DEAR ABBY: I recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling.

My husband, a volunteer firefighter and EMT, heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal color.

We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be toxic!

When we told our friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration date on their boxes. -- SUE IN WYANTSKILL, N.Y.

DEAR SUE: Thank you for the warning. I certainly was not aware that pancake mix could turn moldy and cause an allergic reaction in someone with an allergy to mold -- but it's logical. I wonder if the same holds true for cake mix, brownie mix and cookie mix. If so, then a warning should be placed on the box for people like me.

We hear so often about discarding prescription and over-the-counter medications after their expiration dates, but I don't recall warnings about packaged items in the pantry. Heads up, folks!

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been a prescription drug addict for about 20 years. The problem I'm having is my 2-year-old son loves his "memaw" and wants to go over to her house on a regular basis.

When Mother is off the pills, she's a great parent and a fantastic and loving grandmother. When she's on the pills, she becomes a different person, and I don't want to subject my son to the things I witnessed as a child. She becomes very abusive when she's not sober. She also does things like slur her words and pass out.

Rehab doesn't work for her. She has been at least 20 times.

My son does not understand her actions. He thinks I am being mean when I tell him we can't go over there.

I have threatened my mother that she won't see her grandson if this behavior continues. She doesn't seem to care. In recent months she has been on methadone, trying to kick the habit, but has substituted methadone for the pills. Have you any suggestions? -- "MEAN MOMMY" IN N. CAROLINA

DEAR "MEAN MOMMY": Unless your mother is buying her methadone on the illicit market, she is on a program and under supervision -- which is a good thing. If you see evidence that she is a danger to your child, then it is your duty to cut off the contact. However, my addiction experts advise that you do not "threaten" unless you are prepared to follow through. (And you may need counseling yourself in order to stick by your word.)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Andrew" and I have been dating for about five years. We met just out of high school, when we were both young and still finding ourselves. But I have noticed that over the years, as we have grown and established our identities, we have become complete opposites.

First, our religious beliefs: Andrew and I were both raised Catholic. He hasn't practiced in years. When we met, I was going through a stage where I wasn't really practicing my religion either. But as I continued through college, I realized I needed religion back in my life and began going to church. I am now active in the church, and my religious and spiritual beliefs are important to me. Andrew, on the other hand, has no desire to go back and even says he has become an atheist.

Then there's our families: Andrew's family is very free-spirited. Not only are they opinionated and outspoken, they curse and talk about everything and anything. In contrast, my family is very reserved, well-mannered and gentle. We even pray before meals. Needless to say, our families do not mesh well and have had little contact.

I like chocolate; Andrew likes vanilla. I like merry-go-rounds; he likes roller-coasters. I like winter; he likes summer. I'm a worrier; he's carefree. I'm early; he's late. You name it -- we're opposites. It may have made for an exciting relationship when we were younger, but now that we're talking marriage and children, I don't see how this will work. Our core values are too different. I really do care for Andrew, and we have fun together, but is there any hope for the future? -- POLAR OPPOSITES, CHADDS FORD, PA.

DEAR POLAR OPPOSITES: Not with the negative mind-set you have displayed in your letter. Not once did you indicate that you are willing to fight for a future with this man. Unless you can figure out what you still have in common, I see little hope for a future with Andrew. The last thing either of you needs is to march down the aisle to the strains of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off."

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end with my husband, and I don't know what to do. It seems like lately he is finding fault with my kids over stupid stuff -- especially my soon-to-be 13-year-old son.

Mind you, my husband is not abusive -- but lately, every time my son forgets to do something, he threatens that he is going to kill him, yells that he's no longer my son's father until he straightens up, and on one occasion, he slammed my son into a wall.

I'm scared to death. I don't want my kids hurt (I have a 9-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter as well), and I love my husband dearly, but I can't take this much longer. He has never acted this way before. So what could be the problem? -- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND: Your husband may be depressed, using drugs, stressed out at work or mentally ill. I don't blame you for being seriously concerned, because whatever the cause, he is losing control. You say he "isn't abusive," and yet the incidents you have described concerning your 13-year-old are examples of verbal and physical abuse.

The best advice I can offer you is to get your husband to a doctor for a thorough examination -- and a referral to a psychotherapist for evaluation. Because his change in behavior is recent, he could be in trouble.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night I saw my brother-in-law hit my 1-year-old niece. It was horrible. I confronted him, and he and my sister are going to get counseling. He says he "made a mistake," but that he also believes it is "OK to swat a child."

I am so upset. I used to think the world of my brother-in-law, but now he seems like an ignorant bully to me. I am hoping he will learn better parenting, and that everything will turn out all right. I'm around a lot, and the children are seldom alone with him. What can I do while I wait to see if counseling is effective? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: You can suggest that your sister and brother-in-law could also benefit from taking a parenting class and reading some books on child development. Sometimes adults hit children because they have unrealistic expectations about what they "should" be able to do at a certain age. They also do it because they lose their patience.

One-year-olds do not always have the ability to control their emotions and behavior. It is up to the parents to set an example -- to model good behavior -- and hitting sets a poor one. Parenting classes offer valuable insights and suggestions to new parents. To find one, check with a pediatrician, your local high school or community college, or your health plan.

DEAR ABBY: "Book Lover in Pennsylvania" described the frustration of loaning books to friends and never getting them back.

I, too, am a book lover. Some of my books are old friends that have remained on my shelves for years. Periodically, I take them down and reread them. As I have matured, I understand things the author was saying that I did not upon the first reading.

Because many of these books are out of print and irreplaceable, I have designed a bookmark that I print myself on card stock. At the top, I list the title, author, loan date, who I loaned the book to, and the person's phone number.

When I lend a book to someone, I cut off the top portion of the bookmark and fill it out in the presence of the borrower. I keep the top portion taped to my desk calendar, and when a reasonable amount of time has elapsed, if the book has not been returned, I'll telephone. Or, I'll stop by the person's home, ring the doorbell and say politely, "Hi, I've come to collect the book you borrowed." So far, it has worked for me.

If you print my letter, please keep me anonymous. Sign me ... P.L.S. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR P.L.S.: That's a clever solution to a touchy problem. Thank you for sharing it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We're happy together, but if I bring up the subject of marriage, he reminds me that he's from India and told me from the beginning that we couldn't marry. We have tried to separate, but couldn't even make it a month apart. We love each other more than we ever thought we could.

Do you think he is just scared of commitment, or doesn't he want to marry me? I love him, but I'm tired of waiting, and I don't want to be someone's lifetime girlfriend. -- LOVESICK DOWN SOUTH

DEAR LOVESICK: Give your boyfriend credit for honesty. He hasn't misled you. He may come from a conservative, traditional Indian family that expects to arrange a "suitable" marriage for him to a woman from his own culture.

After seven years, you can't be blamed for wanting a commitment, so it's time to bite the bullet, lay your cards on the table and end the romance if you must.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: A Happy Passover, one and all!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)