, and learning to discern when someone actually wants to hear our opinion vs. just wanting to vent. (I have had some really bad employers who could have benefited from that last one.)

I learned active listening skills more than 30 years ago as a peer counselor in junior high school, and while I was able to adapt some of the skills immediately, others have taken literally decades to sink in. However, this is why we plant seeds. Some bloom right away, while others take time to germinate. -- HAPPY ACTIVE LISTENER

DEAR ABBY: My son has Asperger's, and one of the traits of this condition is the person is very literal in his or her speech and usually says whatever comes to mind. These young people do not understand the social taboo of being brutally honest. (I am not saying that her child has Asperger's syndrome.) We have to try to teach our kids to not say everything that comes to mind in public as well.

One method that I have found helpful is social role playing. That mother can make up situations and role-play how her son might respond so that the other person's feelings are not hurt. We have to practice with our kids. This is not a "common sense" that is learned just by mimicking what others do.

These children often do not understand the "little white lies" that we tell in polite society. On the other hand, if you want an honest answer as to whether you look fat, just ask an Aspie! -- PROUD MOTHER OF AN ASPIE IN MONTANA

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Do you ever feel sometimes that your life is going backward instead of forward? In my early 20s, I had a life. I was engaged, going to college, hanging with my friends, loved my family, had standards for myself and goals in my life.

As I have gotten older, I feel like all I have is a graduate degree, a good job, my health, a truck that's paid for, and wonderful, generous parents for letting me once again live with them. (Another relationship gone bad.)

Somewhere along the way, I kept losing the things that mattered to me, that kept me together, that made me who I was. And now, here I am at 28, and if I died tomorrow the only people at my funeral would be my family and some co-workers.

I am lost and I can't seem to find my way back. I don't even recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. And the saddest thing is I am a licensed therapist, trying to help other people put their lives back together while I'm still searching for mine. Ironically, I'm amazed at what I do and have a deep-seated passion for it.

Abby, how do you get a life when you've lost the one you thought you were living in? -- AT SEA IN WISCONSIN

DEAR AT SEA: All of us have down days when we feel like we are going backward instead of forward. How can we appreciate a bowl of cherries if we don't encounter a few pits from time to time? Or a worm?

Being a licensed therapist (or an advice columnist, for that matter) is no guarantee that life isn't going to have its ups and downs. As human beings, we are as vulnerable to depression as the next person -- and people in the helping professions are not except.

If you want to figure out where you lost your way and how to get back on track, then your best bet is to find a colleague you can talk to. (Many therapists do this.) Accept that you need a dose of therapy and embrace it. You're in the perfect position to get the help you need, so stop procrastinating.

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering what the rule of thumb is as far as giving your roommates notice that you're moving out. I know it is usually a 30-day notice, but I never signed a lease. All I do is rent a room from a couple of my friends who own the house.

Would it be all right if I gave them a week's notice and offered to pay to the following month's end? -- CLUELESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CLUELESS: That seems fair to me. It would be the equivalent of a month's notice and would not cause your friends any inconvenience. However, be sure to give your notice in writing. It will eliminate any misunderstandings.

DEAR ABBY: Is it true what people say while drunk, or not? Does alcohol cause one's true feelings to come out? -- LINDA IN CRESTVIEW, FLA.

DEAR LINDA: Drinking lowers a person's inhibitions. When that happens, things he or she would not say under normal (sober) circumstances can come out. Are they a reflection of the person's true feelings? Yes, often they are -- but not always. Drinking can also distort one's sense of reality, causing the drinker to become defensive -- or offensive -- and react to a threat, insult or "invitation" that exists only in his or her addled imagination.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Concerned Mom in New Jersey" (11/4), who feels her daughter, "Dayna," should be paid more for baby-sitting because the other girl in the neighborhood receives a higher rate. I think your advice was a little off-base.

I have baby-sat since I was 13. At 14, I started my own baby-sitting business. By the time I was 17, I was baby-sitting for more than 20 families. I was the primary baby sitter for more than five families and earning considerably more than my friends because I worked harder.

I am now 25 and still work as a care provider/baby sitter. I do the cooking, cleaning and laundry while playing with and attending to the children and their miscellaneous needs. Also, when driving is required, I have a reliable vehicle and a clean driving record. Parents take all this into consideration when hiring and deciding on reasonable rates.

I am sure that if Dayna did half the work the other sitter attends to, then perhaps she'd be making more money. But it also comes down to one thing: The other girl is the primary baby sitter and she SHOULD be making more money. She is paid that wage to ensure that she will make herself available to baby-sit. Only when she cannot would they rely on the other girl in the neighborhood. -- MS. RELIABLE IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MS. RELIABLE: You are right. When I answered that letter, I assumed that both baby sitters were providing equal -- or at least similar -- services. Since that letter appeared, I have received an education from parents of small children. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Has it occurred to you that the girl who is being paid more might be a "value-added" sitter? Does Dayna do the dishes while she baby-sits, or does she leave dishes in the sink for the parents to come home to? Does she read to the kids, or even interact with them at all -- or does she take her job description literally and just sit? Perhaps she's paid less because the kids groan when told she's their sitter because she ignores them and watches TV.

I'd suggest Dayna ask her friend to describe what she does when she baby-sits and try to match -- or exceed -- these efforts the next time she's asked to take care of the kids. I'll bet that would add to her value, and she'll be able to name her price the next time she's hired to baby-sit. -- JOHN IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Concerned Mom," you pointed out that baby-sitting is a business. True!

As a business person, the first thing I'd want to know is why this customer thinks another supplier of the same service is worth more than I am. There must be some difference.

Before demanding a rate increase, I would ask my customer, "You have hired me several times; how can I improve my baby-sitting service to you?"

The insight that girl gets could be far more valuable than a few more dollars per hour. And of course, if she improves in her customer's eyes, getting more money will be easy. -- ALAN (A CONSULTANT) IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Dayna could benefit from taking a "Safe Sitter" course. My daughter took one at age 11, and I cannot praise it enough. She learned signs of illness, rescue breathing and more. She also learned how to manage her "sitting business," set fees up front and collect them. What she learned was invaluable. -- JACQUELINE IN NEW YORK

DEAR JACQUELINE: Thank you for the tip. Readers, you can learn more about Safe Sitter at 1-800-255-4089 or � HYPERLINK "http://www.safesitter.org" ��www.safesitter.org�.

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