DEAR ABBY: Daddy died a year ago. He was an avid sportsman who left behind a large gun collection. Mama is planning to sell it, with the help of a close friend of Daddy's.

This friend told Mama a few weeks ago that he thought some of the guns were missing. After some encouragement, she filed a police report. To make a long story short, some of the guns were located in a pawn shop. The thief was my baby sister "Jan's" fiance. He admitted to Mama that he took the guns a month after Daddy died. He had a key to the house and found the key to the gun cabinet, which she had hidden in her underwear drawer.

Mama has not pressed charges because of my sister. Jan claims she "loves" this felon. She says he is "so sorry" and "remorseful" and she knew nothing about the theft. Abby, my sister's 12-year-old daughter lives in the house with them, and her natural father is ignorant of this whole mess. Jan says she and her fiance have been to a counselor, who told them they should stay together.

Mama now feels violated and unsafe in her own home. We find it unbelievable that Jan can even look this guy in the eye, much less continue to live with him. Her financial picture is not good, and our parents gave her money for years that they could not afford. I think the guy belongs in jail, but only Mom can bring charges. As long as this thief is in Jan's life, our family will be in turmoil. What should we do? -- STABBED IN THE BACK IN VIRGINIA

DEAR STABBED IN THE BACK: Your sister's fiance appears to be a sociopath or druggie -- possibly both -- and I doubt whether any licensed counselor told her they should stay together. The man must no longer be allowed in your mother's home, and her locks should be changed to ensure it.

Your niece's father should be informed about everything that has transpired. If he doesn't want custody, your niece should be assured that she can come to you if she needs to talk to you about "anything." Although you cannot force your mother to put your sister's fiance in jail, that is where he belongs. By not pressing charges, your mother is enabling him to continue his criminal behavior.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I both came from "the wrong side of the tracks," but have done better than the odds predicted we could for ourselves and our children. We have a 2-year-old and a newborn, both planned.

Recently, my mother-in-law, "Martha," was arrested by Children's Social Services and my 11-year-old sister-in-law was removed from her care. My husband and I have discussed attempting to get custody before, so this could be a blessing in disguise.

My problem is I do not want Martha in my home. My mother-in-law stole credit cards and bank cards from me when she was our roommate. Because we have babies in the house and are doing so well -- I have a job and am completing my college degree, and my husband is also employed and will be starting school soon -- I do not want this person in my house. We have worked too long and hard for what we have. Can you give us any suggestions? Lord knows we could use some help. -- MEGAN IN MIAMI

DEAR MEGAN: Considering your mother-in-law's history, your reasons for not wanting her in your house are understandable. Because she was arrested for abusing (or neglecting) her daughter, it's possible that she could be considered a danger to the child and ordered by the court to stay away from her and your house. Please look into it. An attorney can help you.

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DEAR ABBY: My parents split when I was 3 and divorced when I was 6. I am now 28. Mama remarried when I was 7 to a man I consider to be my dad. My biological father, "Kevin," lived in the same town we did until I was 11, when we moved. (My stepfather was in the military.)

Communications and visits were rare before we moved and have been nearly nonexistent ever since. Kevin never paid child support and only occasionally remembered birthdays when I was young. He called once a few years ago. The entire conversation was centered around his making excuses about why he was never around and never supported us. In the end, he blamed Mama for it. He never once apologized for being a deadbeat dad or his lack of interest in my life.

Kevin called again a few months ago. I was civil to him although I didn't offer much in the way of conversation. He said he and his wife had prepared their wills and that I was named in his. I simply said "OK" and didn't ask any questions.

Kevin has called a couple of times since, but I have no motivation to return his calls. This week I got a birthday card from him in the mail -- two weeks late, of course. It contained a check for a small amount of money. I honestly did not feel any loss for not having Kevin in my life because I was blessed with a loving, caring male parent. Sharing DNA does not constitute being a father in my book. But I think he at least owes me an apology or some kind of admission of wrongdoing (or lack of doing) if he expects me to be civil and communicate with him.

Should I return the check? Should I cash it, and write a letter thanking him for remembering my birthday, albeit late? Or should I tell him I am not willing to talk to him until he's willing to offer me an apology? -- DAUGHTER WHO DOESN'T NEED TWO DADS

DEAR DAUGHTER: For someone who "honestly did not feel any loss for not having him in (your) life," you appear to be genuinely steamed at your birth father. The time has come to be honest with yourself about your feelings of anger, disappointment and abandonment -- and tell him honestly how you feel. Then hear him out.

You may learn that your mother made it difficult for your father to see you -- and the move reinforced it. He may also have had financial problems that made monetary support difficult. Only he can give you the details that, in my opinion, you sorely need to hear. It is clear your father is now trying to make amends, even if it's not in the form of an apology.

DEAR ABBY: Am I a "sicko" because I step out of the shower naked in front of our dog? My wife thinks so. The trouble started when we got a female dog, "Taffy," from the local animal shelter. Taffy sleeps in our bedroom and is there in the morning when I take my shower.

My wife insists that I cover up in front of the dog and that Taffy is no different from a child. This has created a lot of stress between us because, to me, a dog is a dog. Is it wrong to be naked in front of a dog? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE, TEMECULA, CALIF.

DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Even though many people treat their dogs like children, the fact remains that dogs are canines -- not homo sapiens. Your wife appears to be either jealous or have an overactive imagination. It is no more wrong for a human to be naked in the presence of a dog than it is for a dog to be naked in the presence of a human.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD JAY PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, li'l bro. I hope you're partying hearty!

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DEAR ABBY: Here I go, sounding like an old fogy, but "Feeling Lost and Guilty" (11/5), who said she and her loudmouthed, snotty son are "best friends," has brought her problem on herself. The No. 1 problem of parents today is that they try to be friends with their children rather than parents. Back when I was his age, parents were parents to their children -- not friends. There is a difference!

She asked how to undo what she has done. She now knows there is a difference between being a parent and being a friend, something she should have realized 14 years ago.

I see that all too often in parents today, including my own daughter, whose teenage daughters walk all over her because "it's easier and less stressful" to allow it than provide guidance. In cases like this, the cart is down the path and the horse is still in the barn. -- DISAPPOINTED GRANDFATHER, EASTON, PA.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are correct in saying that some parents shirk their responsibility by refusing to be firm with their children as well as responsible role models. However, before painting all parents of children with social problems with the same broad brush, please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for advising the mother of "Todd," the teen who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut, to seek an evaluation. If the boy has a problem with empathy, it could be that he has Asperger's syndrome, an increasingly more common form of mild autism. This is a social disability, often more noticeable in the teenage years, when social expectations are more sophisticated. I should know -- I am a school psychologist and also the mother of a 13-year-old with Asperger's. -- MOM IN BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: It's time that mother, whose son hasn't learned that "discretion is the better part of valor," teach her son "active listening" skills. These include reading body language and nonverbal cues, withholding opinions until all facts are in, and learning to discern when someone actually wants to hear our opinion vs. just wanting to vent. (I have had some really bad employers who could have benefited from that last one.)

I learned active listening skills more than 30 years ago as a peer counselor in junior high school, and while I was able to adapt some of the skills immediately, others have taken literally decades to sink in. However, this is why we plant seeds. Some bloom right away, while others take time to germinate. -- HAPPY ACTIVE LISTENER

DEAR ABBY: My son has Asperger's, and one of the traits of this condition is the person is very literal in his or her speech and usually says whatever comes to mind. These young people do not understand the social taboo of being brutally honest. (I am not saying that her child has Asperger's syndrome.) We have to try to teach our kids to not say everything that comes to mind in public as well.

One method that I have found helpful is social role playing. That mother can make up situations and role-play how her son might respond so that the other person's feelings are not hurt. We have to practice with our kids. This is not a "common sense" that is learned just by mimicking what others do.

These children often do not understand the "little white lies" that we tell in polite society. On the other hand, if you want an honest answer as to whether you look fat, just ask an Aspie! -- PROUD MOTHER OF AN ASPIE IN MONTANA

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